Sections:

• Rebuilding Confidence

• 
Acceptance & Self-Worth

• What Had My Focus (a man)

Rebuilding Confidence

Let’s go back in time..because somehow an entire decade+ has passed since the first time I experienced what it’s like to have self-confidence. Weird! It was around 2014-2015.
 
My goals in my mid twenties were to get in shape/ lose the baby weight (I was a new mom), get on antidepressants, and to find a job. Not a bad starting point.
 

Step one was to get physically healthy. I started out one small step at a time. I’d push my son in his stroller all around my neighborhood most mornings. A little weight came off within a couple months.. not much, but I did feel more fit and awake.
  

Then I started circuit training 20 minutes a day every day except Sunday(was the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD) I was incredibly sore, but I kept pushing. I didn’t stop at 30 days.
  

Within less than half a year of my only exercise being that 20 minute DVD I went from 213lbs to 170lbs. I figured I was healthy and comfortable enough with my body to start working. But instead of finding a job I ended up discovering a career path to pursue.
 

I enrolled in classes to become a medical assistant. The school had a daycare on campus.. It was perfect. My son was only two years old and I’d been at home with him the entire time leading up to this..
During the first two years of his life I’d ended the relationship with his biological father, gotten full custody and a restraining order, started new antidepressants, and began to improve my health.

Those first two years at home with my baby were plenty full. I was recovering from those back to back abusive relationships whilst trying to be a good mother moving our life in a better direction. So yeah.. by 2015 I was ready to join the world for the first time. That’s how it felt. 
  

Once I started classes at Delta Tech I went all in on an attempt to fake it ‘til you make it. I never knew if that would actually work. It did. I channeled everything I wanted to be and that’s who I became. Turns out everything I wanted to be was already there, I’d just been too scared to allow myself to embrace it.
 

I’d been so sure of my doom that I hadn’t bothered to try as a kid, teen, and young adult. I was conditioned to see life and myself that way. But something about becoming a mother made me start seeing things differently. It started to show me a part of my past I didn’t end up fully understanding until after my abusive relationship with D.B. in 2020. I go into that here—Taking Responsibility for My Life.  (Looking over some old posts and the clarity I briefly had it’s easy to see I dissociate A LOT.. sometimes for years at a time I go back and forth -especially when big stressors/triggers arise. I know things, then I disconnect from that knowledge completely and focus too much on something else. What a charming mess I am. ha.. I’ll keep working on it.)
  

Back to 2015–
I wasn’t done with my health/weight loss journey when I decided to go to school for a degree/certification. Once classes started my routine was as follows.. I’d wake up at 4:30 a.m. every morning and run on the treadmill for 40 minutes to an hour, do my circuit training, bathe, get dolled up, wake my toddler up by 7, make us breakfast, drive to school, walk him to the day care, then go to my classes.
 

I stuck to the routine the entire time. 2015-2017. I went from a cute,chubby 170lb girl building confidence to a determined and toned 150lb woman with a huge smile on her face. I was incredibly happy.
  

The reason I felt so much pride, inner peace, and happiness wasn’t due to my weight- that was simply a part of it. I was proud of how much I’d grown as a person.
 

Back when I was a teen I’d graduated at the very bottom of my class because I didn’t try. I was consumed by depression and mental exhaustion. As a teenager I was convinced I wouldn’t let myself live long enough to make it to high school graduation, so trying to get good grades seemed as pointless as I felt.I struggled with severe suicidal ideation as a kid/teen. 

Anyway. Then later as an adult I decided I was going to go to school and try. 
  

My son was relying on me. I had to make sure to be my best so he could have the best. I wanted to make sure he didn't have to spend his childhood feeling burdensome, unimportant, hopeless, and ashamed the way I did. I started loving myself the way I wanted him to grow up loving himself. 
 

I was 25 years old when I enrolled at Delta Tech. I told myself I would never make anything below a 97.. and for those two years, I never did. Straight A’s. I finished my program with a perfect 4.0. Seeing that I could succeed if I tried made me incredibly proud of myself. I joined a school club too. We volunteered at clothing drives for the homeless in our area.
 

All the pride I felt came from the fact that I'd finally believed I could do something.. and then done it! Never in my life.. I had never thought I could do anything.
 

Prior to this experience at the trade school I'd thought I was incapable of doing even the most basic of things or being someone worthwhile. I believed I was too crazy, lazy, stupid, bad, and so on to do anything right. Those were the messages fed to me my whole life. 
 

The idea that I was no good and would never make correct choices on my own was pushed into my head since as early as I can remember. Before my son was born I truly believed I was a useless hindrance undeserving of love and positive life experiences. Once I realized he and I both needed me I began to actually plan on having a future in which I was someone I could believe in.
 

Somehow my relationship with my ex turned me back into the child, teen, and young adult version of myself I was before I became a mother. Lost, afraid, hopeless, and too ashamed to be seen all over again. I’ve come out of it, but have continued to slip back over the last four years. It’s been hard to get back up and stay that way. That last relationship and my mistreatment cut through to me in such a profoundly personal way.
 

All of that mess our toxic relationship created.. it managed to hit all the right points to pull me right back down to something resembling the shell I used to be. I’m getting better, but I have to stop putting myself in situations that remind me of what it was like to be with him- because being reminded of that relationship ends up reminding me of even more sources of similar damage. There’s a lot of pain to still sort through, accept, and manage.
 

I want the confidence I had found and the belief in myself I had 2013-2020. I want back the peace and hope I was grateful to have finally found when my son was born. I’m a lot closer than I was four years ago, but I won’t lie.. it’s clear to see I’ve lost some hope and put life on pause again since 2022. I’ve tried to jump into life off and on, but something within myself keeps holding me back.

I’m not in the same place I was in my mid twenties, but I am in a similar enough mindset. I’m ready to try a formula like the one that worked several years ago, minus the high impact exercises that left me with herniated discs in 2017 and 2024. ha
 

I’m ready to give it my all and achieve things that will improve me and my child’s life. I am ready to get myself back together. I’m determined to be in an even better state than the one I was in the day I met you know who. He doesn’t get me at my best, but I will. I will be more beautiful mentally and physically than I was in 2020.. which will be awesome because I was already pretty dang great. ;P
 

Step one, I need some TLC from.. me!
 

My back that has been injured since mid July is so close to being normal again. 🥳 I'm starting to stay on my feet most of the day and walk a little for exercise. That’s a big improvement from the bedrest I was on for months! 
  

I’m starting to look like myself again. My energy is back up for the most part. I think it is time to make more lists. 🙃
 

Things That Make Me Feel Good About Myself:

• Accomplishing goals

• Being there for someone else
  

• Learning
  

• Having a routine

• Looking good (or at least not unhealthy)

• Being genuinely wanted

• Doing what’s right

• Trying my best

Things That Make Me Feel Bad About Myself:

• That I feel overwhelmed nonstop

• When I burden, disappoint, or hurt others

• Isolation and loneliness

• Being degraded, unfairly blamed, & shamed

• Weight fluctuations

• When I lack self-discipline

• Being unwanted, unknown, & unappreciated

• Not being an RN

• That I still don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like

• Failing repeatedly

• Struggling with my mental illnesses

• Being left behind/ abandoned or neglected

• Thinking and feeling too much

• Not understanding what’s going on

Steps I’ve Already Taken to Hype Myself Up:

Acceptance & Self-Worth

 
I've always been fearful of being too complicated and broken for anyone to want, accept, and love. That fear became amplified after my last relationship. I of course have my more confident moments, but during depressive episodes or instances of being triggered my head ends up in dark places I’d rather it not be.
  

Thankfully, I do snap out of it. Sometimes within minutes, other times it can take several hours or days. No matter the duration, I do eventually come back to baseline. My mind settles and those overwhelmingly painful feelings begin to fade away as I become grounded again. 

When I’m planted firmly back in reality I’m able to reflect on the fears that had previously consumed me and thrown me backwards. I’m able to address the fears I had, discover the root cause, and combat them with logic and patience towards myself. I’m able to better understand why the panic and excessive shame manifested.
 

Understanding helps me cope in healthier ways.. It also helps me relate to myself in a more loving manner too. 

 
I can go weeks or months without getting desperately lost(extra triggered).. But sometimes I do get stuck or spiral out of control.. and although that is unfortunate, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I am doing the best I can.
 

I will get better at managing things with time, but I will still falter no matter how much healing I do. I will have low moments from time to time no matter how sturdy I get.
 

My struggles don’t make me less of a person or undeserving of all the love and acceptance I’d happily extend to someone else regardless of their own issues.
  

Everyone has issues.. some are easier to hide or manage than others.. but no issues or ‘baggage’ makes a human being unworthy of kindness, acceptance, and love.
  

I love people, so there have to be people out there who will love me too. If I met someone with the exact same mental health conditions I have I’d not hesitate to support and adore them. If I met someone with even more severe or difficult mental health issues I’d want to build them up and be there for them too.
 

I’m not all the awful things I see myself as in my lowest moments. I’m not the disgusting and undesirable mess my last abuser saw me as. I see worth in others, and I’m a worthwhile person too.
  

I worked through this on another post, and I’ll end up working through it again by writing about it later. It helps me understand my behavioral patterns to recall and dissect them.
 

By making sense of the madness it becomes less chaotic and confusing. It helps me accept and appreciate myself as I realize this “baggage” isn’t some huge flaw or reason I’ll never be good enough.. It’s merely evidence of a disorder I didn’t give myself and that I’m badass enough to confront. I’m not a burden, I’m a blessing willing to put the work in to carry myself 😉
 

My struggles don’t define me, but they sure as hell have helped me find myself and have endless compassion for everyone else.
  

I love who I am, even if I don’t like everything that I do. I am imperfect. I am intense and require ample compassion, but I am capable of giving just as much care and consideration back. I can love deeply. I have more good moments than bad. I know how to try no matter how loud my past failures and fears are screaming that I’ll never make it or matter. Yes I will and I do.
 

I am always putting a lot of effort in to be my best both mentally and physically. Maybe someone on the outside won’t see that because I hide at home and struggle with body image… but every day I put effort in to get out of bed, to believe there is a reason to stay alive, and to have faith in myself. I am always trying my best to do right and to not give up.
 

I’m here smiling and pushing through complications. I’m still here. That counts because I have periods of time when I don’t want to be. Here I am- able to smile, hope, want, feel, and care. :) 

I know I still matter just as much as everyone else. I know I have a lot to offer. We all are full of complexities, and mine don’t make me any less of a good woman with tons to give others.
 

Below I’ll place links to some older posts about appreciating myself too. Maybe I should read over those whenever I’m feeling lost. That way I can remember who I really am and what I’m worth instead of letting damage from my past skew my self-perception.
 

When I’m lost within a bad moment I can start seeing myself as that worthless, bad, nothing I used to think I was just because unwell people treated me that way. They treated me horribly because they failed to see me, not because I deserved to be treated that way.
 

I know what I deserve. It’s the same care I offer others. If I can give love, acceptance, and support then that’s exactly what I deserve back. I don’t want to hang around warped mirrors. I want to be around people who can see me clearly. I am not that bad of a view! haha.
 

Come on.. that was cheesy, but it was cute. I know who I am. I am sensitive, playful, smart, awkward, honest, a bit skittish, kind, sassy, cute, passionate, forgiving, hopeful, sentimental and lovable. I’ll meet friends and a man that can catch on to that one day. 😎
 

I am fun to be around and I will always have your back. I know there are people out there capable of appreciating me and all of that.
 

There are people out there who won’t dismiss or look down on me just because I’ve been wounded. I’m more than my struggles and imperfections. I’m more than a disorder suffering inflicted upon me. I didn’t deserve to get hurt, and I surely don’t deserve to get hurt for hurting.   

I’m an entire person, not just a few specific parts. My more vulnerable spots simply add some character that the right people will be grateful to have around. For now, I am going to carry on practicing ways to better appreciate myself. If I keep practicing I'll get better at it just like with anything else.

I am not perfect or simple, but I am loving, worthwhile, and deserving of kindness nonetheless. 🩷 

What Had
My Focus

My head is starting to get less cluttered with anxiety and confusion. That's the silver lining of losing interest in someone I've been 'crushing on' for way too long.
 

If I could get over a man I wanted to marry, I can definitely get over a man I never even dated.
 

The more I look over old posts regarding our friendship/conflicts the more I see how incompatible we are. Unreciprocated feelings, inconsistency, different priorities, and some opposing values.
 

Same old toxic dynamic was already trying to form without us getting romantically involved.— Rejection and me hoping way too much for what he said we might become one day. 
 

I got so wrapped up in a similar enough circumstance. I practically enabled my own regression and hung onto unrealistic hopes I knew were only making it worse. I let myself get tangled up in things I could've kept myself out of.
 

I didn't have to lose focus of everything else I'd been working towards just because some man I barely knew(at the time) rejected me back in 2022… and 2023.. Oh, and now in 2025. Yet for some reason it messed with my head.
 

I could've set firm boundaries and told him we'd only ever be friends once I realized he wasn't interested in anything serious with me. My certainty with where I stood with him went back and forth.
 

I liked him a lot. I liked how it felt when he seemed to like me.. But if I’m honest with myself, he hasn’t seemed genuinely into me since the moment he found out I was genuinely into him a few years ago. He seemed more into me when I was just a cute stranger in his class— when I was merely a flattering new idea.
 

As we got to know one another he wasn't clear when I'd ask if we were just friends, but he didn't have to be. I got passive answers that didn't rule 'us' out nor say he was ever going to legitimately pursue me. I should've found clarity on my own.
 

Him saying “I don’t know what I want” should've been a resounding "Yes. I don’t want you the way you want me. We are just friends, but I want benefits because I'm lonely and horny" in my head. 
 

Having that hope hanging over my head that maybe something good would happen between us down the line- I allowed that hope to turn into a source of continuous anxiety, disappointment, and rejection.
 

I've taken too long to let it go. I guess in a way feeling unwanted and disheartened felt like home. It sort if felt like I was still in my last relationship -because it hurt.
 

Don't get me wrong, M. IS a good friend, it was just when romantic interest was involved that things turned painful and a bit too confusing.
 

I should've let go of my hope for more. I noticed he placed me on a shelf a couple years ago..which means I could've taken myself down. I didn't have to remain on hold. Ya know?
 

But then again.. I wasn't sure if I was really shelved or if what he was saying about his depression and busy life was the truth. He'd say that's why he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. I didn't find out it was actually because he was busy going after his ex the whole time until last August.
 

I suck at understanding passive things. I'd think I know what was going on, but then I'd doubt myself and feel ridiculous. In 2023 I thought I knew where things were headed between us—(we were friends..but he said he liked me and that he thought it was possible he'd be ready for more in a few months.. We'd made plans to hang out and we talked regularly) but then I got silence for 1-2 months.. followed by him saying his crazy ex was harassing him.. and then a couple weeks later I got blindsided with him saying he was heartbroken and wanted to marry the same crazy ex who had just broken up with him. He had never told me he was in a relationship or romantically involved with his ex.. I discovered he'd been gaslighting me for our entire friendship. Ahhhhh
 

I was stupid. I should've seen it coming.. It's not like I haven't been through another version of it before. After all that came out my self doubt, which was already too high, got even worse.
 

Back before I found out about his ex and all that— I wasn't sure if I could trust myself to comprehend our situation correctly. I couldn't tell if my concerns were valid or were just me projecting the past onto the present. When I felt like he was misleading me in 2022-2023 I would get flustered but then wonder if I was only assuming the worst because the last man I was involved with was so manipulative and deceitful. It is still very difficult and confusing for me to know what is and isn't in many ways.
 
All that uncertainty leaves me waiting to be guided. I need to guide myself. Toxic relationship patterns are hard to break.. especially when your non-relationship relationship ends up mirroring(to a much lesser extent) some parts of what you've already lived through. 
 

Got triggered writing this and spewed a mess of words in a slightly different direction for the next few paragraphs- 
 My bad. 
   

Dean gaslighted the hell out of me. Stonewalling, gaslighting, and triangulation.. Such damaging behaviors he dished out nonstop. That made a few months feel like so much longer. The gaslighting from that relationship still fucks with me. It stole the confidence needed to consistently know who I am and how the world works. It took away my ability to be sure of what is true.
 

My past made it easier to hurt me, deceive me, and get me lost all over again, but he still chose his actions that caused the harm. If he had treated me right I wouldn't have been traumatized by our relationship or its ending. I didn't get so damn 'trigger' happy until the abuse started.
 

He was excessively cruel for no justifiable reason. I never deserved any of that or brought it on my self by having a past or being hypersensitive. Someone having struggles or tender feelings doesn't make it ok to abuse them.  
 

He could've just left respectfully.. he could've not lied to me with all his big future-faking that got my hopes up and my heart open. 
 

He didn't have to shame me. He could've just said we weren't right together or that he wanted something else, but instead he tore me apart and made me believe he was leaving because I was unworthy, pathetic, stupid, selfish, manipulative, high maintenance, and crazy. 
 

No flaw I have justifies him degrading me the way he did with his malicious actions and words. I didn't make him do what he did to me.. but what he did is done even if the resulting scars are long term. 
 

Men already scared me before my last relationship, and now they frighten me even more. To know there are men out there who see me as subhuman and would destroy my mind/life just to get sex or some other fleeting gratification... It's disgusting and often makes me want to hide forever- especially since not all wicked people seem wicked at first. I'm tired of getting hurt.  

I don't want to ever believe in a heartless lie again. I don't want to be blindsided in such a shocking way that it devastates me and lingers for years. 
  

The fallout from the way my last partner treated me took away the little bit of safety I thought I still had. It ate away at my ability to stand up for myself too. How can someone take a stand if they stop trusting they have the ability to know what's going on? 
 

I used to have more faith in myself. It wasn't enough, but it was there. I'm steadily working to build it back up. It comes and goes. 
 

I trusted my friend M enough to not suspect the way he was lying to me and stringing me along back in 2022-2023.. but then I was shown I'd been foolish enough to trust lies from a man yet again. Sure, they were smaller because I wasn't dating M and he wasn't blatantly abusive, but being gaslighted by a man I expected better from (like to care about me and my feelings) still hurt and messed with my head a bit.
 

I'm confused and full of self-doubt when I try to be sure of where I stand with a man.. because I've been shown a few times that you can think you know what things are one minute, and then be shown they are actually something else entirely the next. What's real?  
 

Why do some people think gaslighting is ok just because the truth makes them uncomfortable? I'm sorry, but why was his comfort or how he wanted me to see him more important than doing what was right and fair?!?
 

Twisting someone's reality is never ok. It might not be my friend's fault that it caused me more severe distress than it might have caused someone else without my specific vulnerabilities..but that didn't make gaslighting or ghosting any less unhealthy or my fault. 
 

If you lie or abruptly disappear on someone you are accountable for the resulting harm your actions caused. No blaming the person you wronged. 

Apologizing for one's crappy actions or trying to understand their point of view is so much healthier than telling the person your actions hurt that they simply shouldn't be hurt. Like..come on..
 

If you hurt someone it's not their fault they feel the pain. And if you didn’t hurt them, still care enough to hear out their perspective so you can clear up any misunderstanding.
  

ANYWAY, sorry.. dont know where that part came from. but I'll leave it because it popped in my head.. 
 

Back to where my focus has been—
(clearly struggling to focus now. haha) 

Throwing myself into triggering situations just tosses me back in time to a more vacant and reactive version of myself; yet I continue to do it. 
 

If M. had told me "I don't feel that way about you." "We will never date." Or, "We are just friends." I'd have moved on from my romantic feelings for him ages ago. I can't rely on that..It's that toxic habit of mine to wait for guidance. I need to trust myself more..for sure.

I liked a boy, he said he liked me too.. I grabbed ahold of that information and didn't let it go even after he ghosted me twice and divulged his love for someone else while time carried on with nothing ever progressing between us. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Lord have mercy on my sweet, foolish, and needy soul. 
   

Sometimes it is hard for me to accept I'm still in life alone. I had to have been delusional to think M and I were actually close. He matters to me, but I don't matter as much to him— which I'm sure is why I stuck around hoping he'd eventually realize that I should.
 

My fault. I can be so.. yeah. He's not my ex, but he has a few things in common with him.. Like being emotionally unavailable and uninterested in a meaningful relationship with me. He cares more about sex and chasing an idealized version of something or someone else.

It's bizarre to be fully aware that I kept saying I wouldn't hang around where I'm not wanted.. whilst I continued doing exactly that for roughly three years. How embarrassing. Oh well! BUT sometimes he seemed like he did want me.. I still should've known better.
 

Now that I have been directly turned down by M, I'm able to come to some new realizations and stop fearing certain things. Liking anyone will frighten me, but when I discover the man I wanted definitely doesn't want me he becomes less threatening. 
 

I don't have to guess, hope, or worry anymore because I put myself out there and he shot me down. Now I know for sure. We've been friends for a few years. I recently told him I wanted him.. but he couldn't say the same back to me. That's ok. I'm enough for me, and I'll be enough for somebody else one day too. 
 

He can be my friend, but the obsessive focus on what I wanted to pursue with him has ended. I don't have to prove my worth to this man, the right people will see it because they will see and value me. 
  

That's enough talking about my friend/former crush M. That focus is turning away from him and back to myself. I’m looking in the mirror again, but not to tear myself apart- just to help my heart grow up in the ways it still hasn’t.