There's a big difference between taking responsibility for your actions and blaming yourself for someone else's.

My mistakes didn't make him do it, but I still made plenty of them—

Sections:

• 5 of My Biggest Mistakes 
• Vulnerabilities 
• What I Was After

5 of My Biggest Mistakes

(within the relationship)

1. I placed full responsibility for my happiness onto the relationship.

I turned to him to make me feel complete. That is not to say I asked him for anything unreasonable. I didn't ask him for anything that shouldn't have already been a part of a healthy, legitimate relationship. 
 
I didn't realize how easily the relationship and his mistreatment would consume me. My peace of mind became dependent on him being kind to me and 'us' being alright. He was rarely kind and he kept me unsure of where I stood with him. So although I became desperate for his affection and approval, I never got much of it.

I am responsible for my happiness. I forgot that when he initially made me happier than I had felt in a long time..or ever. Then when he suddenly pulled away and got mean I felt miserable and confused. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore. I wanted to feel ok again.

His cruelty and distance left me feeling incomplete and strained. I believed it was only a rough spot because of circumstances. That’s what he said was going on. I held on. I felt like I needed him. I don’t know how it happened. I was single for years and fine alone, but then I felt like I would collapse without him.

I was desperate for relief from the hell his harsh words and neglect left me in. I NEEDED the relief. I was so tired of hurting. I let him become the antidote to my pain and problems. He would tell me things that temporarily numbed my hurt, doubts, fears and stress (most of which was caused by damaging words he’d spoken earlier).
 
Then he'd disappear and I'd be left in the dark as the effects wore off and the unpleasant reality of our relationship started trying to set in. I’d start to realize something was wrong. I didn't want to see it. I didn't understand it. I just wanted him to fix it like he always did when he showed back up with a grand speech full of flattering claims to care and want a real future together.
   

2. I trusted him too easily.

I took everything he said at face value. The energy and hope I felt during our first long date was irresistible to me. He told me he wanted a real relationship and that he was thrilled about us. So I automatically 100% believed he wanted a real relationship and was thrilled to be with me. I had faith in his decency.
 

I trusted him far too easily. I didn't make him earn it. I didn't make him prove himself or earn ME. I had only met him a couple months prior. Yet as soon as he spoke I immediately believed his words were sincere.
 

The way he looked at me. The comfort I felt. It was like I was safe and speaking with someone I'd known forever. I gave in because I wanted what he told me he wanted. He described what he wanted most, and I happened to want the same thing.

I didn’t realize I was being mirrored. I just didn’t know. I was naive, vulnerable, and inexperienced with many forms of socialization. I didn’t think I was in danger
 

I went all in because he said he was all in. I quickly felt at ease because of how it felt when he took my hand and held eye contact with me. He was funny, smart, interested, vulnerable, and right in front of me! He seemed real. He said he was struggling but still couldn't resist me or the chemistry he felt between us.

I TRUSTED HIM AND ALL HE SAID. He said he was in need and hurting. I knew I would never hurt him. I thought it was a match made in heaven. I believed he was being as real as I was. I didn't once question if he was up to something or leading me on. Never once did I question it. I had only gotten to know him because I checked on him after his dad's death.

I never thought he was heartless. I shouldn't have assumed he was who he said he was. I should've slowed down. I should've had self-control, waited a little longer, and gotten to know him much better before I entered a relationship with him.

I should have believed what he was showing once I was his, instead of what he was periodically telling me after hurting my feelings. BUT no matter what I should've done or realize I could do better next time, it does not justify his abuse or make me deserving of the torture dating him turned out to be.
 

3. I jumped right into the relationship with him.

Once again.. I should've slowed down and set a more cautious pace, but I didn't deserve or earn the mistreatment and mind games that were to follow. Trusting the wrong person doesn't mean I deserve to be taken advantage of, misled, abused, or abruptly abandoned the very moment I fully let my guard down to offer him my heart and soul on a silver platter.

I was reckless with my heart.. but within the moments he stole it he made me feel so safe and cared for.
 
I had never had a normal relationship in my adult life. So when he claimed to be a good man interested in building one with me, I was ready to know what that was like. He said it was going to be the healthiest relationship either one of us had ever had!

I was wrapped up in all his loving attention. I was taken over by a rush of positive emotions I hadn't felt before. It was a different type of positive emotion that captivated the center of my heart and lit it up for the first time. I gave in. I wanted to be happy. I wanted the company of someone who seemed to really want mine.

A man treating me kindly and seeming to possess depth was too good for me to resist. He was a dream. He was saying everything I’d gone my whole life without was what he had in store for me. He said he was going to treat me right. He said he knew he was going to fall in love with me. He actually spoke as though he'd already gotten started..

It felt like a fantasy.. because it was. He created it and I accepted it as reality because it was something I’d always yearned for. He looked and sounded so sincere. I suppose he made sure to figure out what dreams I had—Made it easier for him to present the right thing to demolish my walls and take my heart. Horrible. :( 
 

4. I prioritized him above everything else.

I finally had a chance to have what I’d always wanted. A partner. A best friend. I was starved for companionship and care forever, then he appeared in my life stating that was exactly what he wanted to provide.

I was so appreciative to him for being a dream come true and treating me right.. —at least he was at first when he convinced me that's how it was going to go.

When he got distant and cruel I still appreciated him because I believed he was struggling like he said he was. I thought that he was a good man who simply needed my patience and compassion.

However, being patient and showing endless support got more and more difficult after each time he lashed out or vanished. I felt I wasn't doing enough to do right by him.

I kept trying so hard, and that effort left me with nothing to put into other aspects of my life. He and our relationship became my life. It all happened so fast, yet it felt like it dragged on for years

He was difficult and demanding. It required all of me. I was more than willing to sacrifice everything for him. I thought that was the right way to love. I was wrong.

Of course his mind games and future-faking played a huge role in getting me so invested, but I had vulnerabilities that made it easier for him to get me deeply attached to him through nothing but empty promises, inconsistent attention, and degradation.
   

5. I listened to my emotions instead of my logic— then his 'logic' instead of my intuition. I doubted myself, not him.

Prior to the first date I knew relationships took time. Yet after the six hour phone call and all night date walking around campus together .. I felt high out of my mind. It was such an amazing high. Beautiful, positive, and powerful feelings

I was so enamored and shocked. It was surreal in the best way. I got wrapped up in what he showed me that night. I believed that kind, complicated, and open man was who he was. It is who he continued to claim he was throughout the year.

When he quickly started to show me he was indeed not all he claimed to be and wasn't interested in what he said he wanted…I couldn’t believe what his actions and hateful words were showing me, because right after being cruel his words would soften and he’d invite me to spend time with him like he was sorry and missed me.

I refused to trust my emotions because they made no sense if I were to trust his version of things. It didn't match. No matter how much unease I felt, I trusted him and refused to trust myself.

All of his convenient stories made me feel worried and guilty. His heartbreaking excuses made me feel like I'd been worrying and hurting over nothing.

The gaslighting was powerful. I was quick to think there was something wrong with me. I had been pushed down this way before. I slipped back in without realizing it, and quickly felt horrible about myself because I thought I was harming the man I loved. 

I no longer trusted my own judgment because he expressed that everything I did was wrong and ruining us.

I trusted him, I didn't think he'd try to break me down. I fully believed him when he'd tell me "That shit's all in your head."

My emotions were telling me I was hurting, afraid, confused, and exhausted…but D.B. was telling me I had nothing to be confused about and that I was overthinking, being selfish, and acting crazy. I felt totally alone, but he claimed to still be there. 

I listened to him. Then I silenced and forgot about me— just like he had.
 

I made mistakes, but I didn't deserve to be maliciously torn apart as a consequence of trusting him and falling in love.

Vulnerabilities

I’ve been told everyone wants and needs love. I believe that, but I also feel like I need that love and acceptance too much.

I thought I was independent and that I didn't need a relationship. Regardless of how sure I felt that I didn't need a man, as soon as we began dating I felt I had more purpose. SO it seems that no matter how strong I felt I'd become throughout the years, I was still unfulfilled and lonesome. 

I was continuing to wait around to be made to feel complete.. It wasn't intentional. But I guess deep down, the loneliness had me feeling like something was missing. I turned to the new relationship as a form of escapism without realizing that's what I was doing.
  

Waiting for love from a man to fulfill me and make me happy. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't realize I had. But I definitely felt different once he entered my life. I suddenly felt like I wasn't all alone. I should have found a way to be whole by myself. 

For me to fall as fast as I did and buy all the bullshit he sold on our first date, I had to be desperately tired of doing this life alone. I had to have been fed up with keeping to myself. 

I was ready for love. It was something I had wanted, yet avoided, for such a long time.. So as soon as I got it I was ALL IN. I was ready. I was too ready to have someone love me. It became everything to me, and I gave my all to him— even though he was neglecting the hell out of me.
 

I'd learned many years ago that I couldn't get what I needed or ever be enough, but at least I could help other people be alright and get them what they needed.. I thought that was ok. It is not. 

I thought living for others was the best I could do. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I know I have to fix my dependence issues. I do not want to burden someone with maintaining my inner peace and happiness.. that is MY job.

My need for validation and acceptance may not have manifested in a way that would have been observable if I had dated a good man, so I am thankful for this hellish relationship. Now I can become even better for when I meet a man who actually deserves my love.

But first, I have to figure out how to build myself up. My confidence was too low to have many friends growing up. I felt too disgustingly hideous, stupid, and weird to be around others. I hid all throughout my adolescence and early adulthood. 

Social anxiety and self-loathing kept me endlessly stuck in misery. But no matter how wrapped up I would get in my isolating feelings of inadequacy, I still wanted everyone else to be ok.

The shame of being so emotional and anxious has been with me for a long time, especially since teen years. Kids are mean. I wanted to act tougher. I wanted to not care..but I JUST COULDN'T. People picked up on this, so as social ranks began to form in school and work settings -as they naturally do- I was at the bottom. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

Peers recognized that I was deeply hurt by unkind words and would never stand up for myself. I was an easy target for people needing a punching bag.
 

It was lonely, and only made me care more. The more I'd hurt, the more I didn't want others to ever have to feel the same way.
  

I still can’t fully grasp how some people could be so mean and not care about the pain they caused. I can't imagine not caring about harming someone else, or to know someone else is suffering and not be bothered by it. That’s not possible for me. My heart can’t handle that.
 

Not caring goes against everything I am. Sure, it could make people like my ex more comfortable to act like I'm also cold.. but I can't do that because I cannot live a shallow, empty, and false life.
  

It took me a very long time to realize that, although I desperately needed to develop mechanisms to manage my emotions, to care deeply for others and feel intensely is NOT a weakness or something to be ashamed of.
  

My extreme care and earnest heart became a weakness because I didn't know how to apply it to the harsh world we live in. Nobody showed me how. 

They just told me to be embarrassed of it and change who I am. I was told to toughen up and get over it because the world doesn't care. — BUT I CARE.
 

Being told to just ignore your inner-world is the worst advice possible! It's so horrible for an individual that it's usually the origin of abusive/narcissistic personalities!
 

Being told what you think or feel isn't important or acceptable is NOT OK. People deserve better. I should have had support and acceptance coming from somewhere.
 

As a youth and younger adult, I genuinely believed that I was the problem. That I was fundamentally defective and could never serve a purpose or survive the mean nature of most people.
 

So I focused on how much I loved everyone else, and never learned how to love myself. I hated me. I ignored me. I lived feeling ashamed of who I am my entire life.
 

Then miraculously a few years ago I had turned into a stronger, productive woman!

I finally recognized I was a good person and had a lot to offer..a lot of love and positivity to spread around by being kind to everyone I met whenever I had the chance. I saw that people didn't get nearly enough kindness and respect on a daily basis, so I only wanted to build people up, accept and support them. I wanted to comfort, serve, and love. I only wanted to bring care to others—the kind of care I'd love to be given.
 

Sadly, I was still very lonely. I was afraid to put myself out there ..really out there. I decided enough is enough! I returned to school, ready to take on the world and give it a hug at the same time! lol. I became so happy and sure of the woman I had grown into through all my trials and tribulations. But deep down there was still something that could be easily exploited.
 

...And after all of my hard work on self-improvement from years 2013-2020, and regardless of how all I wanted to do was bring happiness to the world, someone came along. A man who knew exactly what he was doing. He saw my greatest weaknesses, and he had no desire to be compassionate towards them.
 

For over half a decade I had been fighting for myself and my child with determination that nothing could damper. I had completed a degree at a trade school. I had gotten sole custody of my baby. I had a career in a doctor's office. I'd gone from 220lbs to 148. I was confident.
  

I was ready to be the me I always should've been! ..Until I met him.

All of that progress, just to fall into the clutches of a man who made me feel like I did way back before I was the woman I worked so hard to become.

He knocked me back down to the 20 year old version of myself— unsure and broken down without hope. He attacked those vulnerabilities he only knew I had because I trusted him enough to share them.

He tore me apart.
 

His abuse attacked the deepest wounds from earlier in my life. He attacked the most vulnerable and deep seated pain I have within me—and he did so on purpose. He attacked my inner child, spirit, and heart. He nearly killed me.
  

He took what I'd spent years rebuilding, and turned it into a chaotic war zone.

He took the scars from past relationships and tore them wide open while he carved his name in to make his own personalized mark. Then he took all that damage, both old and new, and ripped it all to shreds. A few bruises and wounds wouldn't suffice. He obliterated everything he could get his hands on, and then told me I had done it to myself.
 

When I would manage to start stitching together a small piece of all he and his abusive hell tore apart.. he'd show back up just to leave again, and pop open the new seams that had taken all I had left within myself to sew in.
 

Regardless of my weak spots and missteps, I didn't break myself down or deserve to be abused and betrayed by the man I protected and cherished.

What I Was After

Kindness. Friendship. Acceptance. Respect. Appreciation. Affection.  Consideration. To be known. To be understood. Happiness. Romance. Loyalty. Truth. Family. To help. 

To love and be loved.