Sections:

Triggered

 How It Feels 

Welcome to Trigger Station! All aboard!!

Now traveling on the Spiraling Downwards in Intermittent Panic-Express! chugga chugga choo choo! 🚂

Next stop is Rage and Hostile Defenses, followed by Excessive Fear and Manic Tears at 11:30.

And of course folks, our final and most frequently visited destination will be to a lovely place we call Self-Doubt, Loneliness, and Shame! Choo chooo! 🚂

If you need to revisit one of the locations, you're in luck! Rumination Railway is open 24/7. We will be following this exact same route in an endless loop until you are ready to depart at Dissociative Terminal!

Full steam ahead! Please remain seated at all times, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. chugga chugga! 🚂

The Heart of My Overwhelm

Although I could summarize this all in one word -fear- ya know I won’t. :P

It started with silence, but the silence wasn’t at fault— nor was my friend. 

Most of the time when it comes to my friend M I can ignore the fear or blame it on a current and imperfect situation taking place. But the truth is..lately the person often projecting and misplacing blame within our non-relationship relationship has been... me.

He's stayed around longer than anyone else. There’s a reason I have no other friends and went years without dating. I’m very avoidant.. When I finally let someone in I end up wanting to hold them so close, but also push them far away.

I am afraid. And it isn’t because of the few mistakes he has made. It isn’t because something is wrong with him. He isn’t cruel to me. The few hiccups in our three year long friendship haven’t been way too much to handle.. Yet I’m still so scared, hurt, critical, and waiting. 

I’m waiting to be shown who I appreciate and care for isn’t real. I convince myself I’ve put it out of my mind, but that part of me bracing myself for total devastation is always there like a dark cloud that’ll block out the sun as soon as I allow myself to enjoy the light. 

Every time I see his name pop up on my phone I’m happy, but also wondering why he’s still here, and how much longer is he going to be willing to stay.

I’m trying to prepare myself for what feels like an inevitable betrayal or departure. I’m waiting for him to look at me and realize I’m just way too much, or simply not worth keeping around.

I’m trying not to repeat the mistake that got me destroyed before. If I accept that M is my friend, that he means me no harm, and that he cares about my feelings—that means it will hurt even more when he goes away.

I care. Which I guess is a very good thing, but at the same time.. it can be a very scary thing too.

Taking Accountability

Taking a step back from analyzing someone else's actions to take a look at my own-again🤪

Apparently I’m in need of another reminder— Unexpected Happiness

What happened to giving myself attention? Good Lord, I'm a mess. It is insane how quickly my progress can turn around and head back down hill. haha 🤦🏻‍♀️ What the flip.

And poor M! At least I didn't take anything out on him while I was spiraling. That counts, right? He didn’t do anything wrong. He is not my boyfriend and he had already accommodated me by letting me know why he would be less talkative for a bit.. He didn’t ignore messages I sent.. He also didn’t say anything cruel when I let him know the quiet was getting to me.

The things I latched onto and tore into throughout those rants were all seen through a lense of absolute terror and animosity towards things that happened long before he and I became friends. 

Yes, he has made some mistakes or been unfair a couple times— but so have I. He isn’t responsible for me not speaking up when something made me uncomfortable. Like how we flirt, which I actually find very fun now. I was falling back into the victim because the memories that got triggered happened to be from a time that I literally was one. But with M, I wasn’t.

He never degraded me or coerced me into doing things. That wasn’t him.. He didn’t hurt me that way or see me as less than human- That was someone else at some other time. I was so panicked..and angry..and sad..and scared..and defensive. My mind was lashing out and tearing apart the only man that had been on it..but my mind was misdirecting many things; too many things. 

M hasn’t been shutting my voice down or gaslighting me. Last year there were touches of that, but none seemed malicious. More so..just avoidant of things that made him uncomfortable. He also apologized and heard me out afterwards. I was so hard on him because I am painfully aware of certain ways I can be tricked and hurt now.

M also didn’t force me to care about him, but I do. I can’t force him to care for me or desire more than friendship with me. However, I do believe he cares about my feelings. He has done countless kind and considerate things for me.

He has been patient with my intensity and even encourages my big emotions.. He has apologized and changed ways of communicating after being made aware of how things impact me. He is a good friend..but in my rants I spoke as though I saw him as an insensitive, oppressive, predatory, emotionally abusive, jerk causing me harm. HE IS NOT.

I projected my last relationship onto his past relationships I know nothing about to justify my illogical fear of him being the exact same as Dean. I attacked. I’m very thankful I didn’t attack him beyond my rants on here. I’m proud I had enough self control and sense to know I was not in a healthy state of mind.

I knew I was triggered. I knew, but that knowledge didn’t make it easier to place my viewpoints and feelings in the proper time or context. I’m still getting panicky at points right now with him being quiet, but it’s not his fault. I’m doing my best to remember this is a me issue..

I’m not reacting to abuse right now. M isn’t abusing me. He isn't Dean. He isn’t heartless. He doesn’t hate me or think I’m pathetic. He hasn’t thrown me away. That was someone else. The voice shaming me for my thoughts, weight, and psychological issues is not M’s, it’s my own. He didn’t cause my current hurt, I’m just in pain from the involuntary reminder silence gives me.

All the situations I described in my chaotic rants were true-ish.. but they didn’t come across to match reality because they were being described as though he were..Dean, my first abusive partner, or people from my childhood. The emotions, both the hurt and the rage were misplaced and made everything seem like the present day issues were much darker than they are. 

Here’s the truth… My friend M is imperfect and has his own struggles, but he has not been mistreating me. He is not an abusive narcissist. He has a few narcissistic defenses—and so do I. He is a good person who does not owe me his heart or sensitivity. However, he very often extends ample kindness my way anyway. He has offered me comfort many times, as well as mercy when I’ve mishandled things.

He deserves more respect than my mind gives him when I’m drowning in a panic or the suffering from a past event. 

The pain I feel sometimes because he doesn’t want me back..that’s not his fault. He isn’t my partner. He hasn’t victimized me. He may have wronged me a time or two well over a year ago..but I shouldn’t hold that against him. That’s not fair. He’s apologized and made changes. I’m just afraid.

It is not my friend’s fault that silence or certain shifts trigger me. I am indeed very needy at times. It’s not his fault. I didn’t do something wrong by being triggered, I can’t help that. I made sure not to send him any hateful messages or blow up his phone freaking out. I remained calm, until I didn’t. 

There was still progress! I communicated with him while triggered. I let him know how I felt without blaming him or sending 100 paragraphs. Now on here..holy hell I tore him and our friendship apart.. but I made it clear the rants were written while I was freaking the fuck out..Or to put more eloquently..while I was hella triggered. The anger wasn’t truly about him or our dynamic at that point.

I wanted to write to relieve the pressure of all those feelings..And then I thought maybe sharing them could show some other reactive person out there that they aren’t the only one who snaps and gets lost in every single hurt they’ve ever felt before.

Holding Him Accountable

Since neither M or myself is perfect, future mistakes will happen. I will call him out RESPECTFULLY when he invalidates my emotions or says/does something insensitive

I am holding myself accountable, but I will hold him accountable too. I know it won’t be solely a me-problem every single time something hurts or triggers me. I know sometimes he will do wrong, and me potentially handling it poorly won’t cancel out his wrongs. If he hurts me or is unfair it will be addressed.

I won’t shift blame or allow it to be unfairly shifted onto me. Neither one of us will get a free pass to indulge in our toxic defenses. 😈

If M does something hurtful I will let him know. But when I feel hurt or outraged, I will also slow down to reflect before responding. I want to trust my gut, and my gut is saying—
My feelings are always valid, so no disrespect or shaming of them will be tolerated. I have real reasons to feel however I do, but that doesn’t mean I always immediately recognize when an upsetting event has triggered my mind to go elsewhere.

I need to take an extra step back to make room for MY own struggles and unhelpful coping mechanisms. Hopefully he will be fair too.🤞 Time will tell, but so far he has been willing to compromise, apologize, and point out my errors without attacking my wounds or deleting me from his life.

I will make sure not to let him get away with poor behavior towards me just because my default setting is self-doubt. I will pay attention and continue writing out messy feelings over circumstances to ensure I do my best in this interpersonal relationship.. because I value it. I value him, and myself.

I will hold myself to the same standard I hold him to, and try my very best not to express my grievances in a hostile manner— except for maybe on here! :P Gotta get that rage and sorrow out somewhere.. I can react in words here..like it’s my filter. haha

Separating Past & Present 

Anyway.. I have to remain aware that sometimes I treat the present like it is the past. I can’t do that because he isn’t the same person and I’m not in the same situation. We aren’t in a romantic partnership. 

Sometimes I need a moment to cool down in order to recognize whether or not an old upset is getting mixed in and distorting my view of a new situation. I am intelligent and introspective enough to realize that, so gaslighting me will fail. I will catch onto it even if there is a slight delay, and I will call M out when that happens. 

I was reactive with my ex..but he was my partner and his gaslighting, stonewalling, and other damaging behaviors were much more intense, inappropriate, and incessant.

M has done uncaring things and been self-centered before, but most of that was back in 2022-2023. His selfishness is not a constant, and he has been able to maintain many positive changes. He also is pretty willing considering he isn’t even my boyfriend. He often takes me into consideration, and he has the ability to realize when he handles something in an unhelpful manner. 

M occasionally struggles with gaslighting to avoid conflict — BUT it is like his knee-jerk reaction. Yet he can very quickly take responsibility afterwards and understand my point of view once I take the time to explain my feelings.. Does that sound like my ex to you??? No.

Got triggered while writing— got off topic, but left it here because ..well, this post is called reactivity after all. so why not. No. M is not just like my ex. 

Dean would never get where I was coming from or make changes to stop inflicting harm. No compromise or compassion was provided. :( He’d claim to understand and care during each hoover, but then abuse and abandon me the moment there was any type of conflict to resolve.. even if the conflict was caused by him refusing to hear me out or comfort me when I was lost.

He’d straight up refuse to provide reassuring words to ease my mental anguish..even if I told him I was just incredibly afraid and needed to know I was safe with him and that he was there for me. I would tell him I was suffering. -That would piss him off. 

His reaction was to lash out at me for daring to be in pain. He would tear me apart and shame me for suffering with obvious complex PTSD symptoms (a disorder he knew I had). He’d call me fucking crazy while I was in the midst of a total crisis. His cold brutality towards my misery made it so much more excruciating. It was an awful experience he put me through repeatedly. 

I thought he of all people would be able to understand and care about what I was going through..because he claimed to have PTSD. My symptoms didn’t make me mistreat him, they left me timid..then absolutely terrified and lost once he turned more abusive.

I was honest with him. I was fair and assumed me and my issues were the problem.. but no matter how much I adjusted my responses and accommodated him nothing got better. 

He’d hurt me with a total lack of consideration and/or demeaning attack—then gaslight the hell out of me and say it was all in my head. That my pain was my own doing or completely imagined because I was dramatic and crazy. 

CAN YOU SEE HOW VULNERABLE MY MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION AND MY SELF-BLAMING NATURE MADE ME TO GASLIGHTING AND NARCISSISTIC ABUSE??

He was heartless towards me. I was eventually pushed so far down by his cruelty and neglect that I wanted to die. He treated me like a huge burden, an idiot, a freak. He told me I was pathetic whenever I let him know I was already drowning in confusion, pain, and terror.

Why did he do that to me? I was always there for him. I tried so hard. And he just..he shattered me in every way. 

When he started telling me I was insane during the first hoover following the main discard, I apologized and tried to explain what was happening to me.— I even sent him a link to a webpage about emotion dysregulation. I was trying to stabilize while experiencing major cognitive dissonance from the abuse on top of all the CPTSD symptoms it triggered. 

It was a scary and overwhelming torture for me. But in response to me starting to have a nervous breakdown he only scolded me then fully stonewalled (not a single word or acknowledgment) while I was begging him to please help me. 

I was begging my partner to just call and speak with me. I literally begged him. Over and over I cried out asking the man who had just claimed he wanted to marry me to please respond to me. I told him I was really scared and no longer knew what was happening to me or what was going on. 

I told him I’d never felt so terrified and disoriented before. I begged him to please help me by simply calling. I wanted to know I was safe and not all alone. I was begging to be spoken to by someone who had told me less than two days prior that he loved me and would never leave me behind again. 

He told me he’d be there for me, but when I needed him most - he wasn’t. Even after I bared my soul and pleaded with him for some mercy and kindness. 

I’ll never forget him mocking my suicidal ideation at one point. It was awful. I would have NEVER done that to him. My ex would hurt me, shut me out, blame me, then throw me in the trash as he turned his back on me like I was never there. Like I was nothing.. And that hurt worse than I’ll ever be able to describe, because I loved him.

I don’t think my friend would’ve done such a thing to me if he were in my ex’s position. M is still here. He isn't a cold, brick wall incapable of caring or recognizing when he makes an error.

Sometimes things go over his head, but I can't exactly fairly judge him for not knowing how to navigate a healthy relationship perfectly when I haven't learned how to have one yet. I think he could be a healthy partner with someone who understands and will stand up for herself when he falters.

I don’t hate Dean, but I have had enough space from our relationship at this point to be able to look over our dynamic and be certain he was an abusive partner. What my ex put me through was indeed narcissistic abuse.. He’s definitely a narcissist, but the severity and causation is not something I can be sure of. It could be from his untreated combat PTSD.. maybe his upbringing and extended time in combat left him with some antisocial traits/disorder, or BPD..or CPTSD and NPD with different manifestations.. Or any other number of things. No matter what, I truly hope he is ok.

M, on the other hand, has a few narcissistic traits but majority don’t appear inflexible. He doesn’t seem to have many, or any, antisocial traits. He has empathy. He is able to care, try, learn, take responsibility, and avoid being malicious. M is not the exact same as my past. 

Our non-relationship relationship isn’t necessarily the healthiest it could be, but it has a lot of good in it. It also keeps getting more stable. That is worth appreciating. He is worth appreciating. I think he has helped me grow a lot as a person. I hope I’ve been able to provide him with positive things too.

Some aspects of being in an interpersonal relationship with someone who has familiar struggles (such as intimacy avoidance and unavailability) have been triggering, but I’m getting better at sorting through things and coping with triggers. 

He has also been gradually getting more emotionally vulnerable, whether he realizes it or not.. Which means he’s facing his own issues and making personal progress too. Good for him 🩷 I’m proud of him. I’m proud of me too.

If being his friend is leaving me with a positive feeling towards myself instead of persistent shame and harsh self-blame, that alone shows me the present is not the same as the past. He isn’t my ex and this isn’t that relationship. 

Sure, M and I do have potential to develop an even stronger connection and could build a more meaningful relationship, but even our friendship in its current state is a good thing.. It is something far more caring and mutually beneficial than my past. 

My friend is a person capable of giving back and loving someone. I believe in him. That can scare me at times, but he is worth a little fear. I’d live triggered if it meant I got to keep experiencing what it is like to have a friend who actually communicates in a reasonable way most of the time.

I am thankful he is who he is, flaws and all. He doesn’t have to want me, and we don’t have to fall in love for me to admire his humanity. He matters to me. If letting someone matter to me is triggering as fuck sometimes or opens me up to potential disappointment—bring it on.

Great things are worth the trouble, and good people are worth all of your effort. 

Panic & Rage Rants

I have been triggered at various levels for several consecutive days now, which is why I've been trying to finish my CPTSD Triggers section all week. Ha. I thought it would help me chill to remind myself what's going on with me. It sort of did! :) For a few minutes..

I wrote everything out as a release while I was caught up in a major panic/rage. It's an unstable and emotionally charged mess.
 
**I’d never send him this crap.**

I am still not sure which of my feelings are being properly allocated. Like, some feel like they are actually directed at my ex… others towards myself, some aimed at the first year of my friendship with M, and as for the rest of them… I don't even know yet. But here it is..

Rant #1: Too Busy
Rant #2: Invalidation Rerun
Rant #3: How Would He Like It? 

Rant #1:

Too Busy

It still hurts to have someone who used to always check in suddenly not give a damn about how I'm doing or how my days are just because his days are full.

It's like I'm no longer here or relevant to him just because he has a lot going on.. But I am still here.. I still have days, experiences, and feelings. I'm a person. I haven't stopped existing just because he finds me less important than the stuff he is doing right now. This is really hurtful.

I get it..he wants to end up married to his work and cool side projects. I'm sure they'll have beautiful children together. Hope that work he prioritizes above all else is still there to fulfill him when it's time for him to retire and go sit at home in his golden years completely alone because he refused to make time for anyone who actually wanted him! Ugh.. sorry.. that's nothing compared to the stuff I wrote during the worst of this.

Getting put on pause makes me feel like I'm being treated as though I'm not a living thing to him.. like I'm not human enough to count. Like I'm invisible. Like I'm nothing to him. Maybe that's how he sees me, he doesn't. I'm no longer here to him. It hurts to suddenly no longer matter enough for somebody to make a little time for me. Ya know?.. 

He has no idea how I'm doing or what I'm up to because he isn't checking in or asking. Like he just doesn't care anymore. He is being so distant. It's cold. I don't like it.

I got used to him seeming to care and acting like he WANTED me around. He hasn't done this crap to me in a long time. 

It is too familiar and I still haven't found a way to stop hurting or feeling so uncomfortably tense. I've tried writing (it provided temporary relief), breathing techniques, distractions, and so on. But the upset won't fully go away. And sometimes there are hours it randomly gets worse. My arms are tingling and my heart rate has been staying way up there.

I'm struggling to sleep. I can't eat or focus easily. I guess at least I might lose a few pounds? ha.. That'd be cool. I guess

I told him how I felt..and he apologized (which I appreciated) but then he carried on doing exactly what I was open enough to let him know was causing me distress -being totally pushed aside/ignored. So.. I guess that's his way of saying "I told you I was super busy and exhausted. So too bad for you and your feelings! I don't really care because I'm only concerned about my own. And that's why I'm not going to change a single thing..it's simply not important enough. You just aren't worth it." Meh..🥺 

Maybe I will finally be able to truly accept he doesn't value me. I thought I had done that last August, but then our communication got solid and remained that way for over a year. I don't know. This just sucks. He's about to lose another one, but not one he wants I guess..so he won’t mind.

He isn't too busy to talk to me, he just doesn't want to talk to me badly enough or care to make the time. He doesn't have to care, but since he clearly doesn't I'm tired of caring about him (in a romantic sense).

He's having fun and getting lots of validation elsewhere through his work and side projects so I'm not on his mind while he is staying stuck in mine. Forget that.

I don't want to stop caring for him as a friend, but I don't want to be shelved for days or weeks just to have him then pop back up flirting right away like he's done countless times before. I'm not for use. I'm not a sexual outlet. I'm his friend who he knows has feelings for him.

I need to be done with all flirty conversations. I've tried before.. but it has been hard to cut off the flirting with someone because feelings are there (on my end at least)

I'm not settling for friends with benefits or some undefined situationship. He is 44 years old! I'm 35! I know what I want!

I don't want to waste my time, or fall for someone who can't even see why his last two partners broke up with him. It’s not because he isn’t lovable or worthwhile, he is both of those things.. It’s just that being neglected by your partner is incredibly painful. 
  
He says "busy goes into overdrive" and I do 100% believe that. The man does so much. It’s actually quite impressive. I know he is busy and worn out. But the way he said it was like he still thinks the problem was his partners not understanding how busy he gets..

Oh good lord sweet man. I adore him as a person, but is he really that oblivious to the fact that if he straight up ignored his girlfriends and their needs for several days or weeks at a time he was a crappy partner?

That would cause any normal partner heartache and a desire to move on and find someone who will actually care about their feelings and well-being.

It wasn't because they didnt understand how busy he was! It was because his inconsiderate, neglectful behavior was emotionally and psychologically damaging.

It is NOT a relationship if you don't prioritize your partner and compromise to show them you care about how they feel too.

It is awful for a man to treat his partner like her feelings only deserve consideration and respect if HE thinks it makes sense for her to feel the way she does.

If you love someone their pain and joy matters to you! He was frustrated that they just couldn't understand why he was so absent. It is like he still can't see it.

They didn’t fail to see how busy he was, HE failed to see that his selfishness and lack of consideration caused his partners to suffer. 

He failed to care enough to make room for their wants, needs, and feelings. He failed to fully integrate them into his life like they were an important part of it. Ya know? That’s how it seems.

His partners felt neglected, unwanted, and hurt.. Even if he didn’t understand or think they should have felt that way.. that was how they felt. How they felt throughout their day mattered just as much as how he felt throughout his.. Yet his dismissive actions showed the only feelings that mattered to him were his own. At least, those were the only ones he considered. 

Did he talk to them and adjust his behavior once they let him know his actions were causing harm?.. OR did he dismiss their feelings, wants, and needs simply because he automatically believed only how he was experiencing the situation was real, rational, and worthy of respect?

The amount of stress, insecurity, and confusion being ignored causes someone.. His dismissive, self-centered behavior is very hurtful.. It isn't just me and his last two girlfriends being "crazy", "irrational", and not understanding just how busy he is.

Give them attention when he wasn't busy, push them aside or put them on pause when he is busy? Like that's an ok, healthy, or normal thing to do to another human being? It isnt. That's straight up neglect, disrespect, and a super painful way to be treated.

If you have a connection with someone and you pull away the emotional disconnect is harmful and will inevitably destroy whatever relationship y’all had. Going hot then cold over and over is cruel and very unhealthy for everyone involved. 

And if the person you are doing that to cares at all about you they will bring up the issue in an attempt to resolve things and heal the fracture and pain the behavior caused within the relationship… It could easily be mended.. if the communication was open, respectful, and considerate on both sides..

But when someone approaches him with how his behavior is upsetting them.. it’s them not caring or understanding his busy life and issues??

No. No. No. That is not those girls doing something wrong or being unreasonable— It is him refusing to take accountability for being a bad partner and hurting their feelings. Maybe THAT is why she was insecure?

Maybe THAT is why she thought he was cheating?—not to mention he may have been emotionally cheating on his last partner with me but saw nothing wrong with it. Instead he said she was being irrational for suspecting anything and feeling unwanted. :( 

NO Mr. Narcissistic Tendencies— your lack of consideration..your inability to see how HURTFUL it is to be treated like you are not there or aren't important enough to prioritize makes a partner feel insecure, confused, hurt, alone, and unwanted.

It kills the emotional connection and human bond to neglect it in such a way. It's not a relationship if you don't nurture it and put real effort in like it matters to you. 

Saying you love someone isn't enough.. Love is a choice, a feeling, AND an action. Many actions, actually. If you say you care about someone then treat them like they don't matter..they will not feel loved or wanted because that's not loving behavior!

If you tell a woman you love her but you are talking about sex and flirting with others over the phone.. That’s not love. That’s damn near pathological levels of selfishness. He said sex has nothing to do with love.. but it does in a relationship!!! Or at least it has to do with caring in a relationship before the love part happens. 

But if he views sex as just the physical mechanics of it.. that’s a reflection of a disconnect and objectification of people… NOT a reflection of me or his past partners caring too much or being crazy for expecting loyalty and emotional intimacy.

Ohhh.. but men don’t need that…

They don’t need anything from a relationship but for a woman to choose them, make them come, and not make anyone else come. He’s said that to me before! Like thats all women and relationships are for.. are you fucking kidding me DEAN jr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? ooooooooo
 

WARNING 

-I RAGED HARD HERE-

Most of the rage I felt while writing this vicious attack in italics was not directed towards M. Some of the outrage was, but the fiery aggression was aimed at something else..
It was a repressed part of me lashing out at the men who have hurt me, used me, forced and abused me. And also at the one who tricked me and broke my heart once I offered it to him.
 
It was my inner rage and disgust with being pushed down, broken apart, and treated like I'm nothing, that came rushing out in the middle of writing about something less upsetting. I'll leave it in so you can see how intense the emotions got.. 

Show some goddamn respect for women as fellow human beings instead of talking like a teenage pig who just realized sex exists!

Just like when he said I should do Twitch live streams for money because I’m hot (or was) Look here! My dignity and right to be more than a lust object still matters, even if you see nothing dehumanizing about telling me to dress sexy and make dudes lust after me for cash! No No. NO. 

How dare you. The disrespect .. The disgusting level of disrespect.. I’m not a piece of ass—even if that’s all you see me as! I am a person! I’m not some inferior thing or gratifying object!! If some men view me as less that’s their twisted pathology, don’t demean me that way ever again. Disgusting.  

Men don’t need anything in relationships and are easier M? hm? All women are crazy but you just have to pick a crazy you can live with, hm? Any other cliche bullshit you got from mentally inept teens or narcissistic dickheads to recite to me!?!?!? 

Grow the fuck up if you think men are easier!

Most psychopathic abusers are men. Does that sound simple and easier to deal with than a woman daring to possess actual fucking humanity and emotions!??? hm? 

Are you scared to get tricked into bed? Raped? Beat? Strangled and shaken so hard you think she’s about to kill you just because she didn’t like the look on your face? Worried you might get locked in a closet? Held down? hm? Are you afraid when a woman walks up behind you in a dark parking lot ? hmmm? Do you have to wonder if she’s safe and normal or a predator sizing you up? Hm? 

Do you have to second guess every single time a woman shows interest in you because she might just want to make use of your body like you’re some stupid little toy? Hm? Would you still think that was a hot kink if it happened to you!???! Or will you actually fucking hear what I’m trying to say when I tell you I don’t think dirty talk about tying me up and leaving me alone in the room all day is a good idea with my history!?? Can you hear me!?? Or are you incapable of realizing I’m an actual human being too!?!?

Fuck you and your “men are just more simple” misogynistic bullshit. Insensitive prick. Stop gaslighting women because you’re scared to be held to a standard that would make you a better man! You could be a fucking wonderful one! You already are other than the insensitivity! 

Don’t treat me like I’m less than you. You hear me?!? Ever. Don’t you dare use and betray me like all I have to offer is your physical pleasure. You understand!? There are shitty men and shitty women! But don’t you claim women are the more difficult ones when most women are psychologically scarred for life by some pathetic excuse of a man!
 

Annnnnnnnnnnd about half an hour later I was out of that more severe headspace and came back to finish in this shakey one. Goodness gracious.. My body was literally exhausted after that fit up there. My muscles felt like I’d worked out. Bonkers. Thank God I kept to myself during that, eh? If only my ex could’ve raged out on paper and THEN spoken to me after chilling the F out. But nooo he had to be a punk and then I was one right back eventually. ha.That man...
 

Stop trying to normalize a sociopathic world just because your defenses have got you a bit chilly. It’s not too late to warm up dear! :( I promise it’s not too late.

Men aren't easier in relationships than women.. That’s what he said..NO you sexist, blame shifting goof ball!—Narcissistic men are just cut off from part of their humanity/emotions and act like a woman wanting a real connection with emotional intimacy is crazy… when that is literally what a healthy, enduring relationship requires! 

We aren't teenagers.. There’s no excuse to lack depth or insult others for valuing healthy communication and healthy relationships.

If every guy he knows is like that then the ..'birds of a feather' cliche exists for a reason. Maybe? I gravitate towards fellow hurt people lol. I’m ok with that. I’m glad to know M. I’m just so frustrated, scared, and .. I don’t even know right now.

Whatever. He can keep being that way, but I don't have to keep enabling it or waiting around for him to grow up in regards to meaningful relationships and emotional connections. 

No. I don’t think he is as immature and vapid as a teenager or full blown psychopath.. I think he is a grown ass man with many traits and behaviors he should be very proud of. He’s not awful or a heartless asshole, but he does have some hurtful traits that seem underdeveloped.. Can relate! Me too boo, mee too! Twinning! ha..

I’m willing to keep trying to work on myself, hear people out, and adjust the toxic behaviors I have. But..is he? Or is he cool to keep his life as is..with emotional disconnect and no partner at his side? It’s his life, he has the right to choose what he wants. But if he wants a partner one day..I really hope he works to consider them the way I know he can. 

I care about him and believe he is just as capable as I am (if not more so!) of being able to recognize and address any of his weak spots. I don’t remember where I was going with this. I need a nap. We have that in common.. I love naps. I’m tired.

Rant #2:

Invalidation Rerun

I'm tense and I'm going to ramble until my heart rate and mind stop feeling so frenzied. Maybe I’ll delete all the madness I’m about to type out or look at it later to see where my upset mind goes. I don’t know.

The shit that went down last year got back in my head again lately because when we talked on the phone in February he brought up how me reaching out to his ex last year really didn't help things between them..

Did I ruin a relationship that was over by telling the truth to a girl who had already left and gone No-Contact with him months prior ? If the truth scared her away..wouldn't that mean she'd been lied to? Or..that she was looking for an excuse to stay away. She ran from a man who can’t shake me lol. That’s kind of funny.. I’m like a loyal puppy or something 🤦🏻‍♀️ Waiting to get pet and finally be allowed up on the sofa. lmao. Pathetic. 

Anyway! I told him I know I shouldn't have contacted his ex and that I was sorry for doing it. (I’m sorry I did that. It was wrong.—I talk about that embarrassing ordeal here.) As I was letting him know why I was hurt and dysregulated by what he did/hid last year, he blurts out a response that minimized what hurt me AGAIN.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Sweet cheeks, why??? Come on now.. He did sound a bit drunk, so I definitely won't hold it against him, but it still got to me! I didn't react to him though.. I remained calm and chatted with him for several more minutes. I enjoyed talking with him. I like his voice and wanted to help. But whatever.

For some reason, him recently pulling away again made the invalidating remark pop back in my head and irk me all over!  Not too sure why.. Maybe because I hope when he is sober he knows what he did last year (leaving me in the dark, lying, and..being too gaslighty) was wrong.
—As long as he can see the errors of that behavior there is hope that he won't do it to me again. You know??.. I don't know. I don't want him to hurt me like that again. I can’t handle being lied to, misled, and caught off guard like that. The rejection was just the cherry on top. I don't want to believe he still thinks I had no reason to be hurt. Because.. it did hurt. I had started to really trust him.

Maybe fussing out my thoughts on it will help me let it go again. I hope so.

So.. his little remark. I had just told him how hiding/lying about what was going on with his ex last year tripped me up— and he blurted out in a friendly tone like "Oh come on, you know everyone has exes"..something irrelevant which completely brushed aside the truth of the matter that what hurt me was being lied to, emotionally manipulated, rejected, AND blindsided by him last year -which I discuss in great detail here— (Closing a Door)

Now, I know he was buzzed and upset while we were on the phone so I'm not mad at him but I'm still mad about what happened last year if he doesn't believe some of his actions were legitimately not ok. There were negative consequences. 

He's forgiven, but something about hearing my experience minimized again just… grrrrrrrrrrr I feel the need to defend myself..to..myself? 

I had a VALID reason to be hurt last year.. But what? Drunk M is implying lying about exes and relationship status is something everyone does and is no big deal???—AKA.. I'm the problem and had no reason to be upset by his dishonesty? Just like how he said I only felt misled because I didn't understand how flirting worked... It was a small comment..but had potential to be a crazy-making one.

Ughh. Does he really still think I had no reason to be hurt last year? Seriously?!? How?!

If so..

No sir! Put those narcissistic defenses down right now and listen here little boy!! I'm ready to indulge in mine for a moment. I want to put him in a class where he has to listen to me go over the importance of empathy and honesty. I'd even wear a cute skirt, glasses and everything while holding a yard stick if it'd get him to actually hear me out and behave himself! 

Last August I was triggered by him doing something he knows damn well he shouldn't have done. Being treated unfairly, deceived, blindsided, then blamed for why I was hurting over it was triggering as heck!!!

His behavior was wrong regardless of my underlying issues. Take responsibility dammit! Please for the love of God don't hurt me and act like the severity of the hurt doesn't count just because my disorder can increase the pain level. If I feel pain it is still there and real no matter how much you think I should or shouldn't feel. I feel it.

Don't take back apologies by re-blaming me! It adds more hurt and cognitive dissonance! Stop it!😡😭

I don't handle invalidation well!! Especially not coming from someone I care about. It flips me out and hurts.

I had a VALID reason to be hurt and triggered last year! I didn't cry and fuss at him solely because I was triggered. The hurt was caused by what he did and that hurt led to triggering. Ya know? I was upset by him doing something he knows he shouldn't have done! 

If the first year or so of knowing me he knew he'd never want me and that he loved someone else, then just kept leading me on because I was willing to talk to him about his sexual fantasies.. That's messed up. :( That's making use of me then downplaying my hurt by saying I just don't get how flirting works.

I get how it works! But I made a point to tell him -more than once- that I was only interested in flirting that way because I liked him ..and he told me he liked me too and that he felt we could work up to being something more one day.. 

Don't future fake me to flirt then treat me like a fool when I get hurt to discover you never even liked me. Ya liar. :( I liked you. 

I would've never talked about sexual things with him, bought certain things for our future hangouts if I had known he was dating someone else or was lying to me just to get some attention. So damn uncool man. especially since he knows I've only ever been used before. How selfish can someone be? I should know better .. .. but I .. ughhhhh

I had a big crush on him. Then I finally talk to him and he says he likes me. We kiss. He says he sees us ending up as a couple. He pulls away. I confront him, then he ghosts me. He comes back months later and we are flirting a lot. We never make plans to move forward.. I ask him about it. He keeps giving these reasons and saying he does like me. I hang on and on and on. Then suddenly he is in love and heart broken over a relationship he never let me know was taking place. I get crushed from being blindsided and the sudden realization I was led on.. Then he gaslights me. He quickly apologizes and we make up. We flirt soon. We talk like maybe one day.. Then lately all he cares about is getting laid and he acts like the last two years haven't ever happened.. and I'm like wtf is wrong with you?? More rejection. Why do I keep trying with him? It makes me sad because he doesn’t want me. I try to rebound to talking with my ex but he isn't there.. I confess to M what I did because I'm not a big fat liar. Then he is obsessed with his ex again but is angry at her and Im wondering.. Will he ever get over that woman. Is she so much better than me or something? She so much prettier and more worthwhile? I mean..she is pretty..but so am I. Sure, she looks naturally slender.. and I’m a little chunky right now.. but I won’t always be.. :( I’m still cute. I’ve got a good face, fun big boobs, and a great heart. mehhhh. Maybe he just thinks I'm a joke or placeholder until he finds someone he likes more… or another frickn ex is willing to relive the past. I’m feeling sad and idiotic right now. I used to think he liked me and was attracted to me.. even when I’m not at my best. I don't know. I guess not. I'm tired.

Rant #3:  

How Would HE Like It?

☠️
BIGGER
WARNING!

-RAGED HARD & BIZARRE HERE-

Some of the frustration from this one is directed at M. for not showing me more consideration at times. —But a lot of the anger is in reaction to myself and the awful hurt from all the other times in my life I was treated like I didn't matter and would never be enough in the eyes of people who meant the world to me. Some might be me projecting my ex onto M too. I don't really know.

I had tried editing it to be less hostile and unhinged because it felt so embarrassing.. I wouldn't talk to M like this, but this is the reality of trauma disorder symptoms. This doesn't reflect who I am or how much my friend means to me. It reveals deep hurts and how reactive my mind can be to certain types of triggers. Like inconsideration, silences, dishonesty, and repeated rejection.

Ultimately I chose to revert this crazed rant back to its raw, manic state. It's extreme and there's TMI.. So if you choose to dive into this chaos..ha. Please proceed with caution. I go OFF—

How would HE like it?

Would he like it if someone he liked prioritized her social networking over him??

Would he enjoy if she made time to post to Facebook and Instagram, go out, talk to other people, get drunk at a bar, watch tv..sit on the couch touching herself but couldn't bother taking a few minutes to check in with him like he still matters to her whatsoever??

Would he have loved if HE had a big crush on me for months.. Then after finally getting the chance to talk to me for a bit he liked me, and I told him I liked him too! I even told him I saw us ending up as a couple after we kissed and touched for hours.. aww 🥰 But then I just abruptly vanished and slept with/dated other men for months.

How would HE like it? How would that have made him feel??

Then I came back and said I was sorry for ghosting him.. then immediately followed it up by saying I also left because the way he sent or unsent a few messages was too annoying to warrant showing him any basic respect.

—Even though he only did that because he was nervous after getting out of a super traumatizing abusive relationship he had opened up to me about…. 

LOL. —But I'm a total self absorbed bitch so I still let him know how nervous he was to express himself when I was being distant and passive aggressive made me ditch his ass without warning or explanation.. Yeah. He DESERVED me to treat him like shit. Thank goodness I made sure to let him know in a subtle "good girl" way.

How would HE have liked that? hmm? 

He would have loved if I was an insanely insensitive asshole towards him! I'm sure of it.

But anyway. The girl he's really liked and felt drawn to showed back up and he's relieved because my behavior was triggering as fuck—since narcissistic, emotionally destructive actions happen to still be a tender spot for him! Oopsie!

But hey.. he has a lot of self-doubt and doesn't want to assume I'm a selfish jerk too just because he's only ever known those types. La la la all is good. I'm not like that, I'm one of the good ones. For sure. 

I'm just a mess too, which me saying means I'm not responsible for any selfish dumbass choices I make or the damaging consequences it has on others. Yay!!!!! I say I'm a mess so I get a free pass because using that warning excuses everything bad I do! 

Yay! Suhweeet. It's good to be me and fuck with people's feelings as collateral damage on my quest to satisfy/numb my own.

Anyway.. look how cute.. he is so glad I'm back. After all, last time I was around I kissed him and said all these sweet things about wanting more with him..bet he has a little hope still.

Ohh.. I gave the excuse again and said I'd just been so sooo busy, but that I'm back and I still like him..Aww he still likes me too, clearly. It's my lucky day! Someone even sexier than me wants me like I am the sun in their sky.. He's adorable and kind. 

Awwwww. I will totally be sure not to appreciate that for anything more than a tiny ego boost.. until I convince myself I'm too good for him again. Tehehehe! Devaluation rocks!!!!

So I exploit that tender crush and care I know he has on me. No, I mean I kindly enjoy the benefits of that to get off during those hypersexual talks he is willing to participate in .. and I suppose the other man (the tall one I actually want) doesn't know this side of me because I wear masks instead of being authentic so I can give and receive healthy love. Teehee . Why else would I have to use multiple people at once? .. I mean, like multiple men at once! uh

Yes. I'm just so confused and don't know what I want.. other than everything and nothing at the same time while not bothering to care about what someone else wants! Tehehehe 

I can't reflect on that because then I'll feel too sorry for myself or angry instead of sucking it up and working on myself for both my benefit and the benefit of those who get close to me. Wait, what? shhhhhhhh no no. Reality ain't real. Shhhhhhhhhhh. Gentle gentle with the sweet vulnerable narcissist. Shhhh shhhh.

Oh wait… crush boy is ok with me having these traits because he has always been around them and mine seem more manageable..and because he sees all my good parts too.. the positive parts of myself.. the great ones I don't give myself enough credit for because I'm too busy trying not to notice the bad parts to realize there’s so many good ones too??

Wow.. that isn't a beautiful quality he has at all to still be able to see who I really am beyond my mental health struggles. Wait what?Ahhhhh I can't be a worthwhile human with some toxic tendencies or a disorder to work on. Nooooooooooo! That would be too awful to confront. Noooooo!

I'll just stay miserable instead while deep down I'm sick of living this way. Smile and say cheese to the world! :) If someone accepts me without my mask on I'll just say I'm not that kind of girl ;) instead of letting them care for the real ME. 

Not like I could just.. work to adjust my damaging behavior to get more positive outcomes. Nah. No problemo because I know the perfect outlet! I'll just role play as a worthless slut in my dirty talks with this sweet man I know has been used like an object before. tehehehehe. What harm can come from that?! Cute! :)

I know he really likes me..so he'll get into it and try to please me because he cares about me and has subconsciously picked up on how that's when I give him the most undivided attention. How sweet ♥️ Aww he likes me!

Awwww he's used to that being all girls want him for so he is like absentmindedly reducing his worth to give me what I want because he cares for me and wants to meet my needs no matter what they are or how they make him feel. omg.. what a codependent sweetheart!! Too bad I just don't want him because I'm and unappreciative dumbass when it comes to building love and a meaningful connection. What, huh? 

Omg look how cute! He is attracted to me and wants to be close to me emotionally and physically! Awwww! So I make sure to stay the fuck away from him for a year or more at a time while stringing him along just because I CAN and he allows it. :)

Bless his big, tender heart.. he has weaknesses that draws him towards people with weaknesses like mine?? Awwww.. I should probably find common ground with him, appreciate him, show gratitude, acknowledge him, maybe even.. spend time with him and be caring towards him.. yeah.. 

He tries to build me up all the time, maybe we could build each other up!? That could become something real. What if.. his strengths are my weak spots, and my strengths are his weak spots? So we could like.. help each other become better versions of ourselves? Sex and companionship would be a plus! yeah! All our intensity and repressed emotion would probably make the sex awesome. 🤔 hmmm. What if I let myself develop.. human feelings and attachment!!??? 

No. No. no. I'll keep him at a distance… I mean.. he's choosing to stay.. So why not keep doing things that would push a healthier person away. Push push, neglect, reject, lie, push, disappear, reappear , push, reject, pull, push, pull neglect reject, reject, reject, reject, reject, reject, reject .. wait what? Holy shit! He is still here for me and likes me. Holy crap I couldn't see that one coming at all even though it is a predictable pattern to cling to painful situations for many people with CPTSD. hmmmm. Interesting. 🤔 That's not very healthy sir. 

For some reason him being a little unhealthy too makes me and my toxic ass too good for him instead of us both being human with some mutual pains in common. Wait no. I'm one of the good ones.. I'm not one of 'those girls' ❤️ tehehe I would NEVER devalue someone awesome like him because my ego is a little insecure, greedy, projecting bitch. 😇 Never!

I'm not too good for him…no. I don't think that way. Yet..I'm going to reject and hurt his heart over and over and over and over. Just kidding. Me and my selfless actions, super sensitive words, and non-narcissistic defenses would never unintentionally harm a sweet wounded soul like his. Nah

Oh yeah. So we kept flirting and talking about how I would spend time with him as soon as work settled down.. Ohh I love how much he adores me and wants me. It's so nice to take for granted and throw away as soon as the lanky man that is nowhere near as exotic looking as he is shows back up.. because the tall man doesn't want me so I have to want him!

I'll let him know I'm interested but just scared and a mess.. I don't want him to go away. Maybe..maybe he and I would work well together. Awww look at that. He seems happier and more hopeful because we made plans and I've been checking in a lot like he matters to me. Awwww .. he's so sweet.

Now let's blow him off at the last minute. Ooooops nothing in the world I could've done to avoid that dickhead of a move.. like tell the truth and not cancel on him. It's ok.. I know he isn't going anywhere. I can sense it. He is desperate for my care now.

Aw. kind little damaged man falling for kind but also damaged meeeeeee. Sigh.. but I'm just too good for him. Even though his behavior in relationships , although imperfect, is 9285860101737491010482010 times healthier than mine.. 

Maybe he could help me out.. Maybe I could actually give back and care too.. Let me hint at it for a bit then disappear and go fall madly in love with someone else without telling him. Teheheheheheheh I'm a little selfish, uncaring asshole when my version of love is involved. theheheheheheheh

Oh no. Too much time is going by, the crush boy is going to get sick of this. Im such an innocent mess. Sigh. Oh wait.. my crazy ex (person I drove crazy and am now obsessed with) I better tell him that my ex is harassing me and won't leave me alone after I rejected him.. even though my ex totally is the one who left my ass behind because he could sense my shady behavior even if I denied what was going on behind his back while emotionally cheating all over the place like a whore with no self control or respect for anyone else I claim I care about. What? No. No way. Tehheheehehehe

So yeah. I told him I liked him and that I hoped I'd be ready in a few months.. then all the sudden I let the sweet man I've had hanging on my hook know that I'm busy and some lame unstable ex is making life hell for me. Project project projecttting. Wait, what? Nah. I'm toxic trait freeeeee suckuh!

That boy is like obsessively in-like with me.. maybe I should judge that when I’m just as guilty of that type of behavior. la la laaaa I'm so lost.. let me be sure to keep throwing my moral-compass of a man crush wayyyyyyyyy over there as I carry on being a selfish, dishonest twat. 

HOW WOULD HE LIKE THAT?

What if after all that shit I did he has no idea I've been such a two faced, disloyal little bitch and I catch him off guard by calling him crying about how the love of my life (crazy ex I said I wanted to leave me alone) just broke up with me and blocked my number??

Then when he is hurt and confused by all of the big contradictions and what they reveal, I tell him he has no right to be hurt because all I did was tell him the truth and nothing ever happened between us anyway! Oh, and I also respond to his pain and shock by accusing him of trying to hijack my sadness!! Would that be a good, simple time for him??

How would HE and his heart feel after being led on, lied to, dismissed, rejected, then blamed for the hurt all of it caused? Would that have been pleasant for him? Would he have liked that?

How would HE like it??

What if after alllllllllllll of that he still had legitimate feelings for me and really cares about mine..and then I just resume going back and forth with them yet again.?

Ok ok.. let's go back a little to something else then..other than me rejecting him over and over for like three years straight. Tehehe
—But not friend zoning him. No no. I say I still like him and am attracted to him to keep it confusing.. so obviously that will protect him from feeling heartache nonstop. Yeah. For sure. Back to me, Mrs. Good girl.

Wait.. are you still there? Omg! How frickn cute! He's still there waiting for me and caring despite all of that? What!? Omg! 

Holy pathological levels of empathy Batman! How convenient! Let me make sure not to make the best of this big heart and patience right in front of me. :)

Hehe. Let me just leave him there an talk about the fucking tall dude that isn't even close to being prettier than him but I still want way more over and over and over again after he told me he likes me and I've been putting him through this for at least two years now. lol. Silly little soft traumatized boy.. so silly. 

I care about you. I'm not heartless.. But there is just something about you being so willing to accept and work with me.. and not to mention you too have mental health issues.. It just all makes you a huge turn off.

—You'd see me? Barf.. 

—You'd understand and offer help.. Yuck! Disgusting ..

—You'd hold me accountable and potentially help me navigate how to nurture an adult relationship. Eewwww fuck you friend! Keep that dramatic bullshit far from meeee!
 
I'm too busy thinking about that person I chose over you. Remember him? Remember how badly that hurt you last year.. hahaha Let me remind you how much more that ex still means to me while I'm the only one you care for. tehehehehehe. Sorry..but nobody told you to care about me.

Also.. I like my ex tall man because he is currently idealized and our toxic relationship is romanticized in my head when in reality it probably left scars on my ex and he's glad it's over. That's why he started a family right away, he was so hungry for love that as soon as he finally got someone who cared about his feelings and made room for them to matter Bam! He was so grateful to finally feel wanted. 

He's moved on. So maybe I should let him the fuck go because if I have any care left for him I should want him to be happy instead of miserable just to satisfy myself.. 

Yea. Maybe I should move on, instead of pouring salt in the sweet doormat man's wounds by bringing that ex up over and over like a jerk who wants to finally push away the hella patient individual who would actually love me back if I could ever take my head out of my own ass crack.

Fuck Mr loyal and appreciative.. Fuck Mr has a good grasp on my psychological profile and knows how to work with and show compassion towards narcissistic and borderline traits when they arent abusing him. Yeah, fuck him! I want that other man.  

Yes.. I want the tall one who just started a family with someone else. That one who is over me and currently fighting, making up, talking, laughing, and touching someone else every single day while I'm over hear pouting and pushing a good person further and further away with my endless stream of rejection of what they’ve clearly been offering me. tehehehe. 

My ex.. the one who wants nothing to do with me and would probably have his entire week ruined if I rudely contacted him after he put down a boundary of no contact.. That's the man for me! The one who ran away and doesn't want me in his life so badly that he started a brand new one full of meaning with somebody else.

Yes.. fucking forget about the one who likes and desires to touch and hold me… I'm in love with the idea of the one I can't have.

Whatever. Fuck the guy who cares about me and would be so happy to spend time around me. Who would frickn light up and be energized just to enjoy my company watching tv or doing nothing at all. Fucking forget about being interested in that sweet, lonely little weirdo with the beautiful baby doll face, open mind, and high sex drive. 

Oh he has a website with writings about being into me from when he first got a crush on me.. well that is odd and childish, but also sweet and super flattering.. hmm

Damn he must have really noticed me for some reason. 

He must see something in me.. 🥹🥰

So I better make sure to let him know I see absolutely nothin special, appealing, or worthwhile in him whatsoever. That's why I can turn him down nonstop like I have limitless options of people way better than this guy that is probably too good for me in all honesty. teheheh. fuck him.
He was gaining confidence..but I just have to make sure to let him know I'M TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED AND UNINTERESTED IN WHO HE IS AS A PERSON AND ALL HE HAS TOLD ME HE IS WANTING TO PURSUE WITH ME. I'M JUST TOO GOOD AND TOO FREE TO GET TANGLED UP WITH A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL PERSON. LET ME ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE SO HE CAN START TO FEEL UGLY AND LIKE HE'S GONE BACK IN TIME TO BE AROUND FUCKING JERK FACE DEAN. huh?/ moving on--

Forget about that messy, sweet, odd, available man that likes me!  I want the toxic past instead of making a better present and happier future with this willing participant I've been turning my nose up at for three years. pftt. Teheheh.. I'm so sweet. I'm sure if my friends all saw him they'd be like..yeah you could do wayyyyyyyyy better. Even though he’s like super pretty. I'm apparently a shallow prick who can't deal with someone gaining weight from being triggered and stressed the fuck out for 3 years straight! Even though I’ve gained some too! Asshole. I mean. NO. Fuck it. 

So this guy wants me, huh? hmm. Ya know what- I'd prefer to keep running from having to see my true reflection in his raw emotions because of how genuine and dang hypersensitive he is.. God.. I can't care for someone if parts of him make me see myself. Fuck that soft guy who could help, accept, and commit to caring for me authentically. 

Fuck that. I want that other man…let me make sure to tell mister mushy heart all about that! I'm sure I can have babies in a decade or two when I'm ALMOST ready for it and all the fertile potential partners are too young to be interested in my middle aged ass. Yeah I have allllll the time in the world to waste everyone's time and act like they aren't good enough for to occupy mine. teheh

Oh emm geeeeee! Awww, chubsters is still waiting and trying to reassure me and build me up when I'm struggling.. awwww! What a sweet little lap dog he is. He's listening to me express how someone else has my heart. I'm sure that's not painful for him at all. :) But ya know what I want that tall ex boyfriend that I idealized to want me.. not this fellow 'broken' person I have wanting and willing to accept, love, and work with me as we heal. Fuccccck him. I mean, what? 

Yah know what… maybe I should give sweet gorgeous imperfect man a try.. He is actually a wonderful person .. he has some issues, some BIG emotions and even bigger tits... but I mean, he's not stupid or malicious.. 

He is pretty funny, artistic, and capable of really caring for my well being.. I mean.. maybe I should cave in and finally 'settle' for this man I should feel lucky wants me so passionately .. Yes.. 

I guess I do like him a little.. and he wants me.. and he is sticking around even though I've been a complete dipshit towards him numerous times.. hmm. Maybe I should.. yeah. He could actually be good for me. hmm

I mean. No. No way. I can do better. I can stay exactly as I am even though being this way makes me want to quit life nearly every day. tehehehe. I make great choices. So does he..that’s why he wants a shot with me but I'm toooooo stupid to give him my time. Teeheeheheheheheheeheheehe!

I'M A UNGRATEFUL DUMBASS. TURNING DOWN A LOVELY PERSON BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE BITCH TOO SCARED TO MAN UP. 

WAIT, what if I told him I liked him but needed time..so we focused on our friendship while flirting a little still. That way I don't have to decide yet..because choosing something positive instead of sitting around being a selfish malcontent is so much more fun. Positive change and not being a jackass sound too challenging. BUT..I don't want him to go away either.. hmm. 

What if I mentioned wanting to lose weight but struggling to find the time and not having much exercise equipment.... and so he offers his extra treadmill (and to include a customized Lego figure of me he made because I kept talking about making Lego sets and he thought it would be cute for me to have a lego me to put on the sets I've built and shared pictures of..) but then he accidentally fucks up his back…and the back injury ends up taking a long time to heal because he had underlying health issues he wasn't aware of .. but he's happy because he wanted to do something nice and I kept telling him I want to see him as soon as he is better..Aw he likes me so much.

I keep talking to him practically everyday and sometimes we have deeper conversations about feelings.. and about what we both really want .. our own homes with a yard..dog and family.

Sure, I never tell him I want those things with him.. but hearing it just makes him wonder if like maybe one day.. since they both like each other and apparently want the same end goal..maybe?  Maybe something will finally happen between them since they have both improved on things and gotten to know each other even better! 

They've been through some stuff without even being physically around each other! So maybe.. Especially since I'm being so sweet to him..checking in, opening up, making accommodations, adjusting communication and just really seeming to be a decent person who cares about his feelings and likes him a bit too. Aw he is proud of me? aww. 

But then a few months into the hurt back..and me telling him I want to see him as soon as he felt better I'm suddenly like… ya know what.. I really need sex and he can't give it to me right now so I am going to get on dating apps to hook up with a stranger… Fuck allllll of this and how much he likes me! Fuck how sweet, forgiving, supportive, cute and interested he has been in me for the last few years! Fuck it all!

Fuck his feelings!

Fuck how I told him deep down I want a home and my own family.. Fuck alllllll of that desire for a life with purpose and meaningful connection!

Fuck it because getting off and avoiding some sexual frustration is more important and I never actually wanted him.. I only used him for his attention from time to time and also to keep someone willing to potentially sleep with me around.

I show I don't value him whatsoever and that my top priorities are work, image/higher pay with more success', and sex. In other words..to find out the woman he genuinely likes and cares for has top priorities that translate as— "Me. me. ME" "I care about ME—not you, and I never will." "I always have lived for MYSELF and I'll say I'm lonely whilst I continue not making room in my life to let in anybody else!!!!"

How would that make him feel??

How would that rejection, lack of care, and my ease with switching him out for something more readily available like he is nothing to me make HIM feel after everything?? Hm? 

How would he feel if he had actual feelings for me and valued me and then I made it clear all I wanted from him was sexual gratification and a distraction? How would HE feel? Maybe he'd like that if he has no true emotion.

Lucky me he has been so triggered and injured that he has been hidden at home.. But I bet as soon as he is back in the world and other people are attracted to him because he’s fucking beautiful I'll get jealous while they are loving and fucking his brains out and I'm still choosing to go nowhere while all my friends get distant because they are actually building meaningful relationships and a life of purpose instead of distractions and ego boosts.

OK SO LET'S MOVE OVER TO SOMETHING SMALLER THAN THE REJECTION AND GETTING MISLED.

LET'S COVER HOW HE WOULD LIKE IF I WAS SUPER INSENSITIVE TO HIS HISTORY?

What if he told me he'd only been with abusive partners.. and even owned up to a history of SA.. and then I proceeded to discuss sexual fantasies in which I dehumanize him and leave him tied to a bed all day with no choice in the matter, because I'll just use his body throughout the day.. How would he like that sort of kink if he had been in a situation with no choice or ability to move before.. hm? Would HE still be ok with it or want that?
 

What about if he told me politely that being dehumanized that way would be too triggering for him… but in response I brushed it off and said "no, it's not dehumanizing..it's more so just about the anticipation of not knowing when I'm going to come in the room and have my way with you" Hm?

—- What if when I started repeatedly talking about how my biggest fantasy is to role play as a naive, innocent girl who gets taken advantage of and used up by a dominating man who only wants to have his way with me like I'm a whore or toy for him to degrade and make obedient… And after he first hears that he tells me. "so..you are wanting to pretend to be…like..me??" And I say "haha, I guess kind of."

What if he kept participating in that kind of dirty talk that sometimes triggers him even though he is enjoying my company and saying things to please me.

What if he kept doing that role play talk because he knew I liked it.. and he liked me so damn much that he really wanted to please me and consider my desires.. What if he started being able to get into your interests to because of how much he loves doing things FOR ME. He rationalizes why it is ok to be uncomfortable at first..and later thinks, you know what.. this could be some form of exposure therapy for me! :)

So he works on getting into that style of flirting with me, and eventually even enjoys it most of the time! It’s fun! He’s exploring. He is like, opening up by discussing sexual things in a more expressive way than ever before. Look at him.. knocking down walls and growing while getting to satisfy the person he cares for.— Cool stuff!

To him it is letting his guard down and not something to do with everyone or any willing person! He likes who he is flirting with.. He has told me he likes me..and I said I liked him too.. I have already hurt him by being a lying bitch before..and he's been faithfully waiting for me forever. 

Wow! just to then find out I never liked him at all and could swap him out with a stranger like he was absolutely nothing!!!!!!?

How that happened was I got this GREAT idea to be a total unfeeling jackass—

Ya see.. last year I told him I needed to wait like 18 months to be over my ex and be ready for a relationship again..(just like the time before that I had him waiting for summer to arrive so we could hang out. but then i got back with my ex the moment summer arrived ehehehehe)

--Well now that those 18 months have gone by .. with sweet Mr. Patient hoping and waiting..liking me in all my imperfect glory.. well now is the PERFECT TIME to tell that traumatized, sweet, interested, hopeful, lonesome, wonderful little guy I'm lucky to have around that I am wanting to have sex with strangers! YAYAYAYAYAYA YAY YAY. I'm such a lovely person with a big heart that just punched his. tehehehehehehe

OMG I HAVE AN EVEN BETTER IDEA. After I tell him I'm ready to have meaningless sex with all sorts of people even though he has been wanting physical intimacy with me..and having that would be very difficult for him but also wonderful to have the last person who touched him be a a supposed friend who likes him instead of the ex who made him wish he were dead.

But fuck him willing to be vulnerable, wanting me for more than my body and caring..and sharing.. and being open..

FUCK ALLLLL THAT! I am going to show him how what means something special to him means absolutely nothing to me. :D tehehehehehe

I'm a slut with no morals or meaning.
teheheheheh I just want to get off even though I could do that with my own hands instead of treating people like objects and increasing my odds of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. tehehehehe.
 
 SO AFTER I tell him I just want to fuck. ..doesn't matter who. He then, in his butt hurt state, still tries.. He puts himself out there. He tells me how he feels.. how me being interested in sleeping around and just trading him out for anyone I can get my hands on makes him jealous and hurts his heart.. SO WHAT DO I DO? Teeheheheheheheheheheheheehe

WELL AFTER THAT TRIGGERS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM SO BADLY HE BREAKS NO CONTACT WITH HIS ABUSIVE EX WHO ALSO TREATED HIM LIKE HE WAS NOTHING. HE WAS SO DAMN SAD, HURT, AND CONFUSED THAT HE BROKE NO CONTACT AFTER OVER A YEAR OF HOLDING STRONG. ..

OH NO.. BUT HE HAS AN ACTUAL SOUL..SO HE FEELS GUILTY AND TELLS ME WHAT HE DID..AND WHAT DO I DO IN RETURN? WHAT DO I DO? I START TALKING ABOUT MY FUCKING TALL EX ALL OF THE TIME RIGHT AFTER I HURT HIS HEART TALKING ABOUT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE..AND HE TOLD ME HE ONLY WANTS ME.

NOW SUDDENLY IM STILL IN LOVE WITH MY EX AND COULD MARRY THAT PERSON ... BUT HIM.. HAHA.. HE WAS JUST SOMEONE I COULD FUCK— NOTHING MORE.. TEHEHEHE

DOES THAT HURT? GOOD BECAUSE I'M READY TO GIVE HIM SOME MORE REWARD FOR CARING ABOUT ME. TEHEHE

OH IT IS VALENTINES DAY ..I HAVE ANOTHER BRILLIANT IDEA! I'M GOING TO TELL THE MAN WHO JUST SHOT HIS SHOT WITH ME AFTER ALL THE BULLSHIT I'D DONE TO HIM THE YEAR BEFORE.... WELL WHEN HE CONFESSED HE LIKE ME AND WAS JEALOUS I DID SORT OF LET HIM KNOW I STILL WASN'T REJECTING HIM AND LIKED HIM..

SO ON LOVE-DAY I HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT FOR MY LOYAL PUPPY DOG!

TEHEHEHE. HIS POOR TENDER HEART HAS BEEN SO LONELY FOREVER.. AND THEN HE GOT TRAUMATIZED BY HIS LAST RELATIONSHIP.. AND NOW HE IS IN A FRIENDSHIP WITH A LIAR WHO PLAYED WITH HIS EMOTIONS.. COUGH.. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT..HE IS MY FRIEND.. AND I STILL THINK HE IS A WONDERFUL PERSON..

SO ALTHOUGH I KNOW FOR A FACT HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME AND I HAVE CRUSHED HIM BY CHOOSING MY TALL EX OVER HIM AND BLINDSIDING HIM BEFORE..AND JUST HURT HIM AGAIN THE OTHER NIGHT REVEALING ALL I VALUE IS SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.. .

WELL HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO MY SWEET LITTLE CODEPENDENT FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO BRING UP HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS MY FUCKING TALL EX.

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINES DAY BOO! YOU STUPID FUCKING LOSER I HAVE NO DESIRE FOR!

I KNOW YOU CARE FOR ME AND ARE LONELY TOO.. BUT FUCK THAT.. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY BUDDY!! 

NOW HERE’S A SWEET GIFT—
THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH I WILL NEVER WANT, LIKE, OR LOVE YOU AND HOW MUCH I’M STILL UP MY EXES ASS EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T FUCKING WANT TO EVER SEE OR HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. 

I’LL SIGN THE CARD TO READ, “LOVE, CARELESS LITTLE SELFISH BITCH 🖤!!!!!!!!!”

How the hell would HE like it!???!?

LET'S GO BACK TO SOMETHING ELSE AND SEE HOW HE'D LIKE THAT TOO!

What if at the start of him talking to me I told him things I wanted to try after saying how I really like him.. and even though he double and triple checked with me before purchasing $500+ worth of outfits and stuff for the bedroom, once he actually bought a bunch of stuff I suddenly pulled away.. and kept cancelling plans or avoiding to make any solid ones..

THEN when he told me it confused him and he was hurting I brushed it all off by saying "ok. I will make sure to be more aware, since you can't just tease to tease :P" .. then I continued blowing him off and eventually ghosted him entirely..

How would HE like getting mentally and emotionally yanked around like that, and then get blamed for the resulting confusion and emotional distress?? hmmm?

How would HE like it? Ughhhhh

Would all of that be pleasant for him?

How would his heart have felt if it were in my position this whole time???? hm?

Does he even realize my feelings matter just as much as his do? I hurt too. I've been through shit before too. I'm an entire person. He isn’t the only person trying to get by and feel alright inside. He’s not the only one.. :(