Sections:

• My Friend
• I Spoke Up

• Lapse in No-Contact

My Friend

I wrote my thoughts in real time.. so they are sort of all over the place —
 

Yes, same friend/former crush M. 

Things have been awesome in our friendship.. no painful stuff dragging out. It’s been a good year.
 

For the last several months I’ve been recovering from a serious back injury and immune system issues. M. has made it clear he really wants me to go to his place as soon as I can drive again. I want to spend time with him too! Definitely. 
  

Recently, now that I’m almost fully healed, the idea of going over got more real. So I do what I do, I divulged my feelings and fear of inadequacy. Instead of reassuring me he starts joking with me about making him a dating profile.
 

I never said I was no longer interested in spending time with him- I only expressed my fears.. I never said I didn’t want him. He confirmed my fears by then telling me he was trying to decide what dating app to use. OUCH. 

He knows I like him. I have told him. I’m sorry that him saying he wanted me to go over, being my friend, and also flirting a lot made me think he was interested in me as more than just a potential piece of ass or damn rebound.
 

It hurt, but I only cried a little. However in the early morning hours the hurt feelings started to gnaw at me. I had let him know I was scared he didn’t want me or that my body wouldn’t be enough for him… He hadn’t denied it.
 

He even said he was going to look for someone else online. By saying he would get on dating sites he confirmed he does not want me. That I’m not enough for him. That he was just going to settle for me for ease of access or something? Like I’m an object of convenience? Of course that hurt. Nothing new within our dynamic though. I’m not mad at him.. he just confuses me.
 

Sometimes I’m very happy to be just friends for weeks or months and I start to move on from my romantic interest in him… but then he and I start flirting and the feelings return.. for me at least. 

So I reached out to my ex for comfort after, instead of reassuring me he wanted me, M said he’d simply find someone else to sleep with.. Like that’s all he wanted. Damn.. :(  He knows my history too. sigh  
 

I texted my ex something like the following: 
 

‘ Hey. You there?’

‘Oh. Still blocked. That's ok. I'll write to a pretend you.

Hi Dean. I'm laying in bed thinking about the last 5 years of my life. I don't know how it has gone by the way it has.

I hope you're doing alright. I try not to think about the past too much, but some things are hard to forget. 

I'm lonely. I'm scared to try to get to know new men. I'm worried they'll trick, use, and throw me away. I'm just so tired.

I bet you aren't scared. That's a good thing. I'm jealous. I'm jealous of a few traits you have.

I wonder if you have met someone new. I'd be happy to know that you are happy. I really hope you're doing alright.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I dont know. I wanted to say hi. But you didn't want to hear from me. That's fair.

Insomnia blows.’
 

I saw the first message wasn’t delivered so I know I’m blocked. It’s for the best. But yeah. Apparently my unreciprocated feelings for M and his ease with trading me out for a stranger triggered some pain from other times I’ve been rejected and not considered. 
 

I messaged M. letting him know maybe I should try the apps again too and that I impulsively tried to reach my ex. I poked fun at myself. 

 
THE NEXT DAY WAS WORSE- Especially for him. Poor baby. :( 
 

I’m worried about M. He lets me know his day is off to a depressing start. I love M. Not in love, but I do love him and obviously still have some romantic feelings to let go of. 
 

He then says he wants to maybe move away and that he keeps thinking about his ex Jenny. My heart.. it hurt for him. I don’t want him to go either.. but I’d prefer he do whatever is best for him in the end.
 

Of course it stung for me to hear that woman is still the one who has his heart, but I’m more hurt for him. I know what that is like. I know how badly heartbreak can eat away at you, and how long it takes to heal enough for you to move on. 
 

Things from last year would’ve been different if M had been honest about what he was going through..but I’m not rehashing that.. I discuss it in a few places like here- Closing a Door
 

But yes, I know he is hurting over it and struggling to let go of the love they shared. To move on one must go through the entire grieving process.. He hasn’t. Can relate!
 

He said maybe at his age he could no longer get over people.. but I don't think that is it.
 

He has never accepted that she is gone and that they are truly over. That’s how it seems. I can understand that. My relationship with my ex lingered for years too. Hell I texted D.B. as soon as I believed M would never want me for real. That his sex drive takes priority and he doesn’t take me seriously as a potential partner.
 

M had an on-and-off relationship with his ex and she didn't provide him with closure. I understand how much that hurts and can get why it is torturing him still. The thing is.. I KNOW she is gone for good. But, I don’t think he does. They are permanently ‘off’
 

I am so confident that she is done because I happen to know she has been in a serious relationship for like a year and just gave birth to a baby with her new man. She’s moved on. There will be no more back and forth. It is over. M and his ex will not have another shot no matter what he does. She’s over the past. He was always more than enough and worth standing by, they just weren’t right together. That’s why it ended.
 

I feel like if he knew that she is NEVER going to be with him again he’d be able to finally reach the acceptance phase necessary to heal and move on with his life. Heck, once I can fully accept nothing will ever happen with M. I will be able to move on too.. I’m trying. I’m attached to him. He matters to me. I don’t know..
 

He deserves to find his person. It apparently isn’t me, but I care about him and I want him to be happy.
 

I want him to have a chance and to not stay stuck idealizing an old relationship that was never healthy and that is DONE. It’s over. There is no more hope for another toxic reconciliation. She is over him and living her own life. He deserves to do the same. 
 

I haven’t mentioned this to him. I don’t know if he knows she just had a baby and is 100% moved on.. If he knows and still can’t accept it I don’t know.. I don’t know. 

I hate him hurting. Love is a big deal.. it can take a long time for it to shift to indifference or a different type of care.. but it will inevitably happen if he can accept that their relationship is over and she doesn't love him the way he loved/loves her. Not because he isn’t lovable.. Some pieces just don’t go together. She wasn’t his person. She was an experience and life lesson. 

Anyway.. I don’t think he knows she is in a serious relationship and has a new baby. I want to tell him, but I don’t want to crush him. I’m conflicted. Is it even my place? What if he does know? 
 

I want him to be able to accept she isn’t coming back and that he needs to work on healing so he can have a chance to find a healthy relationship in the future. Or to simply have a healthier future even if he wants to stay alone.
 

Another thing.. a more ME-focused thing

He said maybe if I’d go to his place and hang out with him more he’d be able to move on.. but I’m not a tool to move on.. That’s something he has to do on his own.
 

I deserve better than to be a rebound. I’m not to be made use of. I am just as worthy of love and respect as his damn ex was.. Just because he doesn’t love, want, or appreciate me doesn’t mean someone else never will. I deserve to not be reduced to a consolation prize.
 

Why would M want me to have to settle for less than the care I deserve?
 

Does he care about what is best for me?

I feel like he usually does, but when it comes to potential relationship stuff he goes full-blown vulnerable narcissist. Ok, maybe not full blown.. but yes. His defenses are as obvious to me as my own. I empathize with them, but I just want him to see and be a little more sensitive towards me.
 

If he decides he wants me, he needs to finish letting his ex go first.. You don’t need to find a replacement woman in order to get over the wrong one. If so.. you aint ready for the kind of care I deserve. 
 

It’s natural to want that.. I want and wanted it too.. But because I love M AND myself, I don’t want to start anything romantic with him until we’re able to get to a healthier place/starting point. I don’t want another toxic and traumatizing experience with a romantic partner. 
 

He is my friend. I adore him and think he is wonderful and deserves the best.. but so do I. 
 

I deserve to be seen. He doesn’t see me sometimes. If he did he’d want me for me instead of for the fleeting gratification he is overly focused on. 
 

I want a real relationship. If he will never step up, then he needs to stay strictly a friend. We can’t flirt. I need consistency..not confusion and a game of emotional hot potato. 
 

He wants to fool around. We haven’t. We are both adults.. I’m not shaming him for having a sex drive. Boyyy.. I have one too! BUT what I want and need is something real and that will add meaning to my life.. Something that matters more than sex. Sex is great, but I’m so much more than my body and what it can do for his. I have so much more of higher value to offer.
 

I’d be much happier and fulfilled by being mentally/emotionally close to someone.. to be considered, appreciated, wanted, and so on… not just utilized. Sex is a huge plus.. and it is way better when it is with someone you care about and feel safe with.. when it isn’t just making use of someone.
 

Does he think he won’t still feel empty and unhappy after getting off? If he wants better then do better. Aim higher.. Recognize my full worth or stay a friend so I don’t have to say goodbye when I meet the right man. 
 

If he and I ever sleep together .. once I meet my actual person I’d have to tell M goodbye because I’m not toxic enough to keep exes or people I’ve been involved with around to taint my relationship. 
 

A partnership is supposed to take priority and be the closest person to you in the entire world.. If you keep ex partners around like they are necessary and not damaging any future relationship.. it’s not healthy. You shouldn’t need 8285930203 people around once you are full grown. Let the past lovers go! ha
 

A relationship takes work, time, selflessness.. The more outsiders you pour yourself into the less you’ll have left over for the relationship/person that should be your top priorty. No thank you. 
 

If I would’ve dated M and he became friends with his ex Jenny again, I’d have ended the relationship so fast. It would’ve broken my heart, but I’m not going to be with anyone who prioritizes keeping old flames around over what’s best for me and us. 

Just like if I found out he was flirting with people on his phone.. That’s emotional cheating. It’s cheating. It’s disloyalty and a betrayal. It’s selfish and harmful. No thank you. 

If he’d rather hold onto old loves instead of giving his ALL to a new and potentially life long love that’s actually good for his well-being.. well then that would be the only reason he’d die alone. His refusal to let someone all the way in. A refusal to genuinely love someone selflessly and give her his best. The same way he deserves to be loved back.

Where was I going with this?
  

Oh yeah.. I’m worried about my friend. I’m also conflicted with some of the feelings I have for him. But I also know I shouldn’t have to settle for being a fuck buddy.. 
 

A man should realize my worth.. put effort in.. ask me on dates.. not prioritize getting in my pants.. Have self control.. be loyal.. be real.. or just be a friend that stops confusing me with mixed signals.
  

I know my worth.. I may want company and stuff.. but I don’t know.. I am kind of insulted he wants me to just hang out at his place and fool around.. like I’m not worth really pursuing, impressing, respecting. Screw that.
 

I love my friend. I don’t think he is being malicious. I just don’t think he gets it.. I don’t think he realizes that being treated certain ways hurts. Hurting is no excuse to use someone you know adores you and would never merely utilize you.
 

I want consideration dammit! ha.
 

He knows I’ve never been taken on a legitimate date, felt truly loved, or dated a non abusive partner.. and he still is totally cool with my next experience with a man to be a casual fuck buddy.. or a rebound for the woman he lied to me about for a year+ straight? Come on man.. 🥺
 

That’s ok. I can work with that as a friend..He is a wonderful friend with so many good traits that mean the world to me— but when it comes to romanctic possibilities with him.. he’s kind of shooting himself in the foot with his lack of effort and inability to let go of the ex he chose over me multiple times. 
 

He doesn’t deserve the heartache.. It is hard to see.. He’s had me in his corner adoring him, cheering him on, wanting him since early 2022.. but all he sees is her or his lust over crap that I know is just a big distraction. I know he can’t help it.. but maybe if he accepts she is gone he can one day choose somebody else.
 

Once again.. it is hard to see. He told me last August "I chose her over you". Yes, he did. And now she has made a family with someone else. Literally. She is gone, has a brand new baby with the man she’s living with and will likely marry.
  

That’s who he chose over me.. Now where am I?? Where is she?

I’m still here, unappealing to him because I’m available and simply not her?? Like I’m cold left overs he’d maybe settle for if he got hungry enough. sighh 
 

He chose her and ghosted/gaslighted me to do so over a year ago.. and where is she? Not with him. She’s gone and I’m still here adoring him and allowing myself to get hurt by endless rejection and insensitivity. 

Not all his fault.. I should make boundaries clearer.. I’m trying. I have flaws too. He and I BOTH have a few things we need to work on. Its ok.. but I have the right to have grievances.
 

The few hurtful aspects don’t erase all the kind things he does right or all the amazing parts of who he is. A few behaviors hurt me.. only a few. Literally probably like 5 out of the bajillion things he does.. Most of his actions make me smile or deeply grateful for his friendship.

But yeah.. his choice. Her.. his ex he chose and abruptly ditched my ass for more than once.. That choice hurt me, devastated him, and she is over it. His preferred option just popped out a baby boy with someone else. Goodness gracious. I really have unresolved issues falling for emotionally unavailable men. oh well. I’ll figure it out.
 

I also shared my vulnerable feelings with him yesterday while we were having a serious talk about some of this.. and multiple times he just responded like I hadn’t opened up.. Dismissed my heartfelt feelings regarding my fears, hurt, and care for him. I noticed and it didn’t feel great, but I didn’t say anything. I should have. 
  

I have a mix of emotions to process.. that’s why I’m ramble-writing..
  

I’m feeling heartache knowing he is suffering. I feel hurt and aggravated that he has his head so far up his butt that he doesn’t realize the way he treats me like I’m just an option to make use of instead of a beautiful opportunity/prize.. the way he fails to recognize my worth.. it frustrates me and makes me cry sometimes. Past experiences and my CPTSD heighten certain types of hurt.
 

If he respected me more.. admired me more.. saw true worth in me.. he’d never want me to settle for less than his or someone else’s best.. He’d never treat me like a booty call because he cares more about getting laid than building a relationship with a woman he’d be lucky as hell to be loved by. His loss.. :(
 

I can be friends with someone like this because he is a great friend other than not realizing that being utilized as a sexual object would be bad for me. I’m a person. I deserve to be cared for and seen. 
 

He saw her as more.. but still sees me as just a ‘maybe’ or an escape/numbing agent for his own hurts. I’m more than some thing for his gratification.. Does he know that? I think he does.. I don’t know  
 

One day I will meet someone.. he will probably get jealous.. but by then it’ll be too late. I’ll choose the man who wanted me before jealousy or whatever set in. M has had 3 years. How he fails to realize what he is missing out on is beyond me 😆 I thought maybe he was gay and I was moving on from my romantic feelings.. but if he were strictly into dudes then he wouldn't be so hung up on a woman from his past! 
 

Ugh.. I care a great deal about what he needs. I want what is best for him. I hurt when he hurts. I want to be there for him.. I want to help him, comfort him. I want him to be provided with endless kindess and have all of his needs met.
 

——But I also care about my needs and what is best for me. I want to be helped, comforted, and cared about too.. I want to be loved back. I want to matter too, because I do. I’m here. Will anybody ever see me? 

I Spoke Up (Go me!)

A few hours after writing the mess up above I told him how I felt. He was gracious enough to hear me out, which I appreciate a lot. 
 

My heart was racing and I was having trouble thinking. Speaking my full mind terrifies me and I’m sure I said some stuff the wrong way.. but I tried- I still did it! :) My hands are still shaking. My head hurts. haha
   

Here are two responses I sent him after we discussed what I talked about above. He wasn’t rude about it. 

A little context for the first part—
He said I can’t even drive right now and that makes me unavailable. Which is why he may seek out someone else. In response I told him how I had offered to bring him cookies and drive them out last night. He replied that he agreed and said I had almost made those plans. 
 

My 2 messages: 

“Yes. I was willing to bake cookies in the middle of the night, rush to make sure I didn't look like total shit, and try to drive for the first time in nearly 6 months because I desperately wanted to cheer you up with cookies because I hate you hurting and knew how badly you've been craving them.

But fuck me, I'm injured..and it is temporarily inconvenient. lol. 

Alrighty.”
 

“I think you are wonderful, but I'm a prize too. I'm not going to try to convince you. You either see it or you don't.
 

I'm worth wanting and waiting for. You don't have to see me that way, but it's not me or my injury's fault if you don't.
 

If alleviating your sexual frustration takes priority for you, then that's that. You have that right and I won't think any less of you over it. I am willing to finally accept us as 💯 just friends.
 

It's ok for us to have different priorities. You aren't wrong or bad and neither am I.
  

I respect you and will not bother you with my romantic feelings for you anymore.
 

I'm sorry. I didn't foresee me opening up about being jealous/hurt and wanting only you would turn into a semi-argument.
 

You are not required to feel as I do or want the same things. It is totally valid and acceptable to do things your own way.
 

It's ok for us to not be compatible is certain ways, because I know we are still compatible as friends and I think you're a great friend/person. :)
 

You do you boo. I just cared enough to put my feelings out there. It took balls.. so go me! 😅” 

————-
 

So yes. It was a good conversation.. because we both spoke our minds and didn't attack one another. I am very appreciative of his usual willingness to talk things through.
 

I put myself out there with him and let him know I care and wanted more.. that I only wanted him.  
 

Now I’m starting to move on from the big, sweet, and sincere romantic emotions I have been carrying for him.
 

I still think he has many good traits and appreciate him, but of course I don’t want to end up with someone when feelings are not mutual.
 

I won’t be made to feel that it’s my fault if he never gets over his ex or sleeps around because I wouldn’t go over and put out quickly enough. He is in control of his choices. If he needs to get exactly what he wants (even if it isn’t good for me) or else I’m ruled out.. then that’s too familiar and not my cup of tea.
 
I sure haven’t been getting exactly what I want from him for these last couple years.. but I didn’t rule him out over it.. Maybe I should have? I did try once or twice when I was super hurt.. like when he disappeared for months.. or the whole fiasco last year.
  

But even though I wasn't getting my way, I tried to keep learning him and building some form of trust. I thought we had an actual bond. He is far more than the things he does for me.. I know that and value him as his entire person..not just the bits that benefit me.
  

Regardless.. I really don’t want to feel pressured into sex.. like it is a “Well if you don’t sleep with me soon I will have to hook up with strangers” A little too coercive for my liking. Not saying that is his intention, just how it takes so little to lose his interest. It feels cold.
 

I told him saying that left me jealous and hurt. He didn’t take it back or say he didn’t mean it. He just pointed out how I wasn’t available to go over. Like I’m leaving him with no choice? No. At least I let him know. That’s all I can do. 
 

I was open to possibly exploring physical intimacy.. but when I needed reassurance I received what made me feel the opposite of secure and wanted instead. I thought sex was just a part of what he wanted..not ALL that he wanted with me. I don’t know. I can’t make someone care about me or view me as more than an outlet.
  

I’ve waited for him for years, but he lets me know he has no issue with seeking out other people if I can’t be around now that he is sooooo ready/ horny or something? No. I thought our connection was more solid than that. Oh well. This aint my first rodeo caring for...my type of man. Friends it is. 🖤
  

Like, I’d already have to work through feeling like his second choice because he’s made it clear he would prefer his tall, naturally thin ex.. So of course knowing he still can’t figure out what he wants relationship wise and slowly work towards it.. it’s too scary for me… all the uncertainty. I’m scared.  
 

I know he still isn't over his ex.. I was willing to wait it out and see if something developed in time.. but then he brought up joining dating sites the other day..and I was like..what?… :(  
 

I’ve been wanting to spend time with him so badly and looking forward to it for reasons unrelated to sex.. That doesn’t mean I was uninterested in it.. just that it wasn’t my main focus or something I thought I was obligated to do to be worth his time. 

I was anticipating seeing him because I like him and enjoy his company. I was flattered and happy he wanted to hang out with me.. I didn’t realize that he didn’t want my company, he just wanted something he can apparently get from any willing warm body. Doesn’t matter who.. has nothing to do with me as a person. I thought he liked me. Ouch.. ouch ouch and ouch.
  

My heart has been through enough already. I have to protect it and put it back up a safe distance away from the romantic feelings I had. The platonic love can remain. :) That’s a huge plus. He is pretty dang good at being a friend to me. so.. yay! I’m a solid friend to him too. Heck yeah. 

The interest in more than surface level relationship shit just isn’t there. And that’s ok. Now he’s ruled out as a potential partner again.
 

He has the right to want what he wants and not settle for less (or should I say more? haha) .. just as I have the right not to settle for having to put out or else he will go sleep around and lose any romantic interest he had in me. No. If that’s all it takes.. If that is how little he ‘likes’ me and cares.. well ok. If it is that easy for him to devalue a connection.. then so be it.
 

But when he is done sleeping around or making me wait forever, I’ll no longer be an option for him. I adore him as a person and friend. I will have his back and enjoy our talks. 
 

I shared my feelings.. he heard me out. He didn’t do anything wrong. His response and lack of passion or care for me just let me know I definitely have always liked him far more than he likes me. It happens.
  

If all it takes for him to lose interest in one person is to develop the hots for another..then the connection was never genuine or strong. There will always be other hot people..There will always be other people you could be compatible with or hook up with..but if you already picked, like, or love someone the potential you could have with others should be irrelevant and not entertained. Ya know.. if you actually care about a person more than feeding into your most selfish and dead end desires. 
 

But yeah, he isn’t my boyfriend and doesn’t even like me that way. So it’s whatever. I need to get over him in the romantic sense. I don’t want to get hurt or to stress him out. So I just need to stop. 
 

He can keep looking for what is missing from his life. One day he might realize a few things he seems oblivious to right now. I hope I can do the same. haha
 

Some people only want you once you’re gone. Always searching to fill the void, yet devaluing all the things that could actually provide the purpose and meaning to help fill it up for good. Oh well. Good luck to my friend. He deserves to find what he is looking for.. I just hope his defenses won’t make him blind to it whenever it is within reach.

Lapse in No-Contact

Ah D.B.. The only man I have ever felt in love with. The man I would’ve died for. Yeah.. that abusive, beautiful, turd face. Mehhh.
 

When I’m low and scared with these man-related issues..I do recall the comfort, hope, and fullness I felt right before my ex threw me away way back during the main discard.
 

Those feelings were powerful.. but beyond the feelings was also the fact that I had conciously chosen to love him. The type of love that stays even when feelings and passions are low or going back and forth over time.. the way feelings naturally do.
 

The honeymoon phase or early infatuation/butterflies and excitement always fades away as your brain chemistry adjusts.. But to love is more than a feeling. It is a choice to make that you are going to stand by this person no matter what.. That you will always consider them and be there for them no matter what goes wrong or right.
 

I know our relationship was toxic as hell.. and so maybe the big love feelings I had were indeed fueled by other things.. However, the choice I made went beyond feelings. It was real love I was offering and ready to commit to. 
 

That means more than anything I can think of. I chose to love that man. I chose him and he threw me away after expressing his disgust with who I am as a person.
 

I remember the feelings that accompanied making the choice I did. I still don’t regret it.. I think it was beautiful that I was so willing to offer someone my whole heart after living my entire life keeping it hidden away out of a fear and shame I didn’t fully understand then. 
  

I want to one day be brave enough to make that choice again, but I’m much more afraid now after what my ex did. I was already scared, but I fought through it for him. I was open and fully vulnerable with him even though it was so hard to do.
   

It didn’t turn out well.. but not because choosing to genuinely love someone is stupid and pointless.. It’s just that I chose to love someone who never made the choice to love me too. If we’d both chosen love it would’ve been the most worthwhile thing ever. 
 

I know how to love. It goes something like this for me— 

From my old post,
If I Could Decide His Fate