Written: 8/2020
He Just Drove Away
He came to pick me up one evening for a celebratory date because we'd finished taking the last of our final exams. We hadn't seen each other in two months due to quarantine. He texted "Yo, I'm here," then immediately called. I heard my phone ringing from across the house but didn't reach it in time. So, after running to my phone I tried to call him back. No answer, so I texted, "coming." I glanced out the window and saw his headlights. I was so excited! I had spent all afternoon getting pretty in anticipation of seeing my boyfriend.
I had previously disclosed my CPTSD and how abrupt abandonment deeply terrified and hurt me.. I began to feel consumed by panic. I was thrown into an unforeseen nightmare, when I was expecting the night to be something wonderful.
I began to cry. I was suddenly caught up in countless negative emotions all at once.
I sent messages apologizing for making him wait, for my "overreaction", for bothering him and being so needy. I eventually made him a pros & cons list about everything I loved about him and our relationship vs. the complications. I only put my behaviors (which were all reactions to his) placed on the negative side of the chart..
I apologized again for making him feel attacked by "unloading" all of those emotions on him like that..that I should've been more considerate and known it was going to overwhelm him..
No, I didn't do the stereotypical thing and bring all that up at once. I always tried to discuss each incident as it happened in real time, only to be faced with more hurt, his rage, followed by me being "punished" by him refusing to talk to me for days because I had dared to defy him with questions and concerns. That I had the audacity to try to hold a conversation -or beg for one- with him about things that mattered to me.
Our communication had been strained. He said it was due to a personal tragedy which triggered his combat PTSD, and the stress of us being apart. I held on to hope throughout all of the ghosting, aggressive accusations, direct insults and his refusal to call. I held on waiting for the return of the incredible chemistry and communication we had in person, like on our first date.
I just knew all of the pain and longing would be worth it, and that everything would be fixed once we were finally back together in person.. I KNEW that sweet, compassionate man who adored me would finally be back as soon as we got to spend time together again. He explained all of his cruelty away prior to asking to see me that night.. He said he missed me, and I missed the hell out of who I thought he was too!
After texting him "coming." I ran down the hall to grab the gifts he knew I had gotten for him. I’d put them up high to keep them out of my son’s reach. My short self had to use a chair to climb up. After I got the gifts down I stopped for a moment to check my reflection because I wanted to look perfect for him.
I rushed outside after I gathered everything, but I no longer saw his headlights. I assured myself he must've just turned them off. I hurried down my dark driveway, only to find his Jeep nowhere in sight. My heart sank.
I put his gifts down to check my phone and the time logs for the texts and calls.. I had responded within one minute of the missed call, I had seen his headlights less than five minutes ago. I took a deep breath and remembered how he'd always tell me I'm too dramatic and that I always push blame on him..
So, I called right then -no answer- I left a voicemail asking where he had gone. "Did you go to get a soda(he drank them constantly) or cigarettes??" I was still assuming he'd be back, so I spoke playfully about how much I was looking forward to seeing him and to please hurry back. I apologized for missing his call and if grabbing his gifts took too long(it didn't).
SOOOooooo..I then texted funny flirty texts "Where'd you go? Get your sexy ass back here, I miss you so much! ;)" NOTHING.. Still standing outside, I tried to call once more, but it went straight to voicemail.
I waited for over half an hour out in my driveway just in case he had a good reason to rush off..(He ALWAYS had an amazingly good reason when he hurt or ignored me.) in case his phone died, or he only ran to the store, or simply had an emergency at the worst possible time.
Eventually, I realized he was not coming back... I was deeply hurt, confused, desperate for kindness and understanding.
I had previously disclosed my CPTSD and how abrupt abandonment deeply terrified and hurt me.. I began to feel consumed by panic. I was thrown into an unforeseen nightmare, when I was expecting the night to be something wonderful.
I had been missing him so badly. I had been incredibly excited about the thought of seeing and touching him again for the first time in months.
I began to cry. I was suddenly caught up in countless negative emotions all at once.
I started pleading with him via text, asking what happened.. Telling him something like.. “I hope everything is ok. I'm sorry if I'm being selfish, it's just my anxiety issues again..(he had convinced me that if I assumed he’d done something bad It was all in my head-but it wasn’t, he was indeed doing the horrible things I feared.) but I'm scared to think you just left due to impatience. Worried that I wanted to see you far more than you wanted to see me. Please tell me you wanted to see me more than that after telling me how much you missed me over the past two months. Please come back, I'm sorry I took so long and missed your call. I had changed your ringtone and I didn’t hear it right away. I hope you didn't leave out of anger."
It was pitiful, in a heartbreaking way. And it was pitiful that he would do something so cruel to me. I sent a total (including funny one liners at the start) 26 messages by midnight, and attempted to call four times (left 1 Voicemail.)
It was pitiful, in a heartbreaking way. And it was pitiful that he would do something so cruel to me. I sent a total (including funny one liners at the start) 26 messages by midnight, and attempted to call four times (left 1 Voicemail.)
HE THEN DIDN'T CONTACT ME FOR OVER 48 HOURS.
I sent messages apologizing for making him wait, for my "overreaction", for bothering him and being so needy. I eventually made him a pros & cons list about everything I loved about him and our relationship vs. the complications. I only put my behaviors (which were all reactions to his) placed on the negative side of the chart..
I apologized again for making him feel attacked by "unloading" all of those emotions on him like that..that I should've been more considerate and known it was going to overwhelm him..
HIS RESPONSE:
"All of this has made me question whether or not I even want to be in a relationship now." "I'll be in touch."
He said “I’ll be in touch” a few times throughout the relationship— It was always like a slap to the face.. He might as well have said “You aren’t important enough to deal with right now..maybe later if I have nothing better to do.” Made me feel like I was nothing.
He texted me that evening and said my pros & cons list was sweet. He then explained, "I just can't take you always unloading on me like that and all of the blaming!." At this point, I had not criticized him as a person yet.. I'd mention how his words or behavior made me feel, and want to discuss/resolve any issues. I never accused him of doing wrong, I only stated exactly what he did, why I felt hurt, and how I wanted to understand what happened so we could work through it—
incidents like:
- refusing to answer the phone, leaving out of the blue,
- joking about cheating on me with a girl 1/2 his age & gushing over her hair & their conversations & how much she wanted him repeatedly,
- talking about how much he loved the way his ex's hair smelled & that she was manipulative & still wants him & was trying to convince him to go over to her place at night,
- how he'd make plans and not show up or even explain why,
- how he'd ask what I wanted to do and say "completely up to you" & literally right after I made a choice he'd say we were doing the other option,
- telling me he wasn't falling for my "manipulative bullshit",
- telling me I was pissing him off and to "f*cking stop with the dramatic bullsh*t to try and make me talk!" because I texted him after being taken to the hospital via ambulance because I had COVID,
- & on & onnnnnnnnn.)-
My emotions had been on such a roller coaster and were finally at the top again earlier that evening (before he drove away). It was a relieving and well-deserved emotional high because he made it seem like everything was about to get back to ‘normal’ again..
He ignored me for days after that incident and had then broken up with me for wishing to discuss it-to find out what I did wrong and what WAS wrong...I responded to the abrupt break up with kindness and told him "it isn't what I want, but I respect you and your needs. I'll always care as I promised since day one. Take care," To which, he immediately replied with a changed mind and said "This isn't something I'm happy about, I just can't see any other way right now.”
He agreed to stay in a relationship, if I could take it nice and slow...which made NO sense because he was the one who rushed all of the verbal, emotional, and physical intimacy in the first place!
The very next day after the mini-break up over my “lying” and “crazy” was the last day of finals..He, a 40 yr old man, talked about speaking to the 19-yr old girl again..said she called to get help with finals. He changed the subject and thrilled me when he said he missed me and wanted to set things right. I was thrilled when he said he wanted to get together to go for a walk and see each other again- FINALLY-This was on the very same day that he would later vanish by leaving me confused alone in my driveway without any idea where he'd gone..or why.
Each time, I just wanted to talk about my reaction/hurt feelings and try to understand what went wrong , and what I could do better. I always thought I could do something better to accommodate HIM..but he constantly accused me of selfishness and "pushing blame". All while he managed to escape any responsibility for his poor actions..or as he refers to responsibility- blame. Have mercy!🤦🏻♀️
He could fail to show up for a date, and refuse to ever call or respond to my texts, but he found it absolutely outraging and grounds for abusive punishment (stonewalling/ gaslighting) when I took “too long” to walk outside as he was picking me up for a date!?
He never told me he was heading over. He hadn't even given me a specific time to expect him in the first place! And he didn't answer when I called him right back after missing his call. (I had called him right back, because I was going to tell him what I was doing, and that I would be out to meet him in a few minutes.)
BUT I was expected to immediately rush outside to meet him when HE happened to choose to show up, on HIS schedule..WHAT THE HELL ABOUT MINE!?!???
What about my standards? My needs? My time? What about the major inconveniences he constantly caused me?? What about me?
He never told me he was heading over. He hadn't even given me a specific time to expect him in the first place! And he didn't answer when I called him right back after missing his call. (I had called him right back, because I was going to tell him what I was doing, and that I would be out to meet him in a few minutes.)
What about my standards? My needs? My time? What about the major inconveniences he constantly caused me?? What about me?