Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.

Sections:

• Psychopathic Seduction
• Emotional Rape
• Giving to Takers 
• 12 Ways Narcissists & Sociopaths Prove Pathological Intent to Cause Harm
• Life After Psychopathic Abuse
• Red Flags
• Dehumanization
• Manipulation Tactic 
• Personal Example

Psychopathic Seduction

From its seemingly ideal beginning, to its invariably bitter end.

The psychopathic bond typically includes three stages:  Idealize. Devalue. Discard.

If he wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he may stay with you for as long as you excite him. Despite the differences in timeline, what remains constant is this: eventually, sooner or later, you'll be discarded (or be led by the psychopath's bad behavior to discard him) as soon as you no longer serve his needs. (or if he keeps you around in order to keep your mouth shut about the REAL him.)

Although psychopaths are highly manipulative, the process of idealize, devalue and discard is a natural outgrowth of their personalities. In other words, it's not always necessarily calculated at every moment in the relationship. Overall however, whether consciously or not, psychopaths assess and drain the use-value out of their romantic partners.

During the assessment phase, psychopaths interact closely with their targets to see what makes them tick. They ask probing questions, to discover their unfulfilled needs and weaknesses.

They also commonly lure their targets with promises to offer them whatever's been missing from their lives.. If you're recovering from a recent divorce, they offer you friendship and an exciting new romantic relationship. If you've suffered a death in the family, they appear to be sympathetic friends. If you're going through financial difficulties, they lend you money to seem generous.

During the manipulation phase psychopaths construct the "psychopathic fiction." They pour on the charm to hook their victims emotionally and gain their trust. They present themselves as kind-hearted individuals. Of course, in order to do so, psychopaths resort to outrageous lies since, in reality, they're just the opposite.

In romantic relationships in particular, they depict themselves as not only compatible with you, but also as your soul mate.

While seeming your complement, they also present themselves as your mirror image. They claim to share your interests and sensibilities.

"This psychological bond capitalizes on your inner personality, holding out the promise of greater depth and intimacy, and offering a relationship that is special, unique, equal -forever."

Because psychopaths are great manipulators and convincing liars, as we've seen, many of their victims don't heed the warning signals.

During the early phases of a romantic relationship, people in general tend to be too blinded by the euphoria of falling in love to focus on noticing red flags.

Also, during this period, the psychopaths themselves are on their best behavior. Yet, generally speaking, they get bored too easily to be able to maintain their mask of sanity consistently for very long.

The honeymoon phase of the relationship usually lasts until the psychopath intuitively senses that he's got you on the hook or until he's gotten bored by the relationship and moved on to other targets.

Once psychopaths have drained all the value from a victim-that is, when the victim is no longer useful-they abandon the victim and move on to someone else.

He shows his true colors when he's got no incentive left to pretend anymore.

Which leads to the following question…

Why do psychopaths invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place?

One obvious response would be that they do it for the sport of it.

They enjoy both the chase and the kill; the seduction and the betrayal.

They relish creating the illusion that they're something they're not.

They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing this fiction.

Moreover, whenever a psychopath expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it's always because he wants something from that person.

A broader explanation, which would include both kinds of psychopaths, looks something like this:

When they want something or someone they pursue that goal with all their might. They concentrate all of their energies upon it. When that goal is your money or a job or something outside of yourself, their pursuit may appear somewhat fake.

As research confirms, all psychopaths suffer from a shallowness of emotion that makes their bonding ephemeral and superficial, at best.

You're a means to an end.  

You were never idealized for yourself, but for something else. But when their goal is actually you-seducing you or even marrying you-then their pursuit feels like an idealization.

Temporarily, you represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness. But this feeling of euphoria doesn't last long because it's empty to the core.

Once psychopaths feel they have you in their grasp-once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them-they get bored with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion.

Psychopaths tire rather quickly of their jobs, their geographic location, their hobbies and their educational endeavors. But it hurts so much more, and it feels so much more personal, when what they get tired of is you, yourself.

Their loss of interest appears as a devaluation.

From being the center of their life, you suddenly become just an obstacle to their next pursuit.

Since psychopaths are intuitively skilled at "dosing," or giving you just enough validation and attention to keep you on the hook, you may not immediately notice the devaluation.

It's as if the psychopath intuitively knows when to be charming again (in order not to lose you) and when to push your boundaries, further and lower. Your devaluation occurs gradually yet steadily.

One day you finally notice it and wonder how you have allowed yourself to sink so low.

Occasionally, he throws you a bone-takes you out, plans a romantic evening, says kind and loving things-to lead you to dismiss your healthy intuitions that you're being mistreated.

If the psychopath allows himself to treat you worse and worse it's not only because you're much less exciting in his eyes. It's also because he's conditioned you to think less highly of yourself and to accept his dubious behavior.

You want to hold on to the fantasy of the ideal relationship he cultivated, so you go into denial.

You accept his implausible excuses.

You put up with your growing fears and doubts.

You rationalize his inexplicable absences, his increasingly frequent emotional withdrawals, his curt and icy replies, his petty and mean-spirited ways of "punishing" you for asserting your needs or for not bending to his will.

Then at some point, when he sinks to a new low or when you catch him in yet another lie, you slip out of the willful denial which has been your way of adjusting to the toxic relationship.

Because he has lowered your self-esteem, you ask yourself why this has happened and what you did wrong.

If he cheated on you, you blame the other woman or women involved.

The psychopath encourages you to pursue such false leads. In fact, he encourages anything that deflects attention from his responsibility in whatever goes wrong with your relationship.

He leads you to blame yourself. He also inculpates the other women. He implies that you were not good enough for him. He claims that the other women tempted or pursued him. But that's only a diversionary tactic.

You have flaws and you made mistakes, but at least you were honest and real.

The other women involved may have been decent human beings, the scum of the Earth or anything in between.

Think about it. Does it really matter who and what they were? You are not involved with the other women. They are not your life partners, your spouses, your lovers or your friends.

What matters to you most is how your own partner behaves. He is primarily accountable for his actions. Not you, not the other women.

Also, keep in mind that psychopaths twist the truth to fit their momentary goals and to play mind games.

When you actually pay attention to what they say instead of being impressed by how sincere they may appear, their narratives often sound inconsistent and implausible.

What they say about other women, both past and present, is most likely a distortion too. Psychopaths commonly project their own flaws upon others.

If they tell you they were seduced, it was most likely the other way around. If they tell you that their previous girlfriends mistreated them, cheated on them, got bored with them, abandoned them, listen carefully, since that's probably what they did to those women.

Their lies serve a dual function. They help establish credibility with you as well as giving them the extra thrill of deceiving you yet again.

So why were you discarded?
You were devalued and discarded because you were never really valued for yourself.

For psychopaths relationships are temporary deals, or rather, scams. Analogously, for them, other human beings represent objects of diversion and control.

The most flattering and pleasant phase of their control, the only one that feels euphoric and magical, is the seduction/idealization phase.

That's when they pour on the charm and do everything they possibly can to convince you that you are the only one for them and that they're perfect for you. It's very easy to mistake this phase for true love or passion. 

However, what inevitably follows in any intimate relationship with a psychopath is neither pleasant nor flattering.

Once they get bored with you because the spell of the initial conquest has worn off, the way they maintain control of you is through deception, isolation, abuse, gaslighting and undermining your self-confidence. 

That's when you realize that the devaluation phase has set in.

You do whatever you can to regain privileged status. You try to recapture the excitement and sweetness of the idealization phase. You want to reclaim your rightful throne as the queen you thought you were in his eyes. But that's an impossible goal, an ever-receding horizon.

Every women's shelter tells victims of domestic violence that abuse usually gets worse, not better, over time.

For abusers, power is addictive. It works like a drug. The dosage needs to be constantly increased to achieve the same effect.

Control over others, gives psychopaths pleasure and meaning in life.

To get the same rush from controlling you, over time, they need to tighten the screws.

Increase the domination.

Increase the manipulation.

Isolate you further from those who care about you.

Undermine your confidence and boundaries more, so that you're left weaker and less prepared to stand up for yourself.

The more you struggle to meet a psychopath's demands, the more he'll ask of you. Until you have nothing left to give.

Because you have pushed your moral boundaries as low as they can go. You have alienated your family and friends, at the psychopath's subtle manipulation or overt urging.

You have done everything you could to satisfy him. Yet, after the initial idealization phase, nothing you did was ever good enough for him.

It turns out that he's completely forgotten about the qualities he once saw in you.

If and when he talks about you to others, it's as if he were ashamed of you. That's not only because he lost interest in you. It's also the instinctive yet strategic move of a predator.

They initially depict your relationship as privileged and better than the ordinary love bonds normal people form. This is of course always a fiction. In fact, the opposite holds true.

Such a relationship is necessarily one-sided and distorted. It's a sham on both sides. Being a consummate narcissist, he loves no one but himself and cares about nothing but his selfish desires.

An intimate relationship with a psychopath is far inferior to any normal human relationship, where both people care about each other. 

If and when he does something nice, it's always instrumental: a means to his ends or to bolster his artificial good image. Dr. Jekyll is, in fact, always Mr. Hyde on the inside.

And even though you may be capable of love, you're not in love with the real him-the cheater, the liar, the manipulator, the player, the hollow, heartless being that he is-but with the charming illusion he created, which you initially believed but which becomes increasingly implausible over time.

From beginning to end, all this phony relationship can offer you is a toxic combination of fake love and real abuse.

— He constructs the psychopathic bond through deception and manipulation.

— You maintain it through self-sacrifice and denial.

But pretty soon, when you find yourself alone with the psychopath, you see it's not us versus them, your couple above and against everyone else. It's him versus you.

He will act like your worst enemy, which is what he really is, not as the best friend and adoring partner he claimed to be.

If he criticizes you to others-or, more subtly, fosters antagonisms between you and family members and friends-it's to further wear you down and undermine your social bonds.

Once he tires of you, he induces others to see you the same way that he does: as someone not worthy of him; as someone to use, demean and discard.

-Before you were beautiful and no woman could compare to you. Now you're at best plain in his eyes.

-Before you were cultured and intelligent. Now you're the dupe who got played by him.

-Before you were dignified and confident. Now you're isolated and abject.

In fact, right at the point when you feel that you should be rewarded for your sacrifice of your values, needs, desires and human bonds-all for him- the psychopath discards you.

He's had enough.

He's gotten everything he wanted out of you.

Bent you out of shape.

Taken away, demand by demand, concession by concession, your dignity and happiness.

As it turns out, the reward you get for all your devotion and efforts is being nearly destroyed by him.

Ignoring your own needs and fulfilling only his-or fulfilling yours to gain his approval-has transformed you into a mere shadow of the lively, confident human being you once were.

He uses your weaknesses against you. He also turns your qualities into faults:

-If you are faithful, he sees your fidelity as a weakness, a sign you weren't desirable enough to cheat. Nobody else really wanted you. 

-If you are virtuous, he exploits your honesty while he lies and cheats on you. 

-If you are passionate, he uses your sensuality to seduce you, to entrap you through your own desires, emotions, hopes and dreams. 

-If you are reserved and modest, he describes you as asocial and cold-blooded. 

-If you are confident and outgoing, he views you as flirtatious and untrustworthy.

-If you are hard working, unless he depends on your money, he depicts you as a workhorse exploited by your boss.

-If you are artistic and cultured, he undermines your merit. He makes you feel like everything you create is worthless and cannot possibly interest others. You're lucky that it ever interested him.

After the idealization phase is over, there's no way to please a psychopath. Heads you lose, tails he wins.

But remember that his criticisms are even less true than his initial exaggerated flattery. When all is said and done, the only truth that remains is that the whole relationship was a fraud.

The process of the psychopathic bond is programmatic. It's astonishingly elegant and simple given the complexity of human behavior.

Idealize, devalue and discard.

Each step makes sense once you grasp the psychological profile of a psychopath, of an (in)human being who lives for the pleasure of controlling and harming others.

1) Idealize: Not you, but whatever he wanted from you and only for however long he wanted it.

2) Devalue: Once he has you in his clutches, the boredom sets in and he loses interest.

3) Discard: After he's gotten everything he wanted from you and has probably secured other targets.
 

FOR YOU,
this process is excruciatingly personal. It may have cost you your time, your heart, your friends, your family, your self-esteem or your finances. You may have put everything you had and given everything you could to that relationship. It may have become your entire life.

FOR THE PSYCHOPATH,
however, the whole process isn't really personal. He could have done the same thing to just about anyone who allowed him into her intimate life. He will do it again and again to everyone he seduces. It's not about you. It's not about the other woman or women who were set against you to compete for him, to validate his ego, to give him pleasure, to meet his fickle needs.

He wasn't with them because they're superior to you. He was with them for the same reason that he was with you. To use them, perhaps for different purposes than he used you, but with the same devastating effect.

He will invariably treat others in a similar way to how he treated you. Idealize, devalue and discard.  -Rinse and repeat.

This process was, is and will always be only about the psychopath for as long as you stay with him.

psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/the-psychopaths-relationship-cycle/

Emotional Rape

These were never normal relationships that started with love and then just went wrong. Far from it. The psychopath is a predator who completely hides his or her true identity and true motives.



A psychopath may target a victim with the intent of using them and causing harm, or they may initially experience genuine attraction. Even if they do, their inability to love or to form an attachment guarantees that things will end badly.





Whatever their motivation, their goals are to manipulate, dominate and control, and they will end up devaluing and abusing their victim.

In a profound act of betrayal, the psychopath only pretends to love -and does a convincing job of it- in order to gain the victim's love and trust, which is what makes carrying out their manipulative agenda possible.

They gain power and control through manipulation and use their victim for whatever they desire without any remorse, while creating an ever-worsening emotional hell.



Their grandiosity swells as they watch their victim try in vain to save the relationship they truly believed was the best one of their lives.

The predator gets bored and devalues and abuses the victim, and needs the thrill of someone new.

 

The psychopath must act out this manipulative cycle repetitively and compulsively in order to experience feelings of exhilaration and contempt (contemptuous delight), which perpetuate his or her feeling of grandiosity.



The psychopath often ends the relationship with a stunning and completely abnormal display of contempt, coldness or indifference.

If he or she is using the relationship to provide an illusion of normalcy, they may stick around long-term. If the victim ends the relationship, the psychopath's grandiosity will suffer and they may attempt to return. Often, they restore their grandiosity by moving on to someone new, without looking back.



The victim is devastated as he or she comes to realize the psychopath's love was never real and that they were heartlessly abused and betrayed.



If they don't realize it - and many victims don't understand what really happened until years later, if ever - they continue blaming themselves for the demise of what once seemed to be an ideal relationship, which makes real healing difficult or even impossible.



Either way, we are left with a heart, soul, and psyche ravaged by a predator.



The aftermath of emotional rape often includes rage, obsessive thoughts, lost self-esteem, fear, anxiety, the inability to love or trust, use of alcohol or drugs, physical illness, and irrational and extreme behavior such as total isolation and withdrawal or even suicide.


A lack of support from friends and family makes things much worse.


Some will blame the victim for choosing to have a relationship with a "jerk," because they don't know or can't believe he was a predator capable of hiding his true identity.


Some blame her for staying with him when she knew it was going bad, because they are unaware or unwilling to believe she was controlled by systematic manipulation.



Others who fell for the psychopath's charisma and powers of persuasion may blame the victim for losing a "good catch."



Whatever the case, no one realizes how severely traumatized the victim truly is.



The trauma can indeed be severe, and if it is, you should pursue professional psychological help from a therapist who is familiar with disorders involving a lack of empathy (psychopathy, narcissism, etc.), and abusive relationships and the trauma they cause.

Sadly, some victims of psychopaths attempt suicide as a result of hopelessness, helplessness and the belief there is no way out. Some have reported to us that psychopaths have actually encouraged them to take their own lives or have indicated that they would put them through so much turmoil that their only recourse would be suicide.



If you feel hopeless now, don't give up. Many people have recovered from psychopathic abuse, even after believing it wasn't possible. If you are feeling suicidal, please get help right away.

INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINES
https://psychopathsandlove.com/emotional-rape/

Giving to Takers

You were probably never attracted to arrogance, jerks, and over-confidence. Instead, you're drawn to the charming, troubled, sympathetic partner-the one who tells you you're making them happier than anyone else.

There is a strange pattern among most survivors: going from "giving them attention" to "needing their attention" in the blink of an eye. How did this transition happen? How did you lose your self-esteem to someone who seemed to have none to begin with?

When you first met the psychopath, you probably felt sorry for them. They had so many sympathetic qualities: their ex had mistreated them, they were insecure about the way they looked, they'd been so unhappy until they met you, and now they can't believe they're dating someone in your league.

This is where your empathy kicks in. You've done it all your life: you see someone feeling inferior, and you know how to make them feel better.

You want to heal them. And so you put your-self down to raise someone else up.

The psychopath is like no one else, because they genuinely seem to adore all of your efforts.

They compare you to past exes, idealizing you above everyone else. It's as if all of your energies finally have a purpose, after likely being frustrated with the unending, not-so-appreciative complaints of others.

Many survivors report not even being attracted to the psychopath at first. But with time, you begin to see them as the best looking person in the world. You can't even think of anyone else sexually. How did this happen?

By pouring all of your empathetic capital into healing their supposed insecurities, you come to a point where you actually start to believe in the power of your own kindness and compassion.

You become obsessed with proving your loyalty, because you believe the problem is their insecurity. If you make yourself vulnerable enough, surely they will learn to overcome their inferiority complex.

But that's not the problem and it never was. You know now that you spent all this time chasing a manufactured illusion: you were under the impression that they thought they were lucky to be with you. You probably didn't like that power dynamic, so you built up your partner in order to make them feel better.

And this is how they hooked you: with sympathy. If you perceive them as childlike, your natural instincts kick in, and you do everything you can to prove how much you care. This is likely the way you've dealt with people throughout your entire life: when others have no self-confidence, you try to build it for them.

Like a psychopath, you can probably sense insecurities.The difference lies in how you act upon those insecurities.

— Psychopaths see them as a way to manipulate and control.

— Empathetic people, on the other hand, seek to cure insecurities with love and compassion.

When the psychopath came along you experienced chemical changes, forming an immediate bond of love and trust. You were willing to do whatever it took to build up their happiness. 

You constantly complimented their looks, you didn't mind paying for dates, you laughed at their jokes even when they weren't funny. And in return, you were rewarded with their overwhelming appreciation that gave your life meaning.

But somewhere in this whirlwind, you suddenly found the tables turned.. It happened fast. Instead of sympathetically reassuring the poor guy/girl, you found yourself desperate for their approval.

They began to make it clear that they did not actually need all of that attention. In fact, they found it very annoying. When you complimented them, you received an arrogant laugh or a disingenuous "you too baby". It's as if you became the relationship newbie, and they were the one who would take things from there.

Additionally, the attention started coming from other sources. Your unique ability to make them happy wasn't so unique after all. This triangulation was pure torture.

They used the silent treatment to punish you and deride your once-needed sympathies. You began to feel stupid, unattractive, needy, and useless. Your solution was to continue self-destructing to make room for their "feelings". 

You brushed aside complaints of their lying or triangulating because they made it very clear that this kind of talk was unacceptable.

Do you see what happened? 

The ball was in their court. And the scary thing is, despite your own beliefs, it was never in your court to begin with. All they did was make you believe it was.

By giving you this false sense of self-confidence and importance, you opened up fast. This is why you trusted the psychopath very quickly and let them into your life without a second guess.

This is also why the grand finale was more terrible than anything you've ever felt before. It was the outright dismissal of your self-worth. You invested all of it in them, thereby giving them the power to take it away.

You never even comprehended a power struggle, because you were too busy pleasing their invented baby persona. After all, how in the world could a baby be plotting manipulation and domination?

It's as if they declared "checkmate" when you thought you were playing checkers.

And you were addicted to more than just their attention-you also became addicted to their approval of your attention. You felt empty without it, and that's why a psychopathic breakup takes so long to recover from.

You are not just getting over a romantic encounter; you're rebuilding your self-worth from scratch.

That's why you become so sensitive to the reactions of future partners. Until you go through the recovery process, you will be bouncing around trying to find a replacement for that approval-something to give your life meaning again.

But there is good news here, and it outweighs everything else. Once you begin recovery, your life changes forever. You start to find overwhelming self-worth in your own values, behavior, and heart.
 
At first, you question yourself and remember how "happy" you were with them. As you redefine your self-worth, you come to realize that you created this happiness. You have better things coming your way.

www.psychopathfree.com/articles/sympathy-for-the-devil.148/

12 Ways Narcissists & Sociopaths Reveal a Pathological Intent to Cause Harm

In this article the term narcissist, or narcissism, refer to persons that fully meet the criteria (as opposed to mere tendencies) for Narcissistic Personality Disorder - or its more extreme version on the spectrum, Sociopathy or Psychopathy, labeled as Antisocial Personality Disorder in the DSM-5.

These character disorders are cognitive disturbances that, unlike other mental health disorders, predispose persons to intentionally act out their rage and scorn on others, in characteristically patterned behaviors (Narcissistic Abuse).

The use of male pronouns is supported by decades of research showing that domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, mass shootings, pedophilia, and other acts of "false-power" violence are not gender neutral. They are rooted in rigid adherence to gendered might-makes-right norms for "toxic masculinity" for men (and "toxic femininity" for women). These norms idealize violence and intimidation as means to male establish status and dominance. Though comparatively fewer in number, female narcissists exist; they too self-identify with "toxic masculinity"
 

1. They use gaslighting to derail any attempt of another to feel fully human, as separate beings with needs, wants, dreams of their own.

Narcissists regard kind, loving, caring persons as not only inferior and weak, but also dangerous and emasculating to those in authority positions.

They live in a topsy turvy world in which everyone is either a hunter or prey. In other words, they lie, lie, lie to themselves and one another about what is normal in human relationships.

These lies are not just the "normal" lying most use at least occasionally, i.e., to defend or avoid conflict and so on. **They gaslight**

And gaslighting is a form of lying, a fear-elevating communication tactic, proven in scientific studies, to cripple the otherwise amazing abilities of the human brain to think, more specifically, to derail any attempts of a partner to emotionally connect as a real live human being with a voice, yearnings, wants, and dreams of her own.

He sees his job as training her to think, do, feel, say what serves or pleases his needs and interests. Anything else he perceives as a threat.

In couple relationships, the use of gaslighting is a common practice, an example of tactics that even otherwise amazing "good" guys methodically apply to keep their spouse or girlfriend in her place, literally, by shutting down her every attempt to emotionally connect in humanizing ways.

So learn the signs of gaslighting, and save your energy, by letting go of wanting a narcissist to "get" or "understand" the situation you are in.
 

2. They lie feeling entitled to do so to prove their superiority.

Narcissists lie as a way of life. They say one thing, yet do another. They often speak in code, amongst one another. They say the word love, they mean sex.

They view concept such as soulmates or partnership relations as bait to trap women. To them, it's nonsense or "emotional craziness" associated with the "weaker" sex.

Every "real" man is supposed to only need sex, a form of love that is manly - and it's his job to "fix" her so that she only serves as a extension of what pleases and doesn't threaten him.

Get to know what they really mean by what they do, and what a narcissist means when he says "I love you" to his partner, and take nothing they say at face value. It is all designed to confuse, derail, diminish another's sense of agency and worth. It's beyond what most human beings would ever suspect.

This also explains narcissists' systematic use of gaslighting. In his mind, he's proving that women are "emotionally crazy" due to their obsession with "love stuff," and yet this love stuff supposedly also makes women dangerous, fierce competitors, who are trying to con and strip men of the emotional detachment that protects and keeps them virile, strong, impenetrable - you know, just like Delilah and Samson.

As a tool, gaslighting is designed to dominate, domesticate, train a partner to feel their wants and needs and voice are irrelevant, selfish, invisible, undeserving of attention, and so on.

Make no mistake, it is a tried and true tactic, however, it is only effective on those that are unaware or disarmed by gaslighting and other con-acts, such as "love bombing" (the narcissists attempt to act like normal, empathic human beings.

The problem is rooted in the "cult of masculinity" that strategically works to explain violence as normal and evidence of "real" masculinity or strength, superiority of male sex, but also dangerous entitlements to benefits that include exploiting and harming those they arbitrarily deem inferior, weak, feeble.
 

3. They believe violating the rights of a partner is proof of their superiority.

Narcissists do not see their partner, or women in general, as human beings. This more than anything else explains why they act entitled to treat women (perhaps also other groups, children, gays, nonwhites, other religions, etc.) as having no right to voice an opinion, make a request, ask to be treated with dignity. 

They do not see a woman partner as human. In many cases the domestic violence is mostly or perhaps solely emotional abuse, a form of emotional abuse that is separate and far more severe than the usual tongue lashings of parents scolding, shaming children into obedience (although this is also abuse, and harmful as well).

Trying to get a narcissist to understand that they should stop what they do because it hurts you or your relationship, or another person, often leads to, as one of my clients put it, a "conversation from hell."

That's because: To argue with their points causes more not less confusion, self-doubt, disconnect from common sense. Narcissists know this well. They want you to argue over the points they make, or their accusations.

Narcissists intentionally violate and abuse a partner, using the tactic of gaslighting to get into their mind to subjugate their will, control what they think, feel and believe about self and their abuser.

Ultimately the goal of narcissistic abuse is to inflict on their partner the same topsy-turvy worldview they hold - one in which the abuser is infallible master and justified in all they do to include abuse, whereas their victim is ever to blame, deserves, even caused their own abuse.
 

4. They display outrage if their "right" to mistreat or hurt another with impunity is questioned.

Narcissists reveal themselves by the way they automatically react to even hints that they hurt or mistreated a partner, or a request for some understanding or attention to the other's wants or needs.

Telling a narcissist that they faltered in any way is likely to get a violent reaction, a fit of rage, physical and, or emotional abuse, stony silence or punitive treatment that lasts for hours or days. They may leave the house for an extended period of time, or react violently just to have an excuse to leave or do what they wanted anyway.

This reveals the dehumanizing view they hold of others, and sadly of human relationships. In their mind, those in authority never engage or want mutual understanding, they never cooperate, and they always view a partner's attempts to gain their cooperation as a dangerous ploy women use to subjugate and turn men into women.

The violent reaction by the way is intentional, itself part of a strategy. It's how "those in authority" are supposed to use fear-based tactics, in this case, cold anger or rage, to train those deemed weak to keep their place.

In their mind, your relationship is a boot camp, and the narcissist is the drill sergeant and you're a recruit who needs to be subordinated to obey upon command.

Narcissists hold a "might makes right" view of this world, which forms the basis of the thought disturbance associated with both narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders.

It is a worldview that strategizes 24/7 to destroy any evidence, or persons or groups, which promote ideas of mutuality, compassion-based relationships, cooperation, self-governance, human rights and dignified treatment for all human beings.

This is why narcissists hate and fear the truth like nothing else. It threatens their existence because the core of what they believe is simply founded on house-of-card lies.
 

5. They obsessively gather intimate data that a partner discloses to fulfill the aims of their con.

Narcissists gather data and take note of what a partner reveals are her dreams, wants, likes, and gives special attention to what she shares are her weaknesses, wounds, and details of previous partners and relationships.

Narcissists listen carefully, especially at the start of a relationship, but it is never to understand a partner's heart; it is rather to gather data to fulfill the aims of their exploitation schemes.

Narcissists have also studied women as a group (as well as other groups they deem weak) in order to use words and for bait-and-switch traps for them. It's easy. Most women love to talk, and engage in taking turns talking about self with friends a lot.

For example, they know women are looking for soulmates, spiritual guys, and they know women hunger for attention, compliments, feeling close, emotional connection, partnership relationships, and so on.

A covert narcissist may sabotage his partners success in hidden ways by making it more difficult, or may support her, but does so to promote his own image, and take credit for her success, or her as a trophy by his side.

Narcissists also make direct strikes where they know a partner has been most wounded in childhood or a past relationship. E.g. If you were molested or sexually assaulted, he will request demeaning sex acts and/or demand sex when you are not ready. Or maybe he goes out of his way to flirt with other women, make his partner feel threatened, doubt herself, knowing she experienced infidelity in the past, or gets upset when he flirts or gawks at other women.

A narcissist goes out of his way to misrepresent his partner, or what she stated were her thoughts and dreams, for example, he may use what she said to accuse her of being selfish or caring only about her success, or make her feel absurd, crazy or evil.

Narcissism is a serious pathology, a worldview that causes much suffering for those around them. There is no pathology less "normal" for human beings.

To the extent a narcissist hates and feels scorn for human traits of love and caring, kindness and compassion, in himself and others, keeps himself walled off from all that brings beauty and meaning - and some semblance of normalcy - to human life.
 

6. They employ scientifically proven, fear-based tactics to terrorize a partner into feeling irrelevant, voiceless, invisible.

A narcissist knowingly uses tactics that elevates cortisol in the brain and body of their victims. When this occurs, the body's survival system is activated, and automatically, thinking areas of the brain go offline.

In other words, fear and confusion cripples the brain's otherwise amazing capacity to think reflectively. This makes it easier for the narcissist to get away with lies and illusions.

Narcissists were exposed to many of these tactics of dominance, and learned the rules of "real masculinity" in childhood. They also typically study methods of persuasion, and the use of words and language as a tool to exploit others.

Today, we have nearly a century's worth of science-based methods in thought control available, perfected in the last few decades with studies of neurolinguistic programming.

These are commonly used in training workforces in most all industries and sectors, among others, advertising, sales, military, politics, and so on.

The sociopath reveals himself in the specific outcomes they achieve in using a specific set of tactics that knowingly cause their partner to lose their sense of self in the relationship, and overall feel voiceless, invisible, irrelevant, to blame for the narcissist's "unhappiness" or what's gone wrong in the relationship, yet also confused because they cannot believe the love he professed was never real.

With covert narcissists, the use of these tactics can remain well hidden, and they prefer to operate by making themselves look like "laid back good guys" who have to live with an angry, emasculating wife that makes their life miserable.

They know how and when to trigger a partner to complain or have an outburst of anger, and then blame her and turn others against her, or get them to side with him.

In all cases, this is  NARCISSISTIC ABUSE  and it is separate and more severe than what we also refer to as emotional abuse. If you're experiencing this, get professional help from someone who has experience in the area.

To protect your sense of agency, a first step is to let go of needing any validation or approval from the narcissist. One of their aims, after all, to hook their prey on needing their approval or validation.
 

7. They expect a partner to take pleasure in being used as a punching bag.

A narcissist lives in misery, self-loathing inside, and misery loves company. They cannot stand the sight of happy, cheery and successful persons, and hatred stems from the hatred and disgust they feel for any signs of weakness in others, and thus themselves.

The narcissist not only takes pleasure in hurting or making their partner feel bad, i.e., selfish, spinning their wheels, failing to make them happy, and so on, they also hold a perverse belief that their partner, or women and the "weak" in general, admire them for dominating or keeping them in their place, and overall take pleasure in being used as punching bags or objects for their pleasure.

To break free, the first step is to understand, and believe that a narcissist is hooked on hurting and using others as a punching bag, that's all the supply they need to keep their false-self superiority over others game going. This explains why it's impossible to make them happy or rescue them from their misery and fragile sense of security.
 

8. They seek to separate their partner from all they love or makes them thrive.

The narcissist takes pride in honing skills that condition a partner with fear and shame, confusion, self-doubting, scared to act on their own, so that they drop what they once associated with happiness, fulfillment, strengths, talents, such as a job, career, parenting, hobbies, and so on.

They take pleasure in competing for power to outsmart and block you from realizing your goals for positive growth as individuals and a couple.

They cannot stand a partner feels happy or fulfilled, admired, or has any pleasure for that matter apart that doesn't please the narcissist; they want to keep you obsessed on rescuing them from misery or their addictions, such as pornography or affairs.

The secret to outsmarting a narcissist is not trying to, refusing to play by their subhuman rules. Be human, connect to your heart, cultivate the authenticity of your connection to your self and life around you. Learn to control only what you can and let go of the rest, i..e., the narcissist; it is a waste of your energy, not worth the anger build up or headache.
 

9. They seek to isolate partners away from family friends, or other support systems.

Narcissists use an array of fear tactics to isolate their partners away from persons who love and care for them. This is part of their strategy to take control and put them in a state of dependency on them.

Thus, narcissists work systematically, some overtly but others covert and undetected, to make a partner question family members and friends, at every opportunity, to doubt their loyalty and support, to question your sanity, and rewrite your history, and question their motives.

Simultaneously, they may instill others with doubts about a partner's mental stability, pull out a diagnostic label or two, i.e., bipolar or borderline, and even actually set up their partner to look controlling, demanding, emotionally unstable by triggering them.
 

10. They regard their "partners" as possessions or objects pleasure.

In their worldview, narcissists regard women as objects for the pleasure and comfort of men. Their brain treats their relationship with you, as a partner, as it would living in a jungle or a war zone.

They are conditioned to believe that it's a woman's job to make a man feel like a man by meeting his pleasure needs, and that it is both emasculating and dangerous for a man to "give in" to the emotional closeness a woman wants. This explains why a narcissist sees a woman as someone who is a fierce competitor, vying for power to dominate, and that he must get her before she gets him.

So they willingly "stoop down" to the level of those they exploit, much like an actor on the big screen, as long as it is part of their con game, one that, in their pathological mindset, proves their superiority and prowess over you.

Remember they've studied women, and learn to speak their "emotional connection," "soulmate," "partnership" lingo, to say and do, and to disguise themselves accordingly.

They "love bomb" women as part of their con game - knowing what women want to hear, they put on a "act" of saying loving things, or empathizing and so on, to bait and switch and trap, but also to disarm accordingly.

If someone says they "love" you, yet expects you to be okay with being abused, doing something that compromises your values, or you find sexually distasteful or uncomfortable, it's not love - it's hatred of human truth and common sense wisdom. Run!
 

11. They feel disgust for human emotions of empathy.

Narcissists reveal a pathological disconnect to the emotion of empathy and empathic connection by the level of disgust they express whenever a partner tries to tell them they felt hurt by something the narcissist did.

Even in therapy settings for couples, narcissists self-identify. Automatically, they gaslight to derail the conversation.

Contrary to what we once thought, the narcissist can and does express empathy - but only "stoops down" if they think there is some benefit for them to do so, such as to con, to trick, to perform or trap someone they are preying on. Based on their worldview, this and other "human caring" traits disgust them.

They grew up in environments where they learned to feel shame and disgust for these "soft human" traits, associate them with women and children, and other groups, i.e., gay that those in positions of authority, the strong and mighty, are destined (in their mind) to prey upon, exploit and abuse - as proof of their superiority. This reveals the pathology of their thought disturbance, which occurred as a result of early traumatic experiences.

For narcissists, it is an act. They are merely "stooping down" to prove their superiority by using this as a decoy, a tactic to exploit another. This "love bombing" is part of the con game of most narcissists.

To them, the fact that women can be fooled in this way is proof the female gender's inferiority, and proof of the male gender's superiority and right to dominate, treat a woman like a possession. Using empathy is a bait and switch power-over-another tool used intentionally to deceive, impress, ensnare.
 

12. They believe the ability to con others into serving their interests is evidence of their superiority.

Narcissists have honed skills of dominance, practiced them with men from boyhood, perhaps also in the military.

They believe women are less than human, and it's men's jobs to domesticate them, like animals, to keep their place, never question the narcissist, and become obsessed with his happiness and comfort- training her to disconnect from her own needs, wants, feelings, voice, dreams, etc.

Their gaslighting reaction is automatic, repeated, predictable, punitive, and over the top, and it serves to train a woman to disconnect from her needs for closeness, to be treated with dignity, like a human being.

Gaslighting can render a person speechless, baffled. It's not occasional, here and there, but repetitive. And it's not arguing, it's a 180 degree shift that derails what a partner brought up to the list of things a narcissists uses to make his partner feel bad, small, undeserving, irrelevant, crazy, and so on.
psychcentral.com

Life After
Psychopathic Abuse

Anyone who has been through psychopathic abuse will confirm what a horrendous experience it can be.

Psychopaths do not have any remorse or conscience regarding the damage they cause in the lives of others and victims are often left with problems which take a long time to resolve.

The aftermath of psychopathic abuse often includes rage, obsessive thoughts, lost self-esteem, fear, anxiety, the inability to love or trust, use of alcohol or drugs, physical illness, and irrational and extreme behavior such as total isolation and withdrawal or even suicide.


A lack of support from friends and family makes things much worse.


Some will blame the victim for choosing to have a relationship with a "jerk," because they don't know or can't believe he was a predator capable of hiding his true identity.
 

Some blame her for staying with him when she knew it was going bad, because they are unaware or unwilling to believe she was controlled by systematic manipulation. 

Whatever the case, no one realizes how severely traumatized the victim truly is.

 

The trauma can indeed be severe, and if it is, you should pursue professional psychological help from a therapist who is familiar with disorders involving a lack of empathy (psychopathy, narcissism, etc.), and abusive relationships and the trauma they cause.

Sadly, some victims of psychopaths attempt suicide as a result of hopelessness, helplessness and the belief there is no way out. Some have reported to us that psychopaths have actually encouraged them to take their own lives or have indicated that they would put them through so much turmoil that their only recourse would be suicide.



It is important to extract whatever good we can out of what is usually a horrible and traumatic experience. How can we do this?

In summary, it basically involves spotting what you missed before in terms of character traits and being more observant and selective in general about who you allow into your life.

It also means learning to respond to toxic people and situations in a way that better serves you in the long run, and also building a life where you cannot be under the control of psychopathic people ever again.

To generalize even more, recovering from psychopathic abuse ideally teaches a person to be more aware and observant; aware of their own moment to moment experience, aware of emotional signs and clues from inside themselves, aware of behaviors of people around them.

It also teaches us to trust our gut feel and intuition more and follow these cues when they are telling us something is off.

Mindfulness is often a practice that can further help with this and is always a useful skill for anyone to develop in life. Let's look at some crucial general lessons to take out of the experience below.
 

Observe Character Traits in People More Closely

One thing a psychopathic relationship will instill in you is the need to more carefully screen and vet people you are working or living with to spot for character traits, both positive and negative. We also learn to do this over a prolonged period of time and not be taken in a by a superficial initial charm or "funny guy" act.

Psychopaths are brilliant at taking people in with this initial charm or charisma. Initially they will just seem like the funniest or wittiest guy who says all the right things and has everything going for them. 

This is just an act to get people to lower their guard and we learn not to be fooled by first impressions. Incidentally, the opposite can also happen where someone we dislike initially turns out to be someone we later grow to respect and admire.

Psychopaths may lure people in with this initial marsipan topping but will also reveal their true nature over a period of time. Certain unpleasant character traits will become apparent over time and will "leak out" despite the psychopath's best efforts to keep them concealed. We need to watch out for these giveaways and know what the red flags are.

Common characteristics to look out for:

This list is not exhaustive but is a good starter pointer for some key negative character traits to watch out for. Of course we may already know this in some sense after dealing with a psychopath, in which case it is more about trusting your judgement and acting accordingly once you spot these traits in someone. It also still helps to have some kind of checklist.

Conversely, observing a lack of these traits is also a useful thing, since it is usually an indication of the sort of person you do want to be allowing into your life and trusting. Let's look in more detail at the kind of people survivors of psychopathic abuse should be seeking out and aligning themselves with.
 

Only Allow High Quality People Into Your Life

The corollary to the issue of the types of traits and people to avoid is the types of people to seek out. We maintain that people recovering from psychopathic abuse be uncompromising about this and only allow high quality people into their trust and confidence. Average and lower quality people will not do, even if they are not psychopathic.

The reason we argue this is because average and lower quality people often collude in the psychopathic abuse process by not standing up for the high quality, empathic person.

The so called apaths or "in between" people who are not psychopaths but not strong or moral either allow the psychopath to get away with abusing good people because they do not come to the empath's defense and sometimes even side with the psychopath against them.

This process has been well illustrated in the book The Empathy Trap, available on Amazon, where they go into detail about the Sociopath-Empath-Apath Traid, where the sociopath actively enlists the help of the apath in shifting blame and negative attention into the empath for something the sociopath themself has done.

It is for this reason that we argue that these "in the middle" people are not reliable as they too lack strong empathy and integrity and are too easily manipulated by psychopaths and other toxic characters.

Too often these people are taken in by the psychopath and let down the empath when they try to confront the psychopath on their behavior.

Rather it is far better to be demanding on this and only surround yourself with strong, moral, supportive, empathic people; people who would have stood up for you had they been there when the psychopath was targeting you.

Here is a quick checklist of positive traits to actively seek out in people when recovering from psychopathic abuse:

A useful way to look at this issue is that there are 7 billion people in this world, so why waste any time associating with toxic people, or even any sort of person who leaves you guessing as to their motives, intentions and character? 

It is much better to be uncompromising and only seek out high quality, empathic people who with whom you know clearly where you stand.
 

Do Not Stay Around Toxic People

Another absolutely crucial lesson to take out of the psychopathic experience is to respond correctly if you find yourself in the same position again. In most cases this simply means realizing what is happening sooner and getting away from the psychopath as quickly as possible. Escape and evade is the best tactic in most cases.

It can be a trap that someone falls into where they stubbornly stay and try to fight and resist the psychopath, especially in work scenarios. They rightly think that they shouldn't be forced to change their job or where they live because of one toxic person. This response is totally understandable but often counterproductive. If this is what you did the first time it is almost certainly not the way to respond if it happens again.

The reason for this is simply that they often don't understand what they are going up against the first time it happens. 

They do not fully comprehend that psychopaths have no conscience or empathy and so will go to any lengths to undermine and destroy a target psychologically.

They will just keep going until they get the result they want.

It is very difficult to win with these people because they are so ruthless and do not follow the rules of humanity and decency like the rest of us do, who feel and empathize and grasp the emotional consequences of our actions on others. 

Psychopaths don't have these fail-safe mechanisms and are relentless in their targeting of someone.

Therefore the best approach in almost all cases is to back out of any situation where you are involved with a psychopath and seek another environment. If that means finding another job then it is best to accept it and move on. It shouldn't have to be this way in an ideal world but it simply isn't worth it for the damage a psychopath can cause, especially if you have been through the experience before and know what it is like.

Being fully aware of just how mentally twisted and evil these people are will help you make a choice that better serves you in the long run.

https://psychopathsinlife.com/learning-from-psychopathic-abuse/

A Legend in His Own Mind

"Choices that are the product of deception are generally viewed to be incompatible with autonomy. When people lie to obtain money, we call it theft. When they lie to enter private property, we call it trespass. When they lie to obtain sex . .we have no idea what to call it."   - Luis E. Chies

The psychopath is a legend in his own mind. 

Grandiosity is not clinically measured by an individual's self-confidence, but by the disparity between his view of himself and the facts of his life. It is maintained, moreover, through the behavioral devaluation of others (Meloy, 1988). The grandiosity of the psychopath leaves its sexual mark through his control and deception of the sex object. Deception serves his grandiosity because it demonstrates to the psychopath, once again, that he is brighter, more clever, and trickier than his victim. A series of sexual liaisons unknown to his spouse or partner, is felt as a sense of expansive delight.

The psychopath believes he is entitled to take from others whenever he wants. There is a complete absence of reciprocal altruism (Trivers, 1985), the stitching that maintains our social fabric. Entitlement and grandiosity­ an attitude and a fantasy, respectively ­may feed off each other. They often defend against feelings of envy, an emotion which is managed through devaluation. If the sex object is sufficiently 'damaged', she was not worth having in the first place.

Psychopaths engage in more frequent predatory (planned, purposeful, emotionless) and affective (reactive, emotional) violence (Cornell et al., 1996; Hare & McPherson, 1984). Their sexual exploitations are served by a number of psychopathic traits: low levels of anxiety, chronic emotional detachment, sensation-seeking, fearlessness, orientation to threats, and shallow affect.

 
Psychopaths typically show a callous disregard for the rights and feelings of others (Hare, 1991). The extreme of callousness is sadism, wherein indifference toward others has become pleasure at their suffering, submission, and loss of control. Given the degree to which psychopaths attempt to dominate their objects, rather than affectionately relate to them, it is not surprising that there is a strong and positive relationship between sadism and psychopathy.’