The difficult man you love has shown back up and gotten you overwhelmingly conflicted. It has been a very tumultuous relationship.. He has been gone for four months. Last time he was around he did what he always does— he hurt you.
All the major holidays have just passed without him, and you thought about him during each one. He is someone you wanted to marry and have children with- at one point you thought there was going to be a baby.
You thought there were going to be a lot of beautiful things, but he destroyed everything and ran. Now he is back in the world he broke apart. He even went to therapy with you! Could he mean it!? Could you have been wrong about him..
You start thinking.. maybe he does care! You thanked him repeatedly and cried tears of joy and told him all about your appreciation..(because he has never really done anything for you. You're shocked.. but finally in a good way?)
Here he is, the man you loved after you thought you would never love again. You wanted to see him immediately. Sure..you know it isn't a good idea.. You now know he has been very abusive.. You know he will do it again and go..but for SOME REASON, you can't tell him no..because a big part of you doesn't want to tell him no.
When he comes back all of those wounds, the ache, misery and at many times sickening numbness.. it temporarily gets a little less heavy.. maybe even forgotten for a few moments..
You feel comforted... more whole. The denial kicks in.. followed by the familiar, foolish but oh so stubborn hope. When you two get together it is awkward, but better than all the time before when he was gone.
You want to be with him. You just do. No matter what you tell yourself, no matter how much you know it conflicts with what you SHOULD do... You feel like your skin is on fire if you try to stay away. It feels uncomfortable and almost unsettling to try to block him out. You almost can't take it.
You go to his place, cuddled, and watched a hilarious movie together. You felt like you could've peacefully fallen asleep if you'd stayed in his room.. which would've been wonderful because you haven't been able to sleep much since July.
This gentleman who has just reappeared in your life says he has big plans, or at least a great gift for your fast approaching birthday! He is going to be with you on that day. Wow, you imagine how grateful you would be for the gift of him staying and not hurting you. It is a little sad how much that would mean to you..because he should've been doing it all along. But..you're still dangerously excited.
Having hopes around him is dangerous.. they never survive. He kills them all. But you just fall right back into his arms and his lies.
You had been avoiding men and love for almost a decade. No dates, not one kiss or even a phone call in all that time.. This man you love swept you off your feet many months prior..he also crushed your spirit and joy into the ground and left you in a dangerous darkness that could have cost you your life.
His hate left you in the darkest place you have ever been..and you have been some dark places in the past...
But it's suddenly completely unimportant, because NOW HE IS BACK!
The man you love and have fought for, been long-suffering with, worried about, laughed with, planned with, held, and hoped with..he is back!
After the hell of a year it has been due to COVID, the abuse, the loss, the shame, the feeling like you have failed all over again by being back in this type of situation..
The confidence that used to radiate from you now seems as though it never existed as a part of you in the first place..
Who you are is.. you don't know who anymore. It is a lot to bear.
BUT here he is!❤️
He is back with beautiful promises..even some which are small but in no way small to you. No man has ever given you a gift on your birthday. No romantic partner in your adult life has taken you on a date or been kind to you..Sure, you only dated two other people..but still, that's all you know. And here your love is.
This guy..this complicated, unpredictable, wounded, and cruel guy you inexplicably adore. ..He came back and you just don't want to hurt anymore.
You are exhausted. The pain is heavy and horrid. You want it to stop, you want to escape the hell he left you in. And now here he is, making you feel alive again..almost like someone again.
And then, just as quickly as he returned, he's gone..and you are now even worse off.
All those old feelings that had started lifting while he was away come crashing back down on you harder than before. And there is nobody there to help you put it back together.
Nothing around to make things clearer. Just a mess of confusing thoughts.. His harsh words floating around your head and taking ahold of you. All the self-loathing he threw you into months ago is back.
His birthday, it feels like that day is back in full force, like you are there again..like you are on the ground in your driveway on July 8th all over. It's like that moment never actually ended. You could swear you are there.
Everything inside of you feels like it is there, even though you are here..wherever here is. The pounding in your ears. The aches, the shakes, the dizzying confusion..It is just like you are in that day and that specific moment when it all hit you at once..and nothing makes sense at all..all over again.
And this man you love, he doesn't care. If anything, he is amused. He is glad. He's done. He got what he wanted. And now he doesn't want you, because he sees nothing there worth his time. The same way he treated you the entire time you were a couple. But you'd forget all of that when he had finally softened his tone, held you, and seemed like the man you saw on that first date again.
You wanted to give him forever, he promised forever to you. You believed it, because you believed in him. He broke you, he came back, and then he broke you again. And nothing makes sense anymore.
The world that still was not even halfway back to right-side up from his initial flip.. it is now turned all the way back to the wrong side again. It is spinning in a dizzying, unknown new direction.
You are alone.You don't know who this 'you' is. You just want it to stop, be still, and be alright. He made it be alright, the hurt he caused..he made it steady a bit, the swirling was easier to stomach for a little moment with his kindess. But it left, and then he did.
He HATES you.
He doesn't have to put up with this!! With you! Afterall, who are YOU anyway!? Nothing and no one who has ever been or ever will be of value to him. It's about what he feels will benefit HIM most..And currently he knows that's not the disgusting, pathetic mess that is you.. a mess he didn't create. It was all you. It is you.
It is allyourfault.
You did this to yourself.. And since you let this happen..you deserve to be exactly where you are at.. Suffering, breaking, lost. Not his fault. He didn't do anything but abuse you. That's all he did! No big deal. Nothing is a big deal, not to him.. He's seen worse. He's stronger. He's more. He's right, and without blame for his actions against you.
You deserved it.. Why else would it be happening again? Something is so wrong with you. You are wasting space. You are clueless. You're selfish, crazy, pathetic, unwanted, and a worthless hinderance....just like he tried to tell you and show you so many times before.. Look at what you did to him- to yourself. You can't do anything right. No wonder he hates you.
With all of those negative thoughts now taking over and consuming you.. He is saying things to try to destroy you, and doing something he knows for a fact has destroyed you before.. something he did..more than once. The worst was on his birthday..and now here's yours..and he is making sure your birthday is just as wonderful as he made his..
He does it all again easily. And he never looks back except to see how strong he is by having made a mess of you. — Pathetic Rants
