The 'Letters' were never intended to be letters.Why I wrote them explained here.

Letter 2

Backstory:

Following the "He Just Drove Away" incident- I was once more, accepting blame for all that was wrong. He had driven to my place to pick me up for our first date in two months..and then he just left! He left right after he knew I was coming outside to meet him. Then he refused to answer his phone or contact me AT ALL for over 48 hours. 

Yet, I apologized and said that I had overreacted and wronged him. I had  inconsiderately "pushed blame" again some how. It made no sense. He was just messing with me to continue the psychological abuse..Regardless of his reasons, the impact his words and actions had on me was very painful. 

Although he was the one who had done something ugly, he got kind messages from me in response to his stonewalling...Because, I cared about him. I wanted to be as supportive and patient as possible. I thought he deserved that.  So during the 48 hrs of silence after the incident..I reflected on how I thought I had failed him..This 'letter' was written during that time, when I thought I wasn't treating him right...I felt like everything was my fault, he made sure of that. 

He had mistreated me, but I was the one who was sorry. 

The Letter:

"Silence is something I wish I had always been ok with between us. I happily accept it now. I've been reflecting on many things lately, but one of the most important is you. D***, you've been in the midst of an extraordinarily difficult time. We got together while you were in a very early stage of grieving a tragedy. I know the timing is absolutely awful, but we kind of just ran into each other. I'm glad we met, but I realize I failed you by failing to consider you in the way I always intended to. 

I have such remorse for this shortcoming. I'm ready to move forward with & by you; however, you need to know this. I need you to know I recognize areas of my character to strengthen to give you the peace and enjoyment you deserve..To be a friend to you. I should have been able to take a step back and escape the whirlwind of emotions I allowed to engulf me. You and all you've been experiencing are more important than my desire for your affection and affirmations. My damn insecurities and excitement with being with you left me with cravings I should have controlled sooner. I failed to be selfless during a time you truly needed it.

I'm not caught up in my self-loathing anymore over my fallacies, but I know there's much to be improved upon so I can bring more positivity to your life instead of stress. When you need silence to sort through the things more intricate than I can comprehend, I 'll be fine & understanding of such. When there are times you want to talk, please talk to me. When there are times you want the simplicity of my company without any thoughts-I'm down. I mean it when I say I'm always here if you need anything. Everyone needs someone or something sometimes, even someone as strong as you. I do care. 

Please know I will always believe you deserve the best; there's absolutely nothing you could've done in your past that could change that. I'd forgive anything. Even if there are instances in which you did wrong. I don't care. I mean, obviously I care, but nothing would change how I see you or how I care about you. Too soon, but you've pulled something unconditional out of me. I'm here for you babe, I'm not depriving myself- because making you feel alright, even if just for a moment, is what I want."

Written 5/2020