The following is what fell out of my head on 2/2/21 - 2/3/21. I wrote, folded the pages, and went about the rest of my day hoping for the best. Then the shit hit the fan on the 4th when he started refusing to discuss something upsetting he had said the evening prior.
 

I needed him to allow healthy communication to resolve the conflict, provide peace of mind, and restore balance to the relationship he claimed he wanted more than anything.
Instead he did what he always does:
 —  He said insensitive, cruel, & triggering nonsense.
 —  Got aggravated when his words negatively impacted me.
 —  Stonewalled me instead of helping repair the damage.
 —  Then discarded me after I reacted/ begain to spiral.

Sections:

• Tired
  
• Silence

• Fear

• What If

 Tired 

I know I'm not supposed to wait on change, and should accept what is when it hurts... So what's wrong with me? Why is my heart still his?
 

The fear, shame, and guilt. Who am I letting down? And why do I care the least of all if it's me?
  

What do I do? How can I know??
 

How can I trust, choose, or be certain if I currently hate and doubt my own mind and emotions? 

I don't trust me. I feel frozen.

I just want sincerity.
 

Does he love me? Can he?
 

Am I just back in the cycle with tensions building?

Do I know anything? 
 

Is there hope? 
 

What's wrong with me? And what did I do? 
 

Am I worthless for being in love with you? 
 

I see so much in you, but at this point I don't trust my own sight.
  

Help me. 

I want to be myself again, but I still want you to be my best friend.
  

I feel so afraid, so stupid, stuck, lost and lonely.
   

Help me. 

I'd really like for you to help me, instead of tearing apart my pain until it becomes something so much worse.
 

I'm somebody. I am strong.. or I was. Right now I am just misery and fear with a baffling form of hope fused in.

Help me.

I am so tired of hurting. Tell me more isn't fast approaching. Tell me it’s safe.
 

Did you mean what you said? Are you really going to stay?
 

Please help me.
Tell me what to do. Apparently I'm still pretty good at listening to you.
 

I'm so tired. 

 Silence 

My head is loud. My heart is pounding. 
 

The mix of emotions from frantic anxiety to steadfast devotion.
  

I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to hurt me. I don't want to say the wrong thing.
  

This isn't to blame, it is just the truth and it's why I am so scared to simply talk to you.
  

So many times when I needed you to hear me, you'd pretend I wasn't there. Times when I was scared, you'd tell me I wasn't playing fair.
  

Times when I shared joy, you'd respond about something else, like whatever I said was never said and didn't even matter.
  

Times when I poured my heart out, put all my worst fears aside to share the deepest thoughts in my mind, you'd reject and tear them apart so fast and so viciously that I still have too much suppressed inside. 
  

I feel sharing is pointless. I feel pressure to stop talking, laughing, and enjoying the little things.
  

When I share I feel ashamed, irrelevant, annoying, crazy, unwanted and inconvenient. 

You’ve shown me numerous times that me without thoughts and emotions is precisely what you prefer. 

If I cannot be heard no matter how hard a I try, then all that’s left for me to do is learn to be quiet and feel too ashamed to express what’s keeping me trapped in my mind. 
 

I don’t know how to speak freely anymore, but I do know that silence used to not feel like a painful chokehold.

 Fear 

I thought I knew. Every time you go, the little I know becomes something I can't trust I ever truly knew.
 

I thought I knew you, until I didn't.
 

I was so sure of what was between us, until that 'us' was gone and unrecognizable. 
 

So much confusion from so many contradictions.
  

What's wrong with me?
 

I know I am kind. I know that I try. I know I have a mind..but where is it? 
 

Why has it become so scrambled that I feel it's barely there? 

I'm so scared. My heart won’t slow down, a few months ago you had me wishing it would stop. Now here you are again.

My mind, what I can find of it, is full of sadness, fear, exhaustion and shame.
 

I feel like I have failed. I'll fail either way. 
 

If I am right about the past and you don't care about me, I have jumped right back into a doomed fall.
 

But if I am wrong, then I hurt you somehow by not believing the way I did before you broke me again and again. 
 

I still want l to give you everything you need, to fight with whatever I have left. To fight for you wouldn't be the actual failure. I'm the failure.
 

The fear won and I’m at a loss—I am lost.

What If

I want you to have more peace and see the point and purpose of your life.. But what if this is it, or something close to it?
  

What if this is as good as it gets? Can you be grateful for what is?
 

What if today is our last day? 

Will you still be too busy with your responsibilities to notice that the one you placed at the very bottom of your list wasn't guaranteed to always be around to complete once things got easier?  
 

What if we only have a year, a day, a week, a month? Where will ‘we’ fall in importance? 

Will I still be ranked below that horrible frustration you feel inside?? Will your pride keep being prioritized over your mental health and me too?
 

What if the only prize you get for denial is a lonely life you hate more than the one you were originally hiding from? 
 

Running, running, running. 

Seeing all that isn't right.. resenting everything that is not as you think it should be..  
 

What if always fleeing makes you remain stuck in the same endless loop of dissatisfaction?
 

What if you actually slow down? If you stopped searching for more, maybe you would come to find you have an abundance of goodness to appreciate already. 
 

What if the reason nothing ever feels like enough is because you aren’t open to seeing what’s truly there? 
 

What if your hurt, anger, and fear have you blind to all that can bring you pleasure, joy, and security?
 

What if while you're stuck angry over how better hasn't arrived yet, you let what could be the best thing in your life become nothing but another regret? 
 

What if this life is harder for some than it should be? 

What if knowing that makes the good moments and opportunities around us seem like not enough or like something that slows down getting to what's 'better?'  
  

What if I am a really good thing?  

What if my heart, support, mind and company are worth more than the false comforts and certainties you seek?
 

What if you pause your disappointment and frustration with what’s wrong long enough to see what is right, as well as what is right in front of you?
 

What if I tell you I believe in you..and that everything can be ok?
 

What if I tell you that it will never be the absolute best or all you've ever dreamt of… but that a messy, difficult life can be unimaginably wonderful and worth appreciating? 
 

Can you see and appreciate me even if you aren't where you think you should be? 
  

Can you make plans, take deep breaths and set goals while still cherishing what you already have?
 

Can imperfect be enough?
 

Am I enough?
 

More importantly, do you think you are enough? Because you are.