Laughing at Myself - Here We Go Again - Hot Mess Timeline - Petty, Pissy, & Proud! - Closing a Door - Well.. - He's Just Not That Into Me

Fears

Sometimes I get too scared and confused to trust myself. I’m constantly worried I'm making the wrong move or thinking the wrong thought. I wonder if I'm being too selfish and becoming a mean, unfair person.
   

Don't let my rants standing up for myself fool you, I still struggle to trust my ability to perceive much of anything. It goes back and forth. I’ll believe in myself..then I won’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

I used to be too trusting, but now I go into a panic whenever I start getting comfortable with someone. When I catch myself feeling certain of what's going on between myself and another person I try to find proof that I’m not mistaken. I want to know it’s safe. 
 

I get frightened because I wonder.. what if I'm wrong? What if I trust a person is decent and means me no harm.. but then they turn out to be malicious? What if not suspecting awful things gets me fooled again?

I don’t want to let my guard down and have my heart used against me. How the hell can I know what a person tells me is genuine? How can I know if the person is who they seem to be, or if it is all a false presentation?
 

Ever since 2020, my grasp on reality has become inconsistent. I'm afraid to trust I know what is and what isn't. 
 

What if I believe I know exactly who I am and where I stand with another person.. but then violently have all my beliefs erased as a horrific truth emerges and shows me none of what I cherished was real? 

It’s happened before.
 

What if I am stupid enough to let that happen to me again? How can I avoid getting destroyed without avoiding all the good too??
  

I couldn't take having everything ripped out from under me again. I don't have the same amount to hold onto right now because nobody has my heart, but I'm still afraid to allow myself to trust that another person won't intentionally break me apart when I least expect it.
 

I never want to believe in something as much as I believed in the lies D.B. told me. Loving someone that much opened my heart up to the most painful thing I've ever felt. I still have to cope with remnants of that pain whenever it resurfaces. I never want to relive it.
  

I don't want to think I know what's real just to be shown I don't know anything. My mind still hasn't healed from being blindsided and obliterated the time before.
 

I want to feel certain, but believing in good things is hard now. I believed in something good. I put everything I had into protecting, nurturing, and appreciating what I had because it was the most wonderful and worthwhile thing in the world to me. Then I found out it was never real.
  

It's hard to describe the anguish you feel the moment you realize someone you love used everything you entrusted them with against you. That moment when the person you gave everything turns their back on you like you’re nothing.
 

Well, it causes psychological trauma for a reason. Heartbreak is more than heartbreak when it kills a piece of you.
 

I never want to believe in a lie again, but how do I know what is or isn't true?
  

What if someone leaves after I get really used to them being around? 
  

What if I like someone and truly care about how they are, just to find out a release is all they ever wanted me for?
  

What if I accept what a person tells me, but it turns out to be nothing but lies designed to keep me where they want me?
  

What if I'm vulnerable with someone and they use it all against me to make me feel small instead of using it to know which parts of me to show the most compassion?
 

I sound paranoid...but not suspecting such cruel things is what allowed them to be done to me. I trusted my last partner, and now I don't trust anyone.
  

I want to build trust once I find someone who wants to build some with me too. Not sure how helpful keeping to myself is in regards to finding companionship. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

All my fears leave me lonely, and being this lonesome makes me sad. I want someone to talk to and to care for. I want to be accepted and feel safe. I want to be able to relax and know there's someone I can trust. I want to know someone cares about what's in my best interest just as much as I care about what's in theirs.
 

This person could be a friend, a partner, or a family member. I just want to have someone who actually cares about me on my side. 
 

I don't want to remain isolated, but people scare me. Can we all have like… badges or flashing signs above our heads so I can avoid unsafe and unkind people? Ha

Better Timeline

(February 2022 — June 2023)

February 2022:

I started my second semester. By happenstance I saw M. in the hall one day. We made eye contact but he doesn't smile or anything. I felt sad and foolish..

I grew a pair and sent him a message on Facebook within that same hour. I felt like the chemistry and potential had been there.. I hoped I hadn't imagined it. So..I went for it.

He responded to my message.. and we said maybe one or two things before he let the conversation die. I was bummed but proud of myself for putting myself out there.. even in ways some people may think are small.

March 13ish, 2022:

M. reached back out and said "OK. So when do you graduate?" My heart started racing and I practically squealed. I told my mom.. lol. I kept her posted about the crush thing since the start. She knew I was infatuated with and very curious about this man.

He and I talked that entire night.

During this talk we officially introduced ourselves. It was fun. He picked back and forth with me about taking me out for sushi and to experience more things because he was shocked with how much I hadn't allowed myself to live.

I asked him how long he'd been single and he said "Way too long." I asked how long, and he told me his whole life...followed by "I mean I've had girlfriends, but nothing very serious or for more than a few months." He also told me how he was a late bloomer because he'd wanted to be a monk as a teen and so on.

I let him know I was attracted to him.. He said he was attracted to me too. We joked around about how we'd decide if we could stand each other after our third date. He told me he liked me and hoped he hadn't scared me off already.

He fell asleep mid conversation, which was fine because it was late. Our talk did leave a cliffhanger about us meeting up and getting to know each other better. He didn't reach out the next morning to say he fell asleep. He didn't attempt to resume any conversation with me at all.

After five or six days of this unexpected nothingness I messaged him. His silence and lack of eagerness to speak with me after how we'd unveiled our interest in one another was baffling to me. There'd been months of build up. He'd said he was into me too and talked about us going on some dates or a few adventures together, so I expected we'd make plans and continue speaking.

Most people do talk to each other a lot when they are excited to meet someone they have romantic interest in.. I think?? But he went silent like the conversation never happened. He said he was interested then acted disinterested. I guess it's hard for me to feel safe with contradictions, and I'm really needing to feel safe right now.

When I approached him with the insecurity I felt he invalidated me. I found this more triggering because I believed he'd been reading my webpage (for good reason!) and knew more about me than he was claiming to.

I freaked out a bit. I was humiliated to be so easily spooked from 'stonewalling' due to how intensely my ex's stonewalling and gaslighting traumatized me. I felt like I already blew my chance and ruined everything. I felt guilty, confused, and problematic.

I apologized to M. I also explained my perspective and acknowledged how my issues don't excuse my sensitivity and intense reactions. I sent him a link to this webpage (even though I believed he'd been viewing it.)

He read my open and apologetic message that included a link to my webpage. He then fell silent for two weeks. I get it.

April 2, 2022:

He finally reached back out and said he was sorry for taking so long, but that I gave him a lot to process. Fair enough.

Then he went on to say he read some of my writings and listened to the audio recordings on my webpage... but that to him it seemed like my ex was only trying to make me happy, and that my whole website is about how I don't trust anyone.

Those invalidating words caused a stabbing pain. The rejection..The fantasy crush for all those months taking the side of a man who had scarred me in such a horrific manner.. It hurt.

M. ended his message by saying maybe we're both just too broken. Salt .. enter.. wounds..

Recovering from an abusive man who made me feel I was too much of a burden and not good enough to love... just to have a crush follow it up by reinforcing that even he thinks I'm too damaged to be worthwhile.

My heart guys. It was painful, humiliating shit. I responded politely while still standing up for myself.

I ended up writing two separate posts to relieve stress caused. They covered how the invalidation left me feeling, and also how I'd validate my own experience— Here We Go Again & I Didn't Do This to Myself

April 2022:

He went silent for the entirety of April and May. Not a single word. He ran from me. That's his right, but it hurt. 

My ex comforts me over the phone when I let him know what happened with the crush I’d told him about in December. Dean ends up offering friendship and saying he wants to earn my trust back or something because he still loves me. I don’t know how to feel because I don’t know if he or his words are real. It’s confusing. Regardless, his interest in real communication quickly fades by May.

May 2022:

I start trying to learn more about Complex
PTSD in an attempt to confront the symptoms my last relationship worsened and/or caused. I’m trying to heal and confront my pains as well as some of my unhealthy behaviors. I work on a CPTSD workbook with my therapist and share my answers as blog posts- Deep Dive, Understanding, My Avoidance Symptoms, My Invasive Symptoms

June 2022:

M came back and we patched things up. We bonded over some shared issues.

He said us dating was inevitable because he liked me. He said we needed to do this right and take it slow because he didn't want to be one of 'those guys.'

I started to feel hopeful and impressed with his thoughtful sentiments.

One night he invited me to come over and I was elated! Then he canceled after I'd gotten fixed up because he said if he started something with me right before he left for Vegas it would mess him up and be all he thought about. He said he didn't want to start us on a stutter or something like that..

I got confused about why he couldn't be involved with me while out of town.. Phones exist..ya know.. I shared how I felt about it.. He apologized and told me to come over that night. I got ready all over. I was pleased but incredibly nervous..

This was going to be the first time we got to be around each other in a setting outside of school.

I drove out to his place. It was dark. I felt weak in the knees and couldn't believe my daydreams were actually becoming a reality. YAY!

I was in his driveway and didn't know if I was at the right place or where I needed to park.. So I called him. He didn't answer. I texted and waited a moment. No answer..I called.. Nothing. I'd driven 20 minutes to get there, and then I drove another 20 back home.

It was triggering..but my issues aren't his fault.. So I didn't lash out or write him off.

The excitement of thinking I was going to get to spend time with him, followed by not being able to see him was pretty unpleasant..

But on top of that, fear kicked in because how could I know if he actually fell asleep or if he was intentionally messing with my confidence the way my ex had??? It's scary not to expect the worst.

This incident and the anxiety it caused pulled me back in time. I cried and lost sleep. My heart wouldn't slow down. I was tempted to shut down and throw my guard up..but I didn't. He apologized the next morning. I forgave him and tried to be fair.

But.. then he still tried to not see me before his trip..even after his painful blunder the night before. huh?

He hurt my feelings and let me down, and was about to do it again until the timing was best for him? I was so .. for lack of a better word- triggered.

I shared how I was feeling and he proceeded to compliment my 'guilt tripping skills'.. I said "Excuse Me?" His passive aggressive insult and accusation triggered me even more. I told him it wasn't nice or accurate to say I was trying to influence his feelings by sharing my own.

I just wanted to be heard and understood because how else could he get to know me?

If you care at all about someone..you should want to know how they feel and if you made them feel badly. Hell, even if it isn't your fault they're upset or they misunderstood...you're still supposed to care about their feelings enough to listen and/or compromise within reason. It's the decent and loving thing to do for ANYONE.. even a stranger. Anyway.

He apologized again.. which I appreciated and wasn't expecting.

Then for once I got my way. What?!?!? Maybe he is for real!

M. had me over at his place that night. It was June 29th. We watched shows, talked, laughed, and kissed for hours.

It was really nice to be held like that. Nobody has ever massaged my back, arms, and hands that way before.. or at all. It was very nice.

The attention from someone I wanted to give my undivided attention to was so lovely.

Naturally, I became hopeful and excited about starting something new with this guy.

He went out of town as expected.. but didn't say a word to me for a week. I didn't expect that.

It was incredibly (word of the day y'all!-) triggering.. When I shared my feelings he gaslighted hard, whether intentional or not. I felt embarrassed, stupid, selfish, and afraid I'd screwed everything up again.

M. forgave me for feeling..I guess. But then never tried to get to know me better or work up to entering the relationship he said he felt we were going to have and do right.

He never spent time with me or tried to be near me.. However, we stayed in touch and spoke a lot throughout most days for a few weeks. That was nice.

July - Early Aug. 2022:

Things were mended between us and it resumed feeling like it was building up to something. We were learning each other a little better.. Flirting often was fun too. I felt we were bonding the way people who regularly interact are meant to. Weeks full of him messaging me regularly. 

Late August 2022:

Then suddenly, he pulled away.

I felt unease. I tried to stop worrying. He kept talking to me less and less.. A week or two of one word, or no words at all.

I got confused because the communication was previously becoming great and consistent.

I let him know that I missed talking to him and that my days were more enjoyable when he was around.. I let myself be vulnerable. I let him know I wanted him..

Early September 2022:

I told M I needed to know where I stood with him because the back and forth had me confused. I asked if we were just friends, and said if so I would start letting go of the romantic feelings I had for him.

He responded by saying we were friends, but that we were also more than friends.. and that he didn't know exactly what that was.

That response sucked because I told him I needed clarity and to know what his intentions were in order to have some peace of mind...

His response gave me more questions and kept me on the hook..

I couldn't be upset with him if he never stepped up because he covered his ass by saying he wasn't sure.. So technically he never said we'd become an item..even if he heavily hinted at the possibility.

Seems like it could be a clever way to keep me as an option regardless of the hell it will be for me to be left hanging on for nothing. It's cruel and selfish. I deserved more than an unclear answer.

I had asked to know what we were and what he wanted because all his mixed signals were tearing me up. Too much anxiety. I wanted to know I wasn't wasting my time or developing feelings for someone who'd never have any for me…

I thanked him for his honesty because I couldn't think beyond that at the time. I tried to go back to chatting with him like normal. He casually dismissed the more meaningful discussion, said a few nice things, and later gave me a movie recommendation- Multiplicity. I watched it and tried to shoot the shit with him.

He turned cold, and a few days later he stopped talking to be altogether.. Our last time chatting was September 2nd or 3rd. But several days leading up to that point he'd become disengaged and dismissive.

October 2022:

After 3–4 weeks of him no longer speaking with me I rebounded and saw my ex… He had moved to Dallas so I was surprised he came to see me. I ran from the pain of that 'inevitable relationship' and those 'dates' never happening with M. 

I became scared and worried that I was no good. I felt like I ruined everything and that I must've been why M. stopped talking to me.

I started to think I was too much or too little and that's why nothing ever progressed with M.. I got scared to choose which way to go. I didn't trust myself again..

I spiraled down and confided more in my ex. My brain never knows what's real with him. I felt ashamed of myself.

I missed my friend. I really liked and cared for my 'more than a friend' friend. I realized I'd self destructed. 

I felt panicked and totally alone. I struggled to settle down. I was so overwhelmed that the center of my chest felt like it was carrying immeasurable weight. Dean was shutting me out and acting the way he used to.. I knew I’d fucked up. 

October 18, 2022:

No contact with my ex resumed.

I couldn't stop thinking about how much I did wrong, and how stupid and careless I'd been with my choices. I thought about how pathetic I must be to have relied on my ex to numb me to things I should've been able to handle on my own.

Self-hatred.. terror...and hopelessness took over my head. I began to lose touch with what was real and who I am. I started experiencing persistent suicidal ideation.

Although M. stopped communicating with me throughout September.. and I had done something very stupid that put my mental health in peril.. M. had told me he was my friend..and I really needed a friend.

I needed help.

I reached out to M. I was scared, hurting, and drastically more unsteady. Something was happening to me. It reminded me of the nervous breakdown I had after the maim discard.

I was sucked back in time to that ridiculous day in 2020– I was there, overtaken by the indescribable sensations I'd felt the moment everything had hit me at once. The sudden shift backwards was disorienting and absolutely horrifying.

I'd been triggered in the worst way, and I'd done it to myself by making stupid, unhealthy choices.. Like opening up so much in the first place, as well as unblocking my ex the first time M. vanished. I shouldn't have done that.

Someone being kind to me and talking with me would have helped tremendously, but there was nobody there. I started to wonder if nobody was there because I don't deserve anyone.

I pushed pride aside and asked M. if he could talk.. I was ready to tell him everything toxic I'd done and how lost I was feeling. I was starving for kindness.

I hoped that he was still my friend even if me wanting to date him scared him away. Sadly, he didn't respond.

I was back in No Contact with my ex, and the friend I wanted so badly chose to cut off all contact from me. He ignored my cry for help.

I got through that difficult period of time so well that I gained 20 lbs and avoided registering for the upcoming spring semester. I felt too embarrassed, sad, and unsure of myself. I'd reverted back to broken.. It's easy to get stuck there.

Oct. 2022 —Jan. 2023:

I spent these months with nobody to talk to. I'm nobody's problem or responsibility, but that didn't make the isolation and unexpected rejection any less excruciating.

I'd be there for anyone, but my more than friend wouldn't be there for me. That hurt and felt familiar enough to..you guessed it.. trigger me further. I'm tired of being so easily triggered just because I liked a man.

I ended up writing out my frustrations shortly before M. returned right here— Petty, Pissy, & Proud!

January 31, 2023:

M. pops back up after ghosting me since September 2022. The first message he sent after returning was was "How much do you hate me?"

I told him I didn't because I really don't. I hate what he does sometimes, but I appreciate and admire him as a person.

I was very happy and relieved to hear from him. It was like a taste of the big hug I'd been desperately needing

He let me know there were no excuses for what he'd done.. then went on to say he hated how I unsent messages and that I hadn't reached out either... but I had.

So basically..he comes back with a weak apology. I call it weak because he still shifted blame for how he hurt me onto me...which added more hurt to the hurt he'd already caused.

I didn't deserve to be discarded and stonewalled for months just because I cared and put down a boundary when I told him I required clarity.

No matter what little bit of maddening lameness he dished out, I was still happy he was back because he dished out a lot more that wasn't lame at all. I saw more and appreciated the good.

February—March 2023:

By February 1st the flirting was intense. He was also talking about how he liked me but wasn't ready for a relationship.. He said we could spend time together once summer started because he'd have more free time, and then see where it goes from there.

We talked A LOT all of February and March. I adored it too!

Once again.. a lot of him saying "Good morning" "How's your day going" "What are you up to?" Blah blah blah. The stuff I like. Us talking in the morning, throughout the day, and late in the evening before bed.

I started to feel important and like he might actually want what he said he wanted. He let me know he liked me. We started flirting and making plans for whenever we were going to see each other in a more intimate setting.

He sometimes scoffed at my enthusiasm after he hyped me up. I corrected him/stood up for myself when he was insensitive.

He was often kind and seemed to be trying to approach things in a healthier way. I was trying to do better with my weaknesses too. I got hopeful..and excited.. but then it happened again.

He warned me this time. He was going out of town for a week..which for some reason meant the last thing he wanted to do was continue treating me like I existed and was a part of his life.

April 2023:

Things shifted.

Even though for the last two months we'd been talking about what we were eating, doing, thinking all throughout each day..he suddenly was no longer there. He became unavailable and uninterested in me or how I experience life.

I went from seeing his name pop up each morning, to seeing nothing for days and having to be the one to reach out each time. Not only that.. I started feeling sad and confused.

I tried to discuss my confusion and hurt, he shut me down. He told me I was acting like the world was falling apart. That he was simply busy and I should only start conversations with questions if he hasn't said anything to me for a week.

Basically..he implied I was being ridiculous by wanting to talk about our interpersonal relationship. I was overreacting by feeling things he's uncomfortable with.

He acted like there was nothing worth talking about because he said so and didn't see any problem from his perspective.. But what the hell about mine!??

My point of view counts too! It's just as real, and so are my feelings.

He automatically treated me like I could have no valid concern or anything of value to say.

I tried to defend myself. I asked him not to invalidate my emotions or tell me when I'm allowed to speak my mind.

I felt brushed off and like I was just shamed for needing to discuss something that mattered to me simply because he was too chicken to let me or my feelings matter to him.

He fussed and blocked conversation when I wanted to have one. Gaslighting is a bitch...no matter how kindly the redirects are worded or how innocent the lies may seem.

I started to feel guilty and insane. I apologized and took on all the blame he shifted in small ways.. You know.. the type that eventually it builds up and provokes me to defend myself. I asked him to stop.

My concerns faded after that conflict because he started to share and check in with me more often.

May 2023:

He suddenly pulled away again. He seemingly ceased talking to me altogether right as my 

nerves had begun to settle. I became lost and afraid.

I sought out comfort from Dean who moved back to town and was now living in an apartment right down the road from my place of work, but within a few days D.B. lashed out at me when I offered him support after his mom was taken to the hospital. He threw me away. It hurt and left me more confused.

M started to be kind and speak with me again. I was relieved M hadn't fully ghosted me the way I feared he had. I thought he had because he'd been acting exactly how he did right before ghosting me back in September 2022.

I'm relieved until he soon goes on to say how hot and bothered some stranger in this new class has been getting him.

What..the..hell..is..wrong..with.. you..?????????!!!!???? 🥺

I stand up for myself..then I cry. I call. I leave a message expressing why him sharing something like that hurt and how his behavior is confusing me. (He also said he didn't want to go on a date with anyone… When I've literally been wishing for nearly two years that he'd take me out and court me like a gentleman 😭)

He apologized..but not without a subtle guilt trip.. He did wrong. He hurt me. He was a selfish jerk..but I feel bad about it. He says he told me he is a mess and has issues..but I must have not taken him seriously or believed how bad they are.

He goes on to speak as though he's been victimized by the situation he created.. a situation that pained me. He says how people say they understand he has issues and care until he has a bad day. Like people just bail on him or hate him the minute he screws up.—

OH!.. I'm sorry that you talking to the girl you've been leading on and taking for granted for over a year about how you're lusting uncontrollably after someone in class is just you 'having a bad day.' No.

I can roll with someone having bad days and issues… We all struggle..even if some do it differently than others. I won't abandon or hate someone for being imperfect or troubled! But being troubled doesn't excuse treating me like garbage.

He has underlying issues and is suffering a lot..so it's ok and doesn't count if his careless actions cause misery for anyone else. My pain doesn't count because his shitty actions weren't his fault… NO. NO. NO.

Wrong is wrong.

Having a rough time or a disorder of the mind doesn't make being cruel to others acceptable or less damaging.

M. hurt my feelings.. stressed me the hell out..but then I apologized to him, offered support, and felt like I needed to do more for him. WTF? Guess he's owed that but I'm not owed his time or respect. Ouch!!!!! 

He remained more distant than he was February-March.. but he was still around. I was glad, yet sad to feel like I was being shelved. I reached out and asked about it towards the end of the month, but he said he'd been super busy with life and work. We spoke less, but still flirted when we did.

Whenever I'd start to disconnect because he disconnected from me, he'd then reach back out and flirt with me like he hadn't been distant.

He leaves me in the dark on pause for days just to show back up talking to me as though his impossible to anticipate absences haven't had me miserable, stressed, and insecure the entire time.

Anyway.. Things were going..ok. I've been pretty miserable waiting to feel wanted back..but ya know. I don't want him to go away and I enjoy whenever he does deem me interesting enough to talk to. I'm wondering why I care or get upset because at least he's still around.. even if barely. I'm lonely.

He was there a lot and I was happy..but after April he lost interest..yet shows it and claims to have it sometimes? I throw up my walls. Or try to.

I find happiness in other areas of my life I need to work on. But from time to time he'll pop up in my inbox talking like it's February and March still..just to then fall silent yet again! :(

My emotions getting pulled to the left as soon as I settle to the right.

Around and around..back and forth. So I start to give up. It's whatever. Hello May..let's watch another man devalue you. Yay...

June 2023:

Oh look he's talking more. I get hopeful. Those feelings of interest and care return..

I'm starting to get more comfortable, but then a week of silence goes by. Not a single word. Oh dammit. I give up. I’m so tired of feeling rejected.

I'm done. I deserve better. Look at me being strong! I write stuff..I feel empowered. I can see more clearly. I know what this mess I'm dabbling in is.

Then after a week ignoring me he reaches out. I'm relieved.. I still care. I may be confused and hurt, but I'm relieved to be spoken to again. I missed him!

We started talk more. I shared feelings despite the consequences I've faced for doing so in the past.

We even made plans! Finally!

Him wanting to see me badly enough to actually make plans made me feel I could finally stop worrying— because it would decrease the cognitive dissonance all his back and forth had left me trying to sort through since our start in 2022.

Yay for the clarity and good time I thought was approaching! Yay for quality time with M. I was nervous in a positive way now!

I got pretty.. he started backing out. I stood up for myself. He confirmed the plans and started asking about getting ready/shaving/getting himself cleaned up.

I told him I'd be there by a certain time.. I got dressed and packed up some things I'd gotten for him.. I stopped before walking out my door to ask if his house was hot and I needed to pull my hair up..

AND GUESS WHAT!??

He had supposedly left his house because friends dropped by, within the half hour it took me to get ready, and forced him to go out. He blew me off for what feels like the bajillionth time!

He apologized and made excuses.. But later apologized more honestly.. which I really appreciated.

Then we kept talking a decent amount. Until.. right after I told him something very kind that expressed support, appreciation, and genuine care for him as person.

Poor guy. Must suck to have someone who actually wants you around and cares about your well-being. I'd hate it.. Oh wait 🤦🏻‍♀️ that's all I want!

Then he asked me later that night what I was going to be doing the next morning.. He hinted at us seeing each other.. But when morning came he ignored me and made excuses when I confronted him. Something was off.. he was being rude and extra distant.

Instead of apologizing for ignoring me he blamed Facebook and fussed saying he used to have a girlfriend that got upset when he would open her messages but not reply too. I'm sorry..but Facebook inaccurately displaying when you are online doesn't make it impossible for you to text or message me.. Which means you chose to ignore me all on your own… and me being hurt by that is valid. My feelings matter. I'm tired of excuses, avoidance, and inconsideration.

I ended up writing this in June to sort through my confusion, hurt, and absurd levels of stress— Reality Check

July 2023:

He mentioned a controlling ex he couldn't wait to be rid of. He kept saying he hoped he'd be free of her soon so things could get back to normal. He said he and I would be able to hang out once it was over with. We remained in touch, but flirted slightly less.

August 2023:

By the second week of August- He was heartbroken and saying he'd been saving up money for an engagement ring for the ex he'd apparently been dating all summer? Oh, and was seeing her late summer/fall 2022 when he ghosted me then as well after saying he liked me, us dating was inevitable, and we made out at his place. BUT apparently I had no valid reason to be hurt.

……….He wasn't ready for a real relationship with anyone—yet he was ready to get married!??

That whole fiasco is available here— Closing a Door

September-October 2023:

We were mending our friendship and still flirted on occasion. We discussed liking each other but needing time.

November 2023:

In early November he invites me over after work. We'd been flirting a lot leading up to it. I showed up, we hung out. He had cooked chicken and stuff. It was good. We didn't kiss or anything.

The past had me insecure and afraid to trust my ability to know what was really going on..but I tried to remain calm and just wait to see what unfolds.

A couple weeks later he goes out of town and it is Thanksgiving break. He falls silent after talking about his ex, wanting to move, and being depressed. Which was ok..but at the same time I was terrified because in August I'd learned that the last two times he'd ghosted me he was dating his ex..and I didn't want to get abruptly ghosted or deceived again.

I became increasingly afraid..He wasn't talking but my mind was running wild in a panic. I tried to shut it off. I really tried And then THIS happened- I freaked out and spiraled. I even contacted his ex.

That story is available here— He's Just Not That Into Me

December 2023—December 2024:

Everything was pretty dang great. I was trying to build up trust with him again and enjoy the friendship. The flirting we did confused me sometimes because a part of me wanted more still..and sometimes he would express wanting more but just not being ready yet.

There was some confusion and tension, but overall it was a great year and I really appreciated having him around. He's taught me so much and I admire many of his strengths. I enjoy hearing about his days. I enjoy that I have been lucky enough to interact with a man willing to improve his communication skills and whatnot.

His efforts do not go unnoticed. His ability to try that hard inspires me to work on my weak spots too. I care about my friend M. The messy things that have happened earlier in our friendship don't take away from all the wonderful parts of it.

My romantic feelings go back and forth..but for some reason I feel like we are getting closer and that maybe one day what he said he wanted to pursue with me wayyy back in June 2022 will finally happen. Ya know.. I don't know.

January 2025:

I let him know how I feel. I put myself out there with him AGAIN. I make it clear I like him and want him.

In my head I know I want to spend time with him, get closer to him, and see if we can work up to building a meaningful relationship together one day. I'm shot down, even though he says he isn't rejecting me.

He says as soon as my back is better he really wants to see me.. Then the very next day after I tell him I want and like him, he starts talking about his ex again. He hadn't talked about her in a long time, but right after I put myself out there/ let him know I had feelings for him I'm having her and the memories of last year unintentionally thrown in my face. But ok. He can't help what he struggles with..but damn. Ouch.

February 2025:

Then not too long after I divulged I wanted a shot with him and liked him... it was time for Valentine's day.

He knew I liked him, but this holiday was hard for him. I know he can't help that..and I want to be there for him. I really do care about what he is going through.. BUT the things he chose to tell me made it to where my Valentine's Day was me being reminded that the man I wish wanted me back is still hung up on the woman he chose over me multiple times. Ouchers..

And he mentioned how two years ago on Valentine's Day he brought her flowers..and my mind automatically was like "Wait, what??" I scrolled back up to our conversations from that timeframe because I started doubting myself.. but I was right.

He said the last time they were together, together was on February 2023 and he brought her flowers. He had returned from ghosting me on Jan. 31st 2023 and we were having sexually explicit conversations and he mentioned liking me all within the first 24-48 hours of him being back in communication with me. Nobody has ever bought me flowers, but whatever.

We were flirting and talking ALLLLLLLLLLL of February 2023.. Including the first 14 days of it. I put my heart on the line and told him exactly what I felt and wanted.. but he was out buying some other chick flowers and possibly even still in a relationship?? ouch, OUCH. OUCH. OUCH. OUCH.

If he was dating his ex the whole entire time we were talking 2022-2023 and that's why we never saw each other.. then I wish he'd just confess the truth to give me clarity. It's not like I wouldn't forgive him.

So anyway, I really don't think M meant to, but he sorta ruined my Valentine's Day this year. First by talking about his ex, and then by reminding me how badly he played me the first year+ of our friendship/flirtathon.

I love that he shares more things with me now, but it seemed like an insensitive thing to discuss on Valentine's Day with the girl you KNOW likes you. It left me no choice but to remember and re-feel the painful emotions attached to the big rejection and unexpected hurt from last year. Then on top of that, I was sad for him too. Lame day…

He messages me late one night saying he wants to email his ex. I finally let him know she has moved on and has a baby with her new partner. He is hurt but starts trying to really move on.

A couple days later he even sends a picture of personalized art/gifts from her that he is throwing away. I tell him I'll throw away a bobble head Dean gave me in solidarity. I have a backpack in the top of my closet full of my love letters and a few other things from that relationship. Things seem ok but a little distant since then. I wish that we were closer by now.

March 2025:

I'm currently trying to get over all my romantic feelings, but not at the same time. I was trying to close that door again but..a big part of me doesn't want to. I still have feelings. As soon as I decided to let it go again, he said sweet things and that he still wanted me to go over as soon as my back got better.

My back finally stopped hurting and I let him know..but now he is too busy. I mean that, I'm not being sarcastic. He is very busy..and I'm over here trying not to think about it but still thinking about it and feeling like a massive dumbass.

I told him my back was better and made it clear I was ready to go over and he just laughed it off and never made plans with me. But that's ok. This thing has been a mess. I'm not great at moving on from this dude. Who knows..maybe he has been dating another ex girlfriend or coworker this entire time and I've just been too clueless to know. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Ha.. It's happened before.

I really need to do some more self-reflection on why I haven't 100% ruled him out as a potential romantic partner yet..even after saying I was going to or had done so. I'm sure I will eventually if this pattern of him being too asinine to try for me, go for me, and actually want me continues on a little longer. :P

He is my friend. But just as I wrote in my posts this January and February, when romantic interest gets involved it gets really overwhelming, scary, sad, and triggering. It shouldn't be so hard. Maybe? I can be so..stupid, stubborn, and in denial. Ha

My Role & Errors

Oh.. lord. Where do I begin? 😬🤦🏻‍♀️ I feel like I'm getting too narcissistic now. I'll start with the stuff in that timeline…
 

My aggressive focus on his missteps instead of on the fact that I have willingly hung around feeling anxious, hurt, and rejected for over a year. Why?
  

That doesn’t mean I didn’t do wrong too or that I don’t want to be his friend, but if how things were going hurt me that much why didn’t I try to change our dymanic or leave the situation???
  

THAT’S what I need to address.. because my choices are all I have control over… and the reasons behind some of them are concerning.
 

The moment M. told me he wasn’t sure marriage or a real relationship was right for him.. why the hell didn’t I close the door to romantic possibilities right then and there!?
 

I could’ve chosen to strictly be his friend instead of waiting around for him to decide whether or not he wanted more. If he doesn’t want me badly enough to act upon it then I should’ve acted by taking myself off the table as an option. Why didn’t I? 
  

Why didn’t I say “Oh, you aren’t sure? You’re too busy? You’re too embarrassed? Don’t be, because your indecision and lack of passion for me doesn’t meet MY standards.” 
 

I deserve to be wanted, appreciated, and prioritized. So why have I been sitting around crying because someone is failing to see that? It’s not like someone else’s poor vision is my problem or an accurate reflection of who I am.
 

Him having no desire to ever commit to loving someone doesn’t make him a horrible person, it just makes him not compatible enough to be MY person.. because I am designed to give an abundance of love. Keeping it all to myself feels..painful because it’s going to waste. 
  

If he doesn’t value or want authentic love then why..why..why have I been waiting around hoping for him to finally let me in to figure him out? 
 

Sure..he’s gone back and forth and said things that have given me hope that we could evolve.. but we haven’t. Nothing has happened.. So I need to accept the reality that he simply doesn’t want a deeper connection with me. He has the right to not want what I do. 
 

So.. sure, he’s screwed up. So have I. But.. I could’ve always raised my standards and self respect enough to not settle for being treated certain ways.. But instead I chose waiting with my fingers crossed while letting my heart get kicked around in slow motion. hah. 
 

I could’ve shut it down.. I could’ve been his friend and let go of what I’d hoped would happen. I was aching for more care than platonic friendship with him, but maybe a lack of love is for the best. He deserves to live however he wants to, and I deserve to find what I long for. 
 

If M. wants to live his life solo then he should do so. Just maybe without leading anyone on ;).. but yeah. I hopped right back into an unhealthy loop with someone I wasn’t even dating. lol. Thats how talented I am! 🤦🏻‍♀️ haha I’m just picking on myself. I can admit I’ve been a needy jackass barking up the wrong tree.. and been a sweet one with good intentions too ☺️
 
Some of the stuff over the past year or so has been unfair. But.. I felt it. I suspected things. Yet I ignored myself because I doubted myself. I have to stop doing that shit.
  

The Hoovers..

Time to address me unblocking or reaching out to the ex a couple times over the past year + when M. would reject me/ disappear..
 

Well, that was fucking stupid. No excuse. Nothing justifies my poor choice. But I’m glad it didn’t wrong anyone but myself. 
  

—It wasn’t unfair to D.B. because I was transparent with him. When I first unblocked D.B. after M. dismissed me in March 2022 I told him exactly why I was talking to him. He knew about M. He knew how hurt I was to be rejected and ghosted. He knew I wanted M. He’d known that since our previous hoover in January when I told him how sad I was M. hadn’t made a move yet. ha. Such a frickn weird situation…confiding in the person who nearly destroyed me. Super healthy………☠️ Anyway—He knew I only called because I was sad. He even knew that M. took his side over mine after viewing my webpage. I didn’t call D.B. to resume a relationship or hook up, I called him because I was hurt and desperate to have someone to talk to other than an AI app!  I apologized to D.B. because I didn’t feel right ‘using’ him like that, but he laughed and said he didn’t care and that it was the least he could do.. or something like that? Possibly because he knew seeming selfless would rub me the right way. I don’t know. It progressed from there.
 

—It wasn’t unfair to M. because he discarded me. He had no loyalty towards me. Thus, I didn’t owe the ghost he became my loyalty either. He stonewalled/ghosted me for months. I didn't want a damn triangle or to move backwards. I only wanted M. Then when he was gone I just wanted to stop feeling so sad and alone. He’d abruptly left me behind after acting like we had a connection. That doesn’t mean I didn’t make the toxic choice to break No Contact with Dean on my own. I totally did. I’m fully responsible for that shitshow.. I’m just saying I don’t owe M. an explanation. I don’t deserve to feel guilty for it, yet I still do. How annoying. I feel like I cheated on M. but he wasn’t my boyfriend by a long shot! What the hell is up with that? Maybe because I still liked him the whole time so it felt gross talking to D.B. I don’t know. M. literally cut off all communication with me for months..yet I still feel guilty for communicating with another man during that time. I’m a hot mess. Whatever.
 

—It was unfair to myself. It was a toxic ass response to the situation. I should’ve known better. I was weak and seeking comfort. I was an idiot. I was codependent doing like, a No Contact relapse. lol I gave into whatever made coping easier for me at the time knowing full well it’d make it more difficult and painful later on. Oooo look at me picking up narcissistic traits 🤦🏻‍♀️ . Dear God have mercy. Yeah. Like a junkie trying to stop feeling. Once more.. It was a stupid, destructive, selfish, impulsive, and totally avoidable choice. I made it anyway. I did that wrong. No amount of pain I felt at the time makes it any more right. I have the power to choose, and I chose poorly. I’ve payed for it. Hoovers are always triggering.. so I had to face the hellish consequence of reliving the pain of July 8, 2020 all over again. That’s what I think I deserved for being such a needy baby, and that’s precisely what I got. It’ll be ok though. 

Laughing at Myself (10/2021)
Here We Go Again (4/2022)
Hot Mess Timeline (9/2022)
Petty, Pissy, & Proud! (1/2023)
Closing a Door (8/2023)
Well.. (8/2023)
He's Just Not That Into Me (11/2023)