The 'Letters’ were never intended to be letters at all. Why I wrote them explained here.
Letter 1
3/2020
The ‘letter’ is available below the backstory.
No Show
No Show
He and I had our amazing first date(in person/we had a library study session & a six hr "phone date" prior.) This first official date lasted 10 pm-5 am. He asked me to be with him, to be his girlfriend. We talked about a lot. The next day he introduced me to his mom who worked on campus, and he said he'd already talked to his brother about me. He seemed so energized and excited. I just assumed he was impulsive like me, very infatuated, and genuinely interested in getting to know each other better. We seemed to be on the same page to an astonishing extent about all of my most important life philosophies and core beliefs. We got together again the next night walking up and down his street, then spent time in his house-including the bedroom-. The TMI is relevant, I promise. Two days later he said he was going to come pick me up for another date/walk. I spent hours getting pretty. I called him that evening after 7pm, he said he was getting ready and would be picking me up at 9pm.
Well..come 9pm he hadn't shown up. He wouldn't answer his phone. I had just told him a personal story about how a man befriended me, rescued me from my abuser, helped me grieve my grandmother's death, and spent 5 months convincing me he truly cared before I allowed myself to get close to him; then as soon as I got involved with him he disappeared, betrayed me, he abandoned me. I was nothing to him but a mark. I told D.B. how awful it was! I shared so much because D.B. had shared many very personal and awful stories too(likely fake ones). I shared way more with him that I should've, but I felt so comfortable and safe around him..He had also shared SO much,after all.The reason we started speaking in the first place was because I checked on him after class when he seemed sad. It turned out to be because of a family tragedy. He sent me an email about how much it meant to him. He knew I cared. He knew I had a kind heart. He was my friend. He really liked me. He knew how timid I was; I even jumped away the first time he tried to hug me. He said he'd never date someone he couldn't see himself marrying. He said at his age(39)he KNEW what he wanted. He said he wanted to get to know me, and that he adored everything about me. We seemed to have great chemistry. Surely him not showing up or answering his phone right after I shared stories of my worst fear(betrayal/abrupt abandonment) with him was just an unfortunate coincidence.He had told me he wanted a serious relationship. He spent a lot time convincing me that all of his life goals were aligned with my own; including wanting a family and not wasting time on petty thrills. He had confided in me his fears, secrets, and about how he projected a different persona with everyone else to seem tougher/"more bada*s than who he really was..That his "hard" image was important to him because he liked to keep himself guarded. On our first date his facial expressions, his mannerisms, and his tone of voice all seemed profoundly sincere. He HAD to have meant it. Yet, the timing of him not showing up was suspicious. (especially later on when certain patterns began appearing). I had just told him my worst fear, and now it seemed to be taking place by him bailing and refuaing to speak shortly after we were physically intimate for the first time. (Judge me if you want, it had been nearly eight years, I was 30 years old, I liked him in an intense way that made no sense. So yeah, we slept together mere days after becoming a couple. Oops. Here’s more TMI-he never put the same amount of effort into seducing me ever again. Oh well- that was the least of my worries.) Something was off, but I kept assuming I was being paranoid. Maybe I was? But he had PTSD..he'd be forgiving and understand why being with him was such a big deal for me. Surely he would show up later, or have a good reason for not picking me up.So I tried to believe he just so happened not to show up to the date at 9.. He'd told me he never slept all the way through the night, that he woke up nearly every hour..yet he couldn't answer my concerned texts, my calls that night while I was panicking?? I was so scared it was happening again. Afraid that another man had deceived and used me. I was upset, confused and terribly anxious. I knew something was off by the intensity of the first real date..by him committing to me so quickly, the serious things he said about a potential future with me. BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW IT. I DIDN'T WANT TO ACCEPT IT. I was having flashbacks, they made me remember and feel stuck in even worse past traumatic events-. The panic and sadness became overwhelming. I texted and called him far too many times throughout the night as I tried to snap out of the state I was in. He never answered me. The man who said he never could sleep, and woke up all throughout the night- he wasn't able to send out a single message to give me some relief. I had a really bad feeling, my intuition knew-but I was fighting so hard to not trust my gut feelings.
I kept thinking, surely he was just like me?. I'm impulsive too, and I didn’t have any bad intentions-Surely he didn't either! We had a strong connection, why deny that? I figured I was just fighting it too hard because I was afraid to date again. I had taken a huge leap of faith by jumping into a relationship with him. I took the huge risk I'd been avoiding for years because of the phenomenal communication we had, the intense chemistry, his refreshing openness with me. I'd never felt this way before. Talking with someone and being understood had never felt so easy and natural for me. I convinced myself there was no way he'd happen to be just another monster.
I pushed myself to trust because I thought I was simply making negative assumptions due to my past experiences. I feared that if kept my guard up I'd be alone forever, that I'd be pushing away someone good. There was NO WAY he was just like the others.. I mean, what are the odds!? I'd grown so much over the past 7-8 years! I was more confident. I'd accomplished things. I was ready for something fun and good to happen in my life! We had such in-depth conversations for a total of over 12 hours in such a short amount of time.. within only a few days. I really liked him. He'd spoken incessantly about how much he liked and admired me. I knew so many things about him, and he knew so much(too much)about me! This was going to be something good this time around!
I decided, everything was alright. I should trust him. I mean, the way he stared into my eyes so comfortably while having such a big warm smile, he had to care. I knew he did. I had checked on him and cared that he was hurting. We bonded. I figured I was just having a harder time with my c-PTSD because I was involved with a man for the first time since the trauma from many years ago. I felt TERRIBLE for putting poor D.B. through all of the texts and calls he didn't respond to. I felt terrible because he would have to be patient with me while my PTSD was "triggered". I didn't know his affection was going to trigger me, I hadn't tried to date since the incident several years ago. So, how could I have known I'd have this reaction!? That had to be what was inducing this episode?I felt so embarrassed and sickeningly guilty. But I thought he'd understand when I explained it to him..He had said he had terrible PTSD and he'd shared his struggles too, in great graphic, depressing detail. That was part of our connection. Surely if anyone could sympathize with my situation, it'd be him, right? He was a good,honest person with compassion. He knew what it was like to get stuck in a bad place too..to be triggered. I was just being a chicken.. It was time for me to man up!
He contacted me the next morning after being a no show, expressing how f*cked up and crazy my behavior was, that he had simply fallen asleep! That he talked to friends about me. How what happened was a huge red flag, that normally he wouldn't even give someone a second chance. That I should be flattered. Normally he didn't even date anyone. He said his friends knew he was usually chill, and that only b*tches got him upset like this. He told me he had told them "f*ck that b*tch" when angry. He apologized for saying ugly things when he was mad. He said a friend convinced him to give me another chance and hear me out. He told me his secret about having a child who perished in a horrible accident. Which was likely 100% false. He told me how after that and war, he didn't sweat the small things. He said "Nothing is that serious to me." "Death doesn't even phase me, that's why it's good I found my father." I assumed that was due to his combat experience. He said he was in combat for 10 years after all! Supposedly..Well, he talked it out with me , I wanted to explain, but couldn’t really get a word in. We saw each other that evening. However, when we were in his room I asked, "Do you forgive me yet?" He said, "Ask me in a week. I'm just being honest. That was a big red flag, it was a big deal!"He sure had forgiven me enough to have seen me and slept with me again! It felt degrading for him to say that right after we were intimate, and while I was still sitting on his bed. Disgusting.
As he drove me back home after the date, I attempted to explain in person how triggered I had felt the night before because of that horrid experiences from the past. Tried to tell him sorry and that I knew it wasn't his fault. When I tried to describe with a little more detail how the past impacted me, he said with a straight face ,"That's what you get for f**king with a n**ger." I was hurt that the man I had talked about what seemed like EVERYTHING with for all those hours the days before had no interest in talking or listening anymore. That he wasn't holding my hand or opening doors for me like he did before. Why had we had a romantic date and spent hours together if he hadn't forgiven me yet!?He dropped me off & the confusing nightmare really began.
At the very start we had such deep, meaningful conversations that lasted for hours! We talked about EVERYTHING; about things we enjoyed, but mostly about our tribulations. We had just begun, and suddenly I felt like I already had to prove myself, fight for him like he was a prize. He didn't act like I was prize too.. He said he'd break up with me if I did something like that again. I felt out of sorts for trusting another man again in the first place. Thus, I assumed the issue was all with me, surely not with him..I knew I had done wrong by freaking out when he blew me off. I felt ashamed, guilty, hurt and scared
Later I had to accept that he didn't show up intentionally-he was messing with me. I did not want to believe that. I didn't, until he showed up this last time in 9-10/2020. After that episode and EVERYTHING else from the entire relationship..It being on purpose is the only thing that fits with his pattern of dishonesty and selfishness. So I guess he wanted a reaction, and because of my background-he got a BIG one. Or he didn't care how I reacted because he had already gotten what he wanted. I should've known he was just using me and bailing on me..I really didn't know that was what was happening..OUCH..
I had just been so careful for such a long time. I really liked him, and I was lonely. I thought he was a better man than to do something like that.
Written 3/2020