The 'Letters'

I kept being caught off guard by the abrupt silence and cold behavior that he always seemed to present to me as soon as I would begin to feel safe. 

My actual notes (‘letters’), written in the heat of the moment, will be included...Correct grammar and spelling should not be expected-but crass, awkwardly personal and emotional themes should be. ;) I never gave him these writings, or discussed majority of what I had written, because he would never let us discuss anything that mattered to me. I'd sometimes send long texts expressing myself because he wouldn't speak with me- I always paid for it. 
 

Looking back over these is mortifying, but I won’t hide the effect the abuse had on me. I was devoted, confused, and broken down. I never want to return to the state I was in when these journal entries/letters were written. I had no idea what was actually going on in our relationship-just that it was stressful, maddening, lonely, and painful.

Sections:

• He Always Had the Perfect Reason
• Available 'Letters'
  Related page-  How He Fooled Me 

I'd write my heart out when I desperately wanted to speak with him, but was unable to.
It was always due to one of the following reasons:

• 1.  He convinced me that he was experiencing a terrible PTSD episode and was in a "dark place." Needed to work through it.
   

• 2.  He assured me not to worry if he went silent , because "I always have a GOOD reason, just assume we're fine unless I tell you otherwise."

• 3.  He had reiterated he just REALLY hated the phone.

• 4.  Someone else had died.
   

• 5.  He was 100% ignoring me because I attempted to have a conversation about what I wanted, needed, thought, or felt.
   

• 6.  We just had a romantic date- immediately cut off contact for several days afterwards..(kept saying it was his way of "putting up walls" & that he'd stop pushing me away. Said that he really cared about me a lot, but that he was scared because he'd lost so many people-especially in war. He'd mention how the loss of his soldiers and supposed death of his supposed child deeply impacted his ability to let people in.) I believed all of those reasons until the very, very end.
   

• 7.  Someone was harassing him.(one of his many "crazy-manipulative" exes who still wanted him)
   

• 8.  He was too angry to talk to me."I'm in a really bad place right now. I don't want to take it out on you,I know I can't keep lashing out at you." "I know it's hard to not know what's going on with your counterpart, but you're just gonna have to trust me and back off." "G****(his nephew-friend) even asked if I was gonna break up with you. I said, if she keeps doing these things. I told him she's so sweet and harmless, she just says these things that push my buttons. They're harmless, she just doesn't know she's making everything worse" "I'm trying really hard not to become the as*hole I was 3 or 4 years ago, but I'm starting to act like it again because of all this." "Just trust me when I say, you need to back off babe."
   

• 9.  He fell asleep at the most inopportune time possible(Like right after saying something horrible, after swearing to call back, or right after telling me he was on his way over)

The love was toxic. I became obsessive for good reason..His words and the intensity had pulled me in. The back and forth between him being the man of my dreams and my worst nightmare was a never-ending, chaotic saga. He said he hated "drama", yet that's all he brought to my life-even when I was following all of his rules. When he was kind, or spun a woeful story to justify his damaging behavior, I'd forget the most recent and painful incidents over and over again. I told him I felt like he was repeatedly pulling me in just to push me away again, and that it was confusing and worrying me. He told me he understood, that he was sorry, and that he would stop. He'd go on to explain that he was just throwing up his walls because I was getting too close..That he wanted to fall in love with me, but it was terrifying for him to be vulnerable. I trusted him with all I had. I gave him all I had too. He gave me empty promises, perfectly timed false hope, and heartbreak.
 

I was advised to write out everything that took place in our relationship, especially when I was feeling confused or hurt, because she believed it would make the abuse (particularly the gaslighting and future faking) more evident..So I did, I wrote down details of dates, phone calls, texts as right after they occurred. That way, I was told I'd be able to review everything for affirmation or signs that I was being abused and/or deceived later on once my emotions settled. When I wrote all this down I usually just ended up more confused, and I'd blame myself for whatever was causing my distress... I'd write everything out regardless. I am glad now, because I can document the entire relationship in order to move on from the grief over being mistreated and so desperately confused. I became simply desperate for his kindness throughout the entire relationship.

He made me work for him like he was a prize, oblivious to the fact that I'm a damn prize too. He dangled the future he knew I wanted in front of me and pulled it back a little further each time I reached out, so I'd always be chasing it and getting nowhere. It was an unattainable dream he had no interest in, and he knew it. I don't think I will be able to make sense of it all, not even close..I want to get it out through writings in order to take away from the burden this abusive relationship has on my mind. I want to make as much sense of this nonsense as possible.
 

One of the best things you can do within a toxic relationship, is to record everything, even if only in written word. Gaslighting is hell on earth..The confusion his abuse caused was debilitating. Having records helped me see things more clearly later on. Abusers' contradictory behaviors and patterns are much more evident when you are able to look back at records. A journal, a calendar, or even a tape recorder can help you realize things you would've missed while being wrapped up in trying to survive and make sense of the constant state of bewildering stress these relationships trap you in.

SEVERAL MORE LETTERS/ OLD JOURNAL ENTRIES TO BE ADDED IN NEAR FUTURE