His Speeches

03/30/2021

Sections:

  • He Was My Focus 

  • His Perfectly Timed Epiphanies

 He Was My Focus 


During our relationship I completely stopped focusing on my own needs and happiness so I could do what it took to tend to his. I kept letting him push me further and further down, and further away from who I was before he got ahold of me. 

The demanding sacrifice I had to make to accept being treated badly and neglected was detrimental to mental health. I was always hurting, but the thought of hurting him hurt so much worse. 

I felt immense guilt anytime I'd allow myself to reflect on how difficult it was becoming for me. His needs were heavy and all our relationship was allowed to revolve around. I became committed to that dynamic without realizing it was happening.

All I was trying to do was treat him right and be patient. I never anticipated being good to someone would hurt so much, and that such genuine care could be twisted into wrong or never be quite enough.
 
Learning to accept endless amounts of stress and sadness became my new baseline. Trying to force myself not to acknowledge my pain for the sake of my partner became the only way to avoid being someone who upset him.
 
The hurt of keeping all of myself on mute to avoid the consequences he dished out was sharp. That pain was shoved to the back, but it would inevitably pierce through. 

I would be collapsing within all I had suppressed. My cries for help would be in the form of massive texts because he wouldn't call or answer my calls the few times I worked up the nerve to try to reach him. 

I would be terrified to allow him to hear me, but in those moments of desperation I couldn't take the burden of such intense pain anymore. I was too mixed up and lost to stay alone in the place I had retreated. So, I’d carefully step out from hiding in hopes of finding a way to be alright again. 

I'd reach out to him just to then be rejected and scorned by the very person I was always trying to hold myself up for. I was shamed and attacked for letting him know I was confused, hurt and afraid. Thus, I'd retreat back into myself.

You have to retreat and try to silence who you are in that moment because of how warped, painful, and  hopeless everything begins to feel. I would break from all the weight of our one-sided relationship. 

I cared for him. I tried so hard to help him be alright. I adapted and accepted blame. I tried to live up to his ever-changing expectations. Sometimes it was ok to talk, sometimes it would cause him to lash out. Sometimes I could send pictures, sometimes it would initiate a fight. 

I tried to stand and fight as hard as necessary to be strong enough to withstand whatever pain being with him caused.

I didn't know which way to step. I was trying so hard to avoid hurting him.. But no matter what I did, or how carefully I proceeded, there'd be sudden explosions. 

The path was never clear. Whenever I thought I could finally see my way he'd switch the landscape and make me feel like I’d started all over. I had become so lost and miserable.. But I was willing to stay by his side like a foolish sacrifice, because I loved him and I only wanted to be good to him. 

I was determined to wait it out for what he swore was on the other side. I was waiting for him. I was waiting to feel cared for safe. I instinctively tried with all I had to do right by him. I didn't stop trying and giving all I had until the day(s) he tossed me aside like I was never there to begin with.

With all of that dizzying inner turmoil, there was still a tiny bit of hope. Hope he fueled when he'd suddenly be there with the perfect words to ease all the tension. All of the anguish and confusion, no matter how wretched, would cease as soon as he offered me the smallest amount of kindness. 

He would suddenly provide certainty and a direction to follow. I was waiting to be guided without knowing why I was so hopelessly lost. 

His positive words and big promises of what he knew I wanted to believe most would make it seem like my suffering locked away was worth it. The love I had for him made me think all of what I was experiencing was worth it, because I thought he was.
 
I had gone from years of independence to disastrously codependent in a matter of a couple months. 

All I could see was him. I was determined to never let him down, the way I'd been let down by others before. I cared about him more than myself. I was only looking out for him, while nobody was looking out for me.

His promises and his wellbeing became my focus, and unfortunately my entire purpose. I almost forgot the pain our relationship had me in by focusing on alleviating and preventing his. 

I focused outwards for my comfort and meaning. Looking at the mess his abuse had created inside of me was too painful, I couldn't even grasp what it was. It was such a dark, chaotic and frightening thing to try to make sense of. I couldn't find me in there anymore.
 

So without realizing it, I turned away and looked at all the bright shiny promises and lies he'd dangle in front of me. I so desperately wanted out of the dark. I just didn't want to hurt anymore. I was so tired of being lost.. He knew that.
 

He knew exactly what I needed to hear, and that is how he knew what lies to tell to take advantage of me by guiding me wherever he wanted me to go. 

He had control, and that's all he ever wanted. All I wanted was to care and be cared for. And that's precisely what his beautiful speeches offered me each time I‘d finally start to accept it would never arrive. 

His Perfectly Timed Epiphanies


When he'd go on one of his uplifting rants about how much he really did care about me, he would speak of the future we'd have with such excitement. He would start pointing out all of the things he was doing wrong in our relationship and towards me. He would suddenly be aware of all his errors. Then he would speak in great detail about how he was going to address each and every one of the issues his wrongs caused. 


He'd speak as if he knew exactly what to do, and that nothing would stop him from doing what needed to be done to make us work. He'd spin stories about how he had spoken to his mother, brother, friend, or nephew- and how they gave him words of wisdom he had previously not considered. He had 'seen the light' Yet another perfectly timed epiphany to convey to me. 


He'd proclaim how much better he was feeling, and how much more optimistic he was feeling in his brand new improved mindset! He'd go on and on about how great things were going to be, and  about how grateful he was to have me. 


He could explain away anything he had done, or make me question myself about any negative feelings I had as a result of his actions. ..As I mention on another page of this website..I swear, He could say the sky was neon orange, and I'd believe him wholeheartedly while looking straight up at the blue.

 
I believed in him. I believed those good days he guaranteed he'd bring to me were right around the corner, and that soon I would actually be able to relax and feel cared for.


I kept waiting for the man I adored to start behaving like a boyfriend and treat me right. I was waiting to talk, to learn one another, and to enjoy his company. I was ALWAYS waiting for the good, positive, and clearer portion of our relationship to arrive.

 
He'd describe all of the beautiful things he wanted for us. He's speak with such conviction pertaining to the many fulfilling things he knew we would have together. He'd share such ideal goals and perfect approaches to meeting them. 


His passionate energy, while sharing his determination to make everything right, was emotionally stirring. His energy was contagious and fantastic! I'd go from miserable and lost, to having all my faith restored in him and us.
 

He was so certain! His voice and articulation made it appear that he knew was exactly what he wanted! I could then breathe easy for a moment, and believe everything was going to be ok.
 

Sure, after the glow of his words wore off (or was completely darkened by another abusive episode) I would find myself sitting in pain once again, waiting for the day I'd no longer have to miss him and feel so alone. That day never came. 

Instead, he gave me moments. He gave me a few family games nights and big beautiful declarations of all the wonderful things to come for us..Then he would deliver nothing. He would only make me wait even longer for something incredible I never once got to see. 

 
I never got to be loved, seen, heard, wanted or respected— I only ever experienced what it was like to wait for it, because he always told me it was on the way.
 
..I was patient with him, as patient as I would want someone to be with me. I just thought that was how to love, unconditionally. Which I suppose would be ok, if I had chosen to love someone good who actually loved me too. 

The loneliness of being in a relationship with him was the loneliest and emptiest I have ever felt. 

I'd forget about that horrid loneliness as soon as he'd give me the smallest show of affection..A few sweet words would save me from the hell I didn't realize he had trapped me in. The rush when his name would FINALLY pop up as an alert on my phone!

…It was such a lonely, desperate and confusing time. But when he would come back and tell me his feelings, plans and excuses, I truly loved to listen to him rattle on about it. He'd sound so energetic and happy.


Oddly enough, I found it soothing. Then again, it may have just been pleasurable because he usually ignored me, and so  hearing from him was a relief.  He sounded certain that he knew exactly where we'd end up. 
 

He'd reassure me that we would make it through anything. He'd say "We're going to make it. You know that, right?" 
 
Right when I'd begin to feel defeated because I was consistently left in the dark, he'd swoop in with a grand speech to lift my spirits.
 
Such incredibly comforting and stirring words would flow from him. His energy would fill me back up with faith.
 
I'd become certain that it was all in my head, and that I needed to find a way to handle never being able to talk to him...because pushing him to talk was selfish, crazy, and 'high maintenance’


His words made me sure I was imagining things and misunderstanding why he was out of communication so frequently. He'd speak so graciously about where he'd been, and about why he'd been in a mental state that kept him too isolated to speak with me. Yes, I fell for that, because I had fallen for him. I trusted him.


During one of his typical monologues he unloaded such beautiful, engulfing promises and declarations of his wonderful intent. He told me he knew he had been putting me on the back burner, that he was not putting as much into the relationship as I was. That I was giving and giving, and he needed to give now too.

 

He said it was all going to change. He said that he was going to try something with me that he never did with any other woman before..He said he hated being vulnerable, but  with me he was going to try something different and be honest with me, and actually talk to me.
 

But then he also told me, "I have commitment issues. I mean, you're not stupid, I know you  know that already. But I am telling you because I want to do something I have never done with a girlfriend before, be honest and talk to you.
 

He said he wanted to fall in love with me because I was such a good person, but that he was terrified. He actually reiterated how terrified he was of me a few times. He told me he had never dated anyone who was marriage material before and he hated being this vulnerable, but that we were going places. He told me we were going to make it..that it was going to take a lot of effort on his part, but that we were permanent.
 

I never suspected our entire relationship was a lie.. I didn’t think this man who I cared for, who I looked in the eyes, held, kissed, who I was worried about, and was giving so much of myself to..I could not fathom that he would ever do something that terrible to me.
 

Even though he kept doing terrible hurtful things, like ignoring me, calling me names, being accusatory and so cruel. But I couldn't imagine that he could be THAT level of evil towards me because he did know me. 
 

He knew me pretty well.. or at least he should have because I was always genuine with him. He knew my good heart, that I had good intentions, I was funny, friendly..and he brought me around his family..


I had so much to offer..and I did offer it all to him. I gave him all I had.. So I simply couldn't imagine somebody who was seeing all of that, someone who knows me to the core..would have the heart to push me down in that way, to use me, lie to me, and treat me so badly.

I didn't want it to be true, because it hurt a great deal. So I forgave him anytime he said he was sorry.. we always got back together.
 

When he would reappear I would go right back to being guided by him. He'd grab those same strings he remembered from before, and put on a sadistic puppet show.  And yes, typing out sadistic puppet show just now was hilarious. 


What is not hilarious, is that he kept me on a chain, weighed down by him and 'us' as he ran about and did whatever the hell he felt like doing. I was never considered. The serious  damage it was doing to do to me never mattered to him. Nothing mattered to him, other than himself. 

The prison his abuse locked me in. The hell it was.. The actual emotional and mental torment it became for me. The crash and shock from the betrayal. My pure, trusting heart he left broken and tarnished. My defeated spirit and loss of hope meant NOTHING to him..
 

..Well, other than some twisted type of pleasure, obviously. He had to have enjoyed it. Otherwise he wouldn't have kept doing it, because we all know by now that he doesn't do a single thing he doesn't want to do.

Never Enough
How He Fooled Me
His Future Faking