Sections:

• Intro
  
• The Game (Hey D.B.)
  
• Basically,
• To Clarify*

Intro:

Well, at least that mess is over with. 😌 I tripped but didn't crash, because I caught myself. I remained skeptical the entire time he was here, but wanted to spend time with him anyway. I missed him, even if I shouldn't have. Had to get that out of my system!-

 The Game

To him, I say-

Thank you for the interesting attention you gave when you chose to provide it this time around D.B. It really was good to see you. I knew I was drudging through some cognitive dissonance the moment I read your first text on July 2nd, but getting some time with you felt worth a little chaos when I was at a low point.

 
I knew exactly what I was getting into. I survived, so I don’t regret it as much as I probably should. There was definitely some fun mixed in with the mess. All is forgiven. I have no trust in you, but I also have no hate. I knew if I stated I had ‘won’, that you ‘met your match’, and other things of that nature on my previous posts, you’d come back around to make sure you felt victorious. 😏 Annnd, that’s exactly what I wanted you to do. I see your game handsome, and decided to join in and play. Surprise babe-You have met your match. I did believe you were playing games, I suspected it and kept speaking with you anyway..didn’t I? You definitely did get to me a few times!-In the first part of the hoover, and once during the second part around when I left the voicemail. Impressive. You sneaky(but not sneaky enough, because I kept calling you out lmao) turd. All I had to do was appear vulnerable/defenseless, and you’d pounce at the opportunity to make me feel more insecure. I am actually digging this change in the dynamic. It’s weird, unhealthy, but empowering. At least it’s healthier than the old dynamic!
 

 
Hun, I even thought you were up to no good during our ‘date’.
I was still down to hang out, just like my other writing Pure Selfishness stated. I had a very nice time, but was bummed knowing it wouldn’t last for long.

I felt a vibe when I noticed you making comments like: ‘Hey look, you weigh more than 70lbs.’ ‘Explain this perfume because there’s a whole lot going on here- I mean it’s A LOT.’ ‘Does that shade of lipstick go with your dress?’—

I also picked up on how you were: Poking fun at how I talk to myself. Bringing attention to how nervous I was to speak up. Mentioning wanting to rip my head off. Joking repeatedly about sending me to Urgent Care. Interrupting me mid joke with an intensely loud/overly energetic exclamation, then picking at how it made me too intimidated to continue. Asking the same question you’ve asked during the last two hoovers about what I could possibly gain from seeing the same therapist for so long. Harping on how angry and socially withdrawn quitting smoking had you(like I was being prepared to expect and excuse major irritability and distance). Asking me if I’d rather go for a walk than be kissed.You also didn't even go in for a kiss until over an hour into seeing me..no desire there huh?? AND criticizing the amount of make up I wore to class, while also letting me know how many other women you are always hugging.—

*You hit on almost every major insecurity I have within half an hour. Plus, your energy when I was about to make a joke didn’t seem happy as you claimed. It seemed hostile and purposeful, as if you thought my joke was going to snub you( it wasn’t, it was going to be self-deprecating )  or like you simply wanted me to cower. Do you think you picking at my confidence wasn’t obvious?? It was.🖤

My love for you did make it a bit messier than I wanted towards the end, when I actually had a momentary lapse in judgment and desired for your lies to be true. I even started believing in a few of them. But hey, old habits die hard! 🚬 I was mostly flustered that you were ignoring me because I was wanting to chat and have a good time. I could see exactly what you were up to..it just got very annoying.  My bad, again. Over it. All I had to do to get you to quit was act defeated huh? Just seem desperately in need? -Typical. You changed things up, and so did I. ;)  🎮 ♟ 

 

Please don’t get me wrong..this does not mean that I didn’t actually want the things I said I wanted, OR that I wasn’t sad/frustrated with being treated like crap. All of that was very true. The thing is, after all of your abusive ways and dishonesty, I have learned I cannot let my guard down ever, or be 100% sincere with you often(if at all). I’ve learned my lesson. I only ever wanted the real deal. I hate dishonesty! But my dear, you have shown me you follow certain patterns which makes it seem you ‘play games’. I am tired of getting my heart and mind destroyed..SO, I only allowed myself to hand over a portion of my thoughts to you this time. And if you think I‘m disclosing everything I’ve discovered and all my logic right now..well, mmmk. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Look, I want authentic love and relationships..but when it comes to you, I know you have never allowed that..You have never wanted that. Thus, since I do care for you, enjoy your company, and admire your tactical mind, I decided to try to meet you in your own realm. You make things into a game. So to enjoy and survive my time with you, I felt I had to do the same. I couldn’t do it as neatly as you do, because my heart is still unwillingly in it..but I remained skeptical, suspicious and fully aware that you would quickly be gone. Not bad for a first try. It sounds insane, but that’s the only way to handle being around you without having my spirit extinguished. I don’t trust you- I had to find a way to accept and work with that fact, so I could more safely spend time with you. Being extremely cautious is required around a man like you. And deep down, you know I know that, because I know you.

The difference with my ‘game’ is that I am not trying to defeat you, I am merely trying to survive you and keep my heart intact. To me, simply staying alright is winning..and there doesn’t have to be a loser. I’m trying to work with you, even as I ‘play’ by carefully observing and considering all you and I do, and our responses to one another. I am still trying to get it, while not letting it completely get to me. I am trying to comprehend a small degree of how you function and perceive interactions with me. I did pretty well, because I made it out relatively unscathed(especially in comparison to how these episodes with you used to crush me) So woot! How ya like me now?!? lol 😘 

I’m stronger and more clever than you‘ll ever care to admit. That is ok with me. I care about you, but I no longer care what you think of me..because you’re almost always mistaken. If you really knew me, you’d appreciate my company and understand why it is so tricky for me to maneuver my way around when I’m within yours.

As far as wanting your lie to be real..of course I did! I wanted all you said to be the truth, because that would mean I would be allowed to be openly in love with you. That would mean you could love me too.. Which would be amazing, but I know you don’t. That wouldn’t make sense or match up with how easily you always leave me behind and intentionally mess with my head. I’m accepting who you are, and what you cannot give. I adore the fantasy you sold me though, always have. The fantasy being that you actually care and are simply difficult, struggling and messed up in the head. Yeah, I don’t think it is that simplistic, and I don’t think you care. 

It would be lovely if you actually cared and weren’t playing with my feelings, but I know better because you’ve repeatedly shown me differently..and that’s ok. I can deal. That’s exactly why I have to view you and I in this troubling context. I guess when it comes to you, I have my very own, brand new defenses. It is what it is. I’m not mad about it, I’ve deadened enough to avoid being as bothered as I used to be by the fact that you never have and never will have any love for me. ☯️ 

Things change, and so have I. You can never change my big heart, my capacity for genuine love, or all the goodness I have to offer. You will never change the beautiful core of my identity. However, my time with you has definitely changed my willingness to trust. The hell our relationship put me through has made me appreciate myself, and develop an unshakable determination to fight for, and protect ME. I kept the best parts of myself, and I’m strengthening the bits that get taken advantage of by people like you. I see the positive in this negative situation. I see my defiance and the ‘attitude’ you hate as personal growth, because it is. 
 

Your bullshit could have broken me for good, but instead it made me come back harder, wiser and far too self-assured to depend on fake love from you. I don’t need or want you around. 

The fact that I still wanted and asked(or begged) for something, does not mean I need it. Love for a toxic man and some classic trauma bonding has not won, because I refuse to quit just as hard as you refuse to commit and give a sh*t. LOL! I’m hilarious. Deal with it. 😈😇

As I’ve said, my knowing a few new things and developing some sturdier boundaries doesn’t change my heart. That means, no matter how much nonsense I suspect or see you are up to, I am still me. Not that you care. It means that no matter how many bold statements I make, or how my confidence has been fully reinstated, I’m still always going to be that same sweet, wonderful woman you pretended to fall in love with. ❤️ See what I did there? LOL! I have not hardened my heart completely, I’ve just developed a very strange and sturdy shell around it for whenever you’re nearby. Anywho.. No anger, or observation changes that. I’m actually not even mad(I got that out with texts and voicemail 😂). I still mean the sentimental things I wrote on your birthday card, and all the things I spoke with you about the times you called. I still mean what I wrote in my other post about being around you exactly as you are.  So..I have changed, as has our dynamic..I mean, in general many things are changing, but a few constants remain. You already know what those constants are. I made one of them pretty obvious.

Well, I know this isn’t the neatest way to wrap this section up..but I have a birthday cake to finish decorating..So, I think you get the gist. You do you. ✌🏻

Basically,

He had an opportunity to come around and mess with my heart and mind, so he did so. No surprise there. I had a moment of weakness right before his birthday. Then I stayed less than my best for the past 20 days he was back in my life. I still held onto myself much better than I usually do when he’s around. As predicted, he blocked me out, and now I have the space I need to regroup and recommit to the reality of the situation and my personal growth. I told him to go if he couldn’t handle providing what I needed, and the man left. Fair enough sir! Too bad he never called to clear the air and get us ‘on the same page’. A page he likely didn’t see coming. His loss. Life goes on!

*TO CLARIFY*

I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't get close to fully accepting it until part two of hoover 5. Even then, he tripped me up some. I suspected during the first part as well, but there was definitely more hope then, no matter how much I fought it. I was still trying to 'play' to survive somewhat..but I was nowhere near as determined. I started out planning to keep my heart out of it, but that sucker fell right in! lol.  I wrote candidly about that within my other posts as it was unfolding. I lost hope in his supposed good intentions after he blocked me for what ended up being a week. I then figured it must all be a game to him, and so I took steps to mentally and emotionally detach as much as possible to 'play' along. 

By 'play' I mostly mean, I tried to meet him where he was at..I never acted a certain way while we dated to indirectly try to get him to do something I wanted him to, but during part two of hoover 5- I did. When I wrote what I did in the post Pure Selfishness, I meant the things I said..but I figured if he came back around after I posted something so cocky and defiant, it would verify in my mind that I was definitely right to trust nothing and suspect everything. I felt like if he returned after I shared that, I could be more confident in knowing what he was actually up to. I egged him on in that post because I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him and spend time with him. I also wanted to kind of test my hypothesis, and make it out alive. I wanted to be sure of some things, and get some things..

Both of my hoover 5 writings are sincerely how I felt. The post Pure Selfishness is how I felt as well, but I was intentionally a bit more rude with the purpose of getting him to clap back. I was intentionally poking at him-Not the wisest thing to do to a man who has a lot of pent up aggression...but, part of me likes it. I was trying to get a response, because he had left again. Hey..if he allowed healthy communication and responded to my loving, honest vulnerability, I wouldn't have ever felt I had to 'play' his game to hang out with him and avoid getting mindf*cked!!  I own it though. I still made the choice on my own, and for my own reasons. He didn't make me do it, I could've just let him go and kept quiet..but I didn't wanna. I cannot lie, I don’t regret it. I wanted to see him, and I did. I'm not super proud of it, but I am tired. If I want to see the man, I am not going to lie about it to you or to him. He's fully aware. I've always enjoyed seeing him. Healthy, nope.. Reality, yup.. At least I know what's going on now, and at least I am ok. :) I can handle it. I plan to be just fine, no matter where he is or he isn't. 

Not having to think this way, and take such bizarre precautions would be nice, but in our impossible ‘relationship’ I chose to accept healthy communication is never possible with him. I chose to stop trying to get what I deserve out of the situation, and settle for what’s there..while simultaneously not settling for it either. lol I lowered all expectations to avoid disappointment. I chose to do whatever I wanted with my time. I get it, he’s drawn the line. He doesn’t deserve my time..but sometimes what he did to me makes me feel really unsettled until he’s next to me again.

D.B.'s Standard Rules for Me:

• Want nothing
      
• Ask for nothing
   
• Expect nothing
   
• Say nothing
   
• Be everything he wants, he asks for, he expects while appreciating and responding perfectly to all he says.  
   
• Wait for when he’s ready to talk
   
  
• Wait for when he is willing to commit,
  
  

My Own Rules Regarding D.B.: 

• EXPECT THE WORST (summarizes entire list-ha) 
   
• Don’t hope for more.
   
• Get ready to be ignored.   
   
• Remember it’ll be over soon.
   
• It’s ok to be rude back.
     
• Brace yourself for insults and lies.
   
• Be prepared to get confused.
    
• Give yourself a break- 
   
• It's ok to be positive, even when he's miserable.
   
  

• Reject any of your stubborn feelings just as hard as he‘s always rejected you.
   
• Never forget that he will leave.
   
• Have some fun, if it’s possible.