Originally posted: 7/1/2021

WRITING IN PROGRESS

I just realized I'd never completed this one..

The Awful Person He Told Me I Was

Sections: 

• How He Saw Me 
  1.Weak  2.Crazy  3.Clueless 4.Selfish  5.Worthless  6.Pathetic  7.Damaged Goods 
   
• Blaming-shifting, Entitlement & Hypocrisy 
   
• Last Message I Sent

I go back and forth between talking 'to him’ and about him in my writings, again. Sorry! 😬

How He Saw Me

1. Weak

2.Crazy

I wrote about some of what was crazy on this earlier post available below.

3. Clueless

4. Selfish

5. Worthless 

Blame-shifting, Entitlement & Hypocrisy

A Taste of Double-Standards

He could fail to show up for a date, and refuse to ever call or respond to my texts, but he found it absolutely outraging and grounds for abusive punishment (stonewalling/ gaslighting) when I took ‘too long‘ to walk outside as he was picking me up for a date!? He never told me he was heading over. He hadn't even given me a specific time to expect him in the first place! And he didn't answer when I called him right back after missing his call. BUT I was expected to immediately rush outside to meet him when HE happened to choose to show up, on HIS schedule..WHAT THE HELL ABOUT MINE!????!? 
What about my standards? My needs? My time? What about the major inconveniences he constantly caused me?? What about me?? 
(That story is available here)

The relationship was never for us, it was all for him. HIS way, HIS standards, HIS schedule, HIS wants, HIS needs all had to be accommodated by me OR ELSE- but everything that was best for me, or that I wanted, meant nothing. He was always the one who got all the say on what was and was not going to happen in our relationship. 

If I was having a rough time (just as he was constantly stating he was struggling, stressed, mad, busy) If I had personal issues that caused me to need him to accommodate ME for a change/ to compromise like a good partner for my sake too-Whatever was best for me was DENIED, SHAMED, DESTROYED AND LEFT ME FACING CRUEL CONSEQUENCES.  All I needed ( which was always far less demanding than all he required) just got ignored and got me in trouble if dared to try to address hurt his unfairness, neglect, and insulting accusations caused.

Still, he let me know HE was the one deserving better than me. He acted like he was the one being held back and bothered by the relationship. He took and gave nothing. He attacked. He abused and accused—But still somehow, some way, he still had the nerve to repeatedly express that it was I who was unworthy of him.

More Entitlement & Blame-shifting

I think he DOES believe all of the pain he caused me, and our relationship's demise, is my fault. I think he truly feels if I had been less crazy, less needy and less clueless things would've worked out. Unfortunately, I had to go and 'push his buttons' by being so hopelessly flawed. Hmm...

It is more likely never wanted a real relationship, but that is also my fault..because if I'd been everything he'd ever fantasized a perfect woman should be, he would have actually wanted and respected me. I let him down and 'made him' act like a complete as*hole. It is my fault I fell short of his expectations. Everything is my fault. I wasn't up to par for his excellency.

He feels he deserves a beautiful woman who wants nothing, requires nothing, and who doesn't feel or speak unless she says what he wants when he is in the mood to hear it. She will know her 'place.' He must feel that is what he deserves, otherwise he wouldn't have acted like that was exactly what he expected from me. That was the only way I could ever be worth his time/ be good enough. If only I had been a better servant and offered him everything he needs to fulfill himself. Too bad that isn't what the purpose of a relationship is supposed to be..I was never meant to serve him, exist for his amusement, and for him to do with whatever he pleased at my expense until he got bored. I am a person dammit!

This man thinks he is the only person who is real, who feels or matters.

These people break us down just so they can point out someone else as being the chaotic mess-Reality is, nobody is a bigger mess in need of critical intervention than the narcissist telling you how horrible you are. Having issues or disorder(s) is NOT AN EXCUSE to harm other people. It is senseless violence. It needs to stop. Abusive individuals take people who offer more to the world than they likely ever will, and make them feel pointless, small and bad.

That ideal woman D.B. deems worthy of himself does not exist. And if a 'perfect' woman did exist, she definitely would NOT want him.(Someone who will mistreat and fail to appreciate her) His expectations of a worthy woman are comical, but offensive. Here are his standards once more-She will accept abuse graciously, look great, never complain, talk, want, need, feel, or think. She will obey, fear and please him. That's it. She must fear everything she does, because he will ridicule it all, attack her, shame her, blame her, and abandon her if she ever fails to do exactly what he wants how he wants it. He demands complete control. But twists words so you think you made the choice.

He must approve of what you do, think, feel, and even how you look..The best part is..he will never actually approve. He has to convince himself that everyone else is a loser, so that he can win a game that doesn't exist outside of his head. No matter who a woman is, with D.B., she will always lose, because he doesn't know what it is to legitimately win. He said he wins at life..oh darling, you've already lost..by your own will. I don't want him to lose, but someone who can't love or change will always fail miserably when it counts most. He most definitely failed and disappointed me in the worst way possible.

I swear, he attacked and hurt me anytime I'd act like I was a PERSON, and expressed my expectation to be treated as such. Me behaving like I was a person, just like him, deserving the same respect and consideration..would get him very agitated.

Me acting like I mattered just as much he did, was always taken as a serious offense. I know it was taken as an offense, because that was when he would attack me the most viscously...Anytime I stood up for myself and acted like he and I were equals, he'd respond by acting disgusted, outraged and disturbingly heartless.

He shifted blame, attacked, invalidated, disrespected, and manipulated everything around in order to justify the unacceptable ways he was treating me.

He'd let me know he was attacking me because I had done wrong. My most frequent offense-letting him know his neglect, accusations, and hateful remarks caused me pain and confusion.

When he finally admitted to abusing me, he downplayed and excused that too! Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. Then, his favorite game- You see, he finally owned the fact that he'd been abusive, BUT he made sure to point out how my 'baggage' and craziness played a vital role in it too. I took the abuse too hard because I'm flawed... If I didn't have something wrong with me (issues) it wouldn't have happened or seemed so bad ! 

MY FLAWS MADE ME TAKE HIS ABUSE TOO SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S 'WRONG' WITH ME CAUSED THE PAIN I WAS IN & THE TRAUMA-

Surely not he and HIS disgusting abusive behavior....

Just like how he always said it was me misunderstanding and being crazy that caused me to be in pain during our relationship..I was just worrying because I had 'too much baggage'

Now he now admits that same pain was actually because he was abusing me.. OH, and makes sure to include it's also because I'm defective.

What HE is responsible for always falls back on my shoulders, one way or another. Once again, as always-he avoided full accountability and placed blame AND SHAME where is did not belong! On the person HE victimized with HIS actions. Shame on him.

When I blew up at him last time he hoovered, understandably, he didn't try to hold a real conversation. He didn't try to understand or care. He just pulled his usual cowardice, and attacked ME for calling him out, for struggling, for breaking down from all his hurtful, selfish, insensitive, neglectful, dishonest, cruel, empty, weak ways. By weak, I am referring to his character, his inability to stand by his word or own the fact that he's done horrible things.

He cannot prioritize anyone above what HE wants. 

His wants are above all else. 

He wants perfection, but his idea of perfect/good enough is unreasonable. 

It is actually completely preposterous for someone who fails to meet the lowest standards of others, to have such incredibly high standards for everyone else. 

It makes no sense. He almost never does. 

It is only good enough for him if it gives him exactly what HE wants.

He abused me. 

He was a terrible partner. 

Yet his entitled, egotistical self STILL managed to convince him that he deserved better than me..how? What? 

I will never get how a man who gave nothing, offered nothing and who abused me could have the nads to act like he was too good for me. This doesn't make me mad(today at least) it makes me sad, because the level of denial and delusional thinking required for him to believe his own bullshit...

Who broke this man? Why? How? Will he ever be alright? Can he be?

Each time he returned, it was he who needed to make it up to me. 

He is the one who was on 'relationship-probation' and should have been proving himself to ME because he'd greatly wronged me. 

HE did the wrong- But as soon as I accepted his apology and gave him another shot..guess what..

..I was the one, once more, being forced to tread very carefully, cater, and baby HIM.

HIS wants, standards, schedule etc etc had to be met by me perfectly. (his twisted version of perfection)

 Nobody can meet his needs and 'standards' perfectly, because they are greedy, impossible, and ever changing madness! 

It makes it easier for him to act like it was I who disappointed and provoked him. I failed him. 

My being too good for him, made me not nearly good enough.

Me expecting to be treated like a person. Me expecting him to do what he said he would/ Me having needs and feelings was all too much for him.. It was me being selfish and unreasonable. Cough.

Basically, he couldn't handle a relationship with a real person. 

Which is why he'd get mad and run when I'd refuse to be treated like I was nothing. 

My pain and happiness never mattered to him. 

He'd know he was hurting me. I'd tell him. 

If he abuses, the only person responsible for the abuse itself is him, the one who abused. His blame and attack on my integrity, mental health and emotional stability will never shift the blame in reality. That false belief will only move and distort facts around in the lies in which he lives.

None of my flaws, real, imagined or exaggerated, caused the hell he put me through- his abuse did. And I did not make him abuse me, he chose to.

He harshly attacks and hurts me more in order to continue living the lie that it was my fault HE hurt me-

I was too 'weak' to tolerate what HE did, I made HIM do it, or I 'allowed' HIM to do it. That is his rationale..

The thing is, no matter which way he pushes the blame to deny proper accountability, the bottom line is, HE did it. 

He failed and did inexcusable wrong- Not me. 

That is the one and only truth.

The Last Message I Sent Him

The final message I sent to him was through email. I was responding to the last thing he ever said to me, which was “Lol You’re so pathetic.” To add context, it was the discard portion of Hoover 4. And the way I wrapped up the message was because he had said he ‘loved the shit out of me’ only days prior to his usual love-bomb, stonewall, crazy-make, attack, and run pattern. 

Oh, and the apology I made was for saying if I were pregnant I wouldn’t bother telling him because no child deserves to suffer with an abusive father like he’d undoubtedly be. Yeah..a bit harsh. I was mad. I mean, no kid does deserve a father as hateful as my ex, but I feel I shouldn’t have said that..It was an ugly, unnecessary thing to say. So..I felt I owed him an apology. It was mean. And now I feel bad for saying it all over again. Moving on now..—

My response to his horrible, cold and childish message was as follows: 

‘ I forgive you and don't care what you think about it, or me. I'm giving myself closure, judge me for reaching out to you to achieve it. I stand by every beautifully kind thing I ever said to you. Because I'm not pathetic, regardless of what you've convinced yourself. I didn't control myself and I reacted strongly to your provocations. Not ideal, but understandable ...considering everything. Hey, if you can justify abusing(which you have), I can justify raging at my abuser. I am not angry anymore. I can't hate, or want you to suffer. My heart cannot do that, it goes against my nature. Goodness and my self-assertion seem to repulse you. I never thought I'd be able to fall out of love with you, and I'm excited that I've finally snapped out of it. Oh, but I am sorry for what I said about a baby, that was an absolutely horrible thing to say. I apologize. I doubt you care at all. But still. I'm sorry because I know it was wrong. I wouldn't keep that from you, but it's not going to happen. I hope you make it back to Dallas where you feel happier soon, if that was the truth. You deserve your own life. I'm embarrassed I offered to move there with you. Whatever. Hate all you must, I don't hate you. No insult from you would shock me anymore, so I may check my emails again one day if you want to send me some hate. I'll be fine. You do you. I forgive the shit out of you! ❤️Ha. You can't make me do otherwise. Bye.’ 

Related Article: Rage After Abuse

The link I placed above is for anyone else who feels guilty when they’re angry at their abuser. I always feel like a bad person when I think ugly things about my ex. I’m not mad today, but when I am angry..Insulting him, or simply stating negative facts, leaves me feeling ashamed and worried about his non-existent feelings. Whatever you‘re feeling, please know you’re not alone. You‘re not alone in your confusion, anger, fear, panic, obsessive thoughts, sadness, or exhaustion.. You are not the hideous things your abuser said(or says) you are. They’re WRONG. If they could see you (or anyone) properly, they wouldn't feel they have the right to abuse. They don't see you. They see whatever they need to see in order to feel it‘s acceptable to treat you horribly. They convince themselves you're dirt, and treat you accordingly. The abuser doesn't see you, and as far as I'm concerned, they are missing out on a beautiful view. 

Video: Feeling guilty for bad thoughts about narcissists