Images of all handwritten 'letters' are available through a link at the bottom of the main 'The Letters' page.

Letters 3 & 4 
Our Second First-Date

He had told me he was throwing walls up because I was getting too close, that he was afraid to open up to me. I bought it.  

I would get tired of feeling so alone, unwanted, and like he was going to remain a stranger. But I cared. I believed him when he said he was struggling, that he was starting to get back to a good place, and would become more available soon. He said that we had something special, and that he knew we were going to make it. He'd say that he never apologized to anyone, but that he was sorry for how he'd been treating me. I thought he meant it..There was always so much tension and drama created by the difficulties his abuse and neglect caused. I used to jam out to this song below like a complete dork. No shame, it's a good song 🤷‍♀️

A few months after this, he texted me the day before his birthday about having a hard time opening up and sharing his 'demons,' I don't think he realized that I considered him telling me that to be opening up some, and I appreciated it

Letter 3:

"I'm not asking you for anything. I'm not complaining. I have no blame to place. I just view you the way I always meant to, as a gift I appreciate, but I want to act like it too! I don't expect to be the most important thing /person in your life, but I know you care about my feelings for you & my thoughts. I know I've said it before. I try not to say it for fear of inflicting pain, but I'm so sorry for what happened with you father, for how it happened & for you losing him. If I could make your heart & mind feel better, I would. I would trade places in an instant if it were possible. I will never try to "fix" things. I care for you & adore you the way you are. I'll be here for anything you ever want to work on, but I wont push you because I am with you for you, not who I want you to be. F*** expectations. The real thing is better. The fights and the hurt is better than what you referred to as normal. If you're not a normal bf, I do not want normal. I want you <3. I'm still learning you, but we have time, I know there are things & future scenarios you have serious reservations about, one day at a time babe. I plan to be here tomorrow. My feelings, our relationship probably seems petty compared to difficulties you're facing or past experiences. I'm fine with that. You'll matter to me no matter where I'm prioritized according to situation to you. It's okay, I'm here for it. <3

Written 5/2020

Letter 4:

"Part of me knows you've been quiet since our date because you're going through something bad. But for some reason in silence I start thinking bad things..like that you're mad at me or that you're just done with me & will never speak to me again. After our date I shouldn't even have those fears. I should be more worried about you & I am worried because I love you.. I want you to be alright. Did I say something wrong? Did talking about so much with me trigger a flare up? Did another person you love pass away? God, I hope not babe. I want you to be ok. This is intense."

Written 5/2020

I wrote the ‘letters’ above after we had our first date since quarantine started (the date available through the link below this writing) we hadn't seen each other in two months! He had broken up with me for less than two minutes over something so stupid; over my response to the bizarre incident described in the story He Just Drove Away, which you can read view here. It seemed like a pretty lovely date..I was elated to FINALLY see and touch him. 

HE BROKE UP WITH ME AFTER STONEWALLING ME FOR A WEEK FOLLOWING THIS DATE. ..We had this date, I though all was well again, and then he cut off communication for a week and broke my heart when I asked him to call me. That Discard is available here..

Even the 'Letters'/ notes I wrote to express how much I cared for him sounded apologetic. I was always making sure the letters and messages started out with me stating my non-hostile intentions, not that it did any good. It was my preemptive defense for his usual attack(harsh negative assumptions and accusations of blaming, "picking at him,"&"unloading on him").

I should have trusted my all of fears and discomfort, but at that point I no longer trusted my own thoughts and didn't want to hurt or be exhausted anymore. 

I'd end up apologizing and believing I had accidentally wronged him. I knew it had to be all my fault, I must have done something that caused him to lash out. I learned to agree with his negative opinion of me and my thoughts, that I provoked him, that something was terribly wrong with who I was...that I was a burden to him. I was constantly trying to appease him, support hum, and cause NO HARM. He'd apologize days after each blow up, and then the PATTERwould repeat itself.