Why It Was Difficult for Me
No contact with an abuser seems like something that should be relatively easy, but it is far from simple. It certainly took me a long time to implement it. I tried to. I would block his number immediately following each discard. Then I would unblock it within a couple of days.
During and after our relationship I believed that I didn't know what I thought I knew. That sounds baffling for a reason. I was uncertain, confused and overwhelmed by every thought I had. I didn't trust them. I didn't know what anything meant or know what was and wasn't real. My mind wanted everything to settle down.
HE is who would make my mind shut off when I'd begin to feel frantic from the stress his abuse caused. Thus, I would begin to miss him shortly after each discard. I would begin to feel desperate. I'd hope for him to come back so I could escape from the miserable place I was stuck in.
When he'd leave he'd be gone for a few months...but he always came back. I didn't want to have his phone number blocked in case he tried to reach out to me because I knew when he came back I would be able to stop hurting for a few days. The thought of him returning and providing me with a couple of days free from the burden of painful confusion was very appealing.
I wanted him to come back to me so the hopelessness could end. I wanted to surrender and do whatever he wanted so he'd stay and keep the suffering at bay. I wanted to believe in him again so that things could make sense. I wanted things to make sense..even though thinking he was the answer to the problems he created made none whatsoever.
I didn't want to block him out. It was an extremely frustrating way to feel. The sleep deprivation caused by the stress and doubt kept me in an even foggier mental state. I'd go back and forth, totally unsure of which version of things to believe in. Nothing felt solid enough to grab ahold of anymore.
I couldn't trust my thoughts. I couldn't be sure I understood what had transpired correctly, or if I was just completely out of my mind and pushing him away when he was truly trying. Blocking him made me feel cruel. I would start to consider the possibility that he was really trying to do better, and that I'd just heartlessly shut him out when he needed someone's support.
I'd get scared that I had zero grasp on reality. I'd see his face when I closed my eyes, and I'd wake up feeling broken as if he had left with a piece of me. I wanted my joy and my desire to keep going back. I had so much joy before I met him. I was goofy and friendly. I loved to make people smile and I had hope for many wonderful things. I was funny..I was bubbly and a major smartass.
I was many good, sweet, and lovely things. Then he left me afraid, empty, and hopeless. I didn't understand what had happened or what to do. I promise you the way I saw the world became as skewed as the false version he kept saying was real. My mind could not process it y'all. It got BAD, but I left the door open for him to come back around and mess me up some more.
I did not go no contact for a long time. I felt like I couldn't. That caused a lot of shame..especially before I understood why I was doing it..It was not pleasant.
Going no contact required being certain of the situation I was in and having faith in my ability to rationally decide what was best and how to resolve an issue. The problem with that was that I didn't trust myself anymore. I didn't know what to think.
Anytime I thought I knew something, I'd immediately doubt it and begin to panic. I was afraid to do anything, especially if what I was doing meant shutting him out forever..because what if I was wrong??
I'd start feeling choked when the thought of never being able to escape where he'd left me would cross my mind. It felt impossible to make any decisions, and cutting off all contact is a big decision. For obvious reasons I couldn't say goodbye.
I’d read that no contact is for when you are dealing with a dangerous narcissistic abuser, so if I were to go through with it I'd be admitting what he was and what he did to me. It would become my new reality. That was not something I could handle yet.
I could not fully accept that everything between us was a lie and that I had been betrayed, used and crushed by a man who only pretended we were in a relationship to get what he wanted from me. To accept that as my reality was devastating.
Going no contact permanently could only be done once I admitted the hideous truth of our 'relationship' to myself..But as you can imagine, knowing what is and isn't true is nearly impossible when you believe you are incapable of knowing anything. I felt helpless..
Keeping that channel of communication open to him was the only bit of hope I felt. I could think of no other way to be ok other than for him to come back and show me what I suspected was wrong, and that everything was actually much less dark than it seemed.
I didn't want the truth to be true. I couldn't let go of all I used to think was real. The love I felt, the moments we shared, and the hopes he built up..those were tremendously painful to let go of because of how much letting myself fall in love had meant to me. Simply dating was a huge deal for me because I had avoided men like the plague for a long time.
I am 31 years old. From ages 23 through 30 I avoided men 100%. So getting involved with him was monumental. He knew that. I didn't expect to fall so fast. I didn't set out to get into a relationship that moved at a freakishly rapid pace.
I didn't feel like he owed me anything, nor did I believe entering a relationship guaranteed forever together.. I never thought that way or felt I could be foolish enough to get swept up in it.. BUT he kept promising a future and saying how much he wanted us to end up married. I didn't bring it up. I didn't get that serious first...he did. Then my heart stupidly followed him.
He acted so certain and passionate about what he wanted for 'us' that I quickly joined in and started to want it too. Of course I wanted love and a meaningful relationship! But I wanted it with a genuine man..
He kept going on about how much HE wanted to be with me. Him doing that made me feel special and wanted. I wasn't used to that type of attention from a man. It's horrible and completely insane that he created such an elaborate lie just so he could get with me and inflict pain.
On some level I was aware that choosing to go no contact would mean that I was acknowledging none of what I thought we had together was true, and that he never wanted any of the things he made me invest in.
It would mean I was admitting there was never a relationship, merely exploitation of my lonely heart to get to...well..you know what he was trying to get to. He was selfish in regards to that aspect of our relationship too FYI.
Back to the main point, he dehumanized me and took what he wanted instead of seeing and appreciating me in my entirety. Being unable to fully accept that truth kept me stuck and afraid to cut off all contact. It was like I was trying to avoid the trauma I could already feel by attempting to deny it was there.
