Reality of No Contact
05/14/2021
A couple of months after D.B's birthday, I read all about narcissistic discards, 'hoovers', and the need to go no contact (if at all possible). Even reading about narcissistic abuse from professional resources couldn't get me to fully accept the hard truth about the man I loved.
I wanted him to be an exception. I wanted to believe him, and believe in him. I was used to believing in him, and waiting on him to do the right thing he claimed to be trying so hard to do. Denial, cognitive dissonance, and the simple fact that I loved him, made it very difficult to accept the severity of our situation.My mind goes back.
—An awful feeling I’m trying my best not to avoid, because I know facing it is the only way to heal and grow. I'm facing it all one.. aspect of it at a time. I'll get there. I can do this.
I thought I should have left his phone number blocked after the main discard, and I definitely knew I needed to after he returned and hurt me a month later. I knew I should have blocked him out. But I didn't. I missed him for some reason. I always do.
I'm not quite arrogant enough to say with absolute certainty that he will try to come back for a fifth time, but that has been his pattern. He has left me five times and come back four after making me believe I'd never hear from him again. I will leave his number blocked, because this abuse cycle is psychological torture he has no desire end.
Each time he left (after expressing I was horrible, crazy & undeserving of him) I would initially block his number. Mainly because I was too hurt to handle anymore of his sharp, customized insults-He becomes some vicious creature instead of the man I love. Yet, every single time he left, something would happen. It still happens now.
My mind goes back.
I'll remember how I felt in those few good moments between us.
I will remember how hard I tried, and how much I trusted him.
I will remember how amazing it felt when I thought he and I were both in the relationship for honorable reasons, like love and practicality.
I’ll remember that incredibly indescribable warmth I'd feel when I’d see his face or he'd take my hand.
There will be moments late at night when I feel like I am physically uncomfortable because he isn't next to me. It can be extremely frustrating and depressing. Regardless of the fact that I‘m furious with his cruel ways, I still sometimes feel pulled towards a person who isn't around.
Until recently, I could not understand what was so wrong with me that allowed me to miss someone who abused and abandoned me repeatedly! I thought something had to be terribly wrong with me to feel this way about someone as cold as he is.
I learned more in-depth about euphoric recall, trauma bonds, cognitive dissonance and the causation of rumination after narcissistic abuse. Suddenly, with all the knowledge I could handle the annoying, involuntary aches a little better.
I still have moments..many actually. At this phase, I miss him all the time, without understanding what there is to miss. On that note..I'm very ADD-sorry, being honest about missing him just reminded me of the following-- Someone addressed this issue with me recently(again).
The matter of me giving my ex narcissistic supply by giving him so much attention as I continue talking about the impact he and his abuse had on me.
IN RESPONSE I SAY--I know that sharing all of this will likely provide my ex with attention and 'supply' as he sees how his big bad self is still able to hurt or influence another person. That is ok with me!
I know he does not deserve all my time or all the attention. But writing about this insanity helps me, and a few other people too. I'll be damned if I modify my behavior, especially in regards to my healing process, for him.
He has controlled enough of my choices. I discuss exactly why I’m still willing to risk feeding his ego here- Giving Him What He Wants.
No Contact is strongly advised for survivors of narcissistic abuse. No Contact is also ridiculously challenging for a lot of us. Some days the thought of never speaking to him again fills me with relief and empowerment. Other days, the thought hurts with the disorienting pain I felt the first time he blindsided me.
No Contact is strongly advised for survivors of narcissistic abuse. No Contact is also ridiculously challenging for a lot of us. Some days the thought of never speaking to him again fills me with relief and empowerment. Other days, the thought hurts with the disorienting pain I felt the first time he blindsided me.
That abandonment does not feel good. No abandonment does. But when it is done by someone you trusted, and who convinced you that they'd never yank the entire world out from under you, it is a deeply painful feeling.
—An awful feeling I’m trying my best not to avoid, because I know facing it is the only way to heal and grow. I'm facing it all one.. aspect of it at a time. I'll get there. I can do this.
He could do it for himself too..if he'd try. Maybe I'm still being naive..but I think he could do it..I think he's strong enough.. I feel like there's beauty in him.. the anger, denial, pain, and fear just..hide it. The people he hurts deserve better, but so does he. He deserves better. He deserves peace and acceptance. I hope he finds it. I'm not sure why he won't try, and I wish I could somehow magically make his life better, but I can't.. that's not my place.. It's his.
His refusal to communicate was always to punish me, while mine is only to escape harm.
Closing the door is not easy, no matter how much I need to. I have always ended up unblocking his number. This time around, I came very close to changing my phone number and removing his number from any emails, screenshots or writings so that I could never be tempted to reach out.
No Contact is me admitting to myself that a man who abused and neglected me the way he did, was never worthy of the beautiful, limitless love, devotion and consideration I gave him freely.
Closing the door is not easy, no matter how much I need to. I have always ended up unblocking his number. This time around, I came very close to changing my phone number and removing his number from any emails, screenshots or writings so that I could never be tempted to reach out.
I am so desperate to never speak to him again, because I know he will hurt me. It gets confusing and infuriating because at times I feel this sick hope to hear from him. I start wishing he'd find a way to reach me.
This is common with abuse survivors, especially if there's a trauma bond..which isn't difficult to form in narcissistic relationships and/or if you've formed one before. It is not pleasant. I have to go against how I feel, because how I feel about him sometimes makes no sense whatsoever.
I’ve endured agonizing pain due to this man’s malicious mistreatment. I don’t want to suffer needlessly anymore. I don't want to neglect my child. I don't want to become so broken down that I can't help anyone else.
I’ve endured agonizing pain due to this man’s malicious mistreatment. I don’t want to suffer needlessly anymore. I don't want to neglect my child. I don't want to become so broken down that I can't help anyone else.
I don't want to shut off the kindness, insight and joy I have to share just because someone I gave my all to didn't value me or see the worth of all I have to offer. Causing another person so much misery when all they wanted was to love you and lift you up, is a pitiful thing.
The shame each time I let him back in my life is no picnic either. His neglect, abuse and deceitfulness caused senseless destruction to someone that was only trying to help him build. I feel ashamed, but I know all the shame belongs to him.
No Contact is space. I will deal with the pain of accepting I’ll never speak to him again in order to protect myself from the far more severe pain his mistreatment causes. I have moments of weakness.
The shame each time I let him back in my life is no picnic either. His neglect, abuse and deceitfulness caused senseless destruction to someone that was only trying to help him build. I feel ashamed, but I know all the shame belongs to him.
No Contact is space. I will deal with the pain of accepting I’ll never speak to him again in order to protect myself from the far more severe pain his mistreatment causes. I have moments of weakness.
I have gotten close to texting "Can we talk?" That is an embarrassing thing to acknowledge, but it's true. I sure wish he would've told me the truth. If another reader has fallen to a low point, I want them to see they are not alone.
Breaking down is to be expected. Each time I want to speak with my ex, I have to remind myself that I can never have a meaningful and honest conversation with him. He always has an angle, like to get me to behave in accordance to what he's willing to deal with that day, or for me to see him a certain way and believe in our fictional future together.
I gave him several chances to prove his words right and my feelings wrong. Yet, all he did with each opportunity was hurt me and let me down.
D.B. taught me that if I give him a chance to hurt me, he will. Whatever is broken within him makes him want to break me.
No Contact is all I can do, because the only thing he can do consistently, is cause me as much pain as possible. He will not take an opportunity to help, do good, or strengthen his character.
No Contact hurts. The fact that abuse can haunt the way it does, makes me sad and angry. He hurt me while we were together, and he's hurting me while he's gone.
The pain and damage caused by abuse is not something simple or weak. He will never understand, and he will never care. But I have to.
I am stuck with the mess he made. Yes, he made. My heart and mind don't let me not care and cut off my emotions/humanity. I feel. He shames me for feeling.
No Contact prevents adding more pain to the current, and seemingly endless, pain he's already left behind. Within this space, I am lucky enough to be able to go back and review where I fell. I have the time and clarity of mind to analyze the relationship dynamics through my writings.
My personal writings allow me to see patterns more easily. The patterns show me exactly why No Contact is necessary.
It's not alright to hurt people the way he does. Now I know, so now it is on me. That doesn't mean I deserve the pain he'll inflict if I fall again. That doesn't mean I am abusing myself. It just means I am now more aware, and that I am going to try my very best to act accordingly in future
I gave him several chances to prove his words right and my feelings wrong. Yet, all he did with each opportunity was hurt me and let me down.
D.B. taught me that if I give him a chance to hurt me, he will. Whatever is broken within him makes him want to break me.
No Contact is all I can do, because the only thing he can do consistently, is cause me as much pain as possible. He will not take an opportunity to help, do good, or strengthen his character.
The only type of opportunity he takes advantage of is one to destroy, belittle, and exploit. He is free to make his poor choices. I choose to protect myself, and admit that I deserve a much better man than one who prefers to push me down any time he's given the chance to help me up.
This is not what I wanted, but I never deserved to be treated badly.
He was supposed to be my friend and partner, but instead he was just another bully and unappreciative boy.
He can convince himself I am weak because I have vulnerabilities that accompany my strengths, but no weak woman could have put up with him and fought for him the way I did. No Contact is me fighting for myself. I fought hard and was long-suffering for someone who couldn't even stand by me.
No Contact is goodbye. I don't need answers to my questions, no matter how badly I want them. I don't need to see that beautiful but cold face again, no matter how much I adored it. I don't need him at all, no matter how much I wanted him.
I will never understand him, because he doesn't try to be understood. He only tries to get what he wants and keep things in the order he thinks is best and which meets his 'high standards.' I mean this in an honest, non-petty way—If his standards were high, he would be a better human being.
He also would have seen how I was more than good enough for him. I was more than what he ever earned. He was fortunate to have me, and couldn't even see it.
No Contact is also me accepting his choice to shove me aside during and after the relationship. Far away and alone is better than being repeatedly disrespected and abandoned by someone I would have never turned my back on.