My head is loud. My heart is pounding. The mix of emotions from frantic anxiety to steadfast devotion.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to hurt me. I don't want to say the wrong thing.
This isn't to blame, it is just the truth and it's why I am so scared to simply talk to you.
So many times when I needed you to hear me, you'd pretend I wasn't there. Times when I was scared, you'd tell me I wasn't playing fair.
Times when I shared joy, you'd respond about something else, like whatever I said was never said and didn't even matter.
Times when I poured my heart out, put all my worst fears aside to share the deepest thoughts in my mind, you'd reject and tear them apart so fast and so viciously that I still have too much suppressed inside.
I feel sharing is pointless. I feel pressure to stop talking, laughing, and enjoying the little things.
When I share I feel ashamed, irrelevant, annoying, crazy, unwanted and inconvenient.
You've shown me numerous times that me without thoughts and emotions is precisely what you prefer.
If I cannot be heard no matter how hard a I try, then all that's left for me to do is learn to be quiet and feel too ashamed to express what's keeping me trapped in my mind.
I don't know how to speak freely anymore, but I do know that silence used to not feel like a painful chokehold.
Help me.
I want to be myself again, but I still want you to be my best friend. I feel so afraid, so stupid, stuck, lost and lonely.
Help me.
I'd really like for you to help me, instead of tearing apart my pain until it becomes something so much worse.
Help me.
I am so tired of hurting. Tell me more isn't fast approaching. Tell me it's safe.
Please help me. Tell me what to do. Apparently I'm still pretty good at listening to you.
