I floated over to his front door feeling like nothing was moving at the right speed.
Certain sounds were still abnormally loud while others were almost eerily quiet.It was like the air was dense and I was having to push through it with my entire body to take each step towards his porch.
I made it to the door.. I wish I could explain better how the world felt for me in that moment. I will try—
Nothing made sense.
Nothing felt real or bearable.
Nothing sounded right.
I was more disoriented than I'd ever been.
I felt numb yet heavy at the same time.
I was confused about what was so terribly wrong with me.
I didn't understand what was happening.
I was in shock from his brutality, my being blindsided, and the overwhelming waves of pain that were crashing on top of me. His malicious ways, selfishness, and abnormal lack of care had caught up with me. My exhausted mind and battered heart could not take it anymore.
It wasn't being broken up with that had me down this way, it was the hateful, abusive, and shocking way in which he did it. I never saw it coming. It didn't make sense at all, and it hurt more than I will ever be able to explain.
I knocked on his front door, and he opened it quickly—
There was no yelling, no snarling, nothing like that. He opened the door, and as he stood in his doorway he simply stuck one arm out and casually handed the gift bag back to me.
..The gift I had put together for him, I was offering all of my heart up to him. He rejected and destroyed it in such a traumatic manner.
I cannot do the pain justice. I am really trying. I just can't.
The hellacious pain was coursing through every single part of me.
The pain when I saw his face, the one I thought I was going to see and love forever, look at me that way…
To see zero recognition or care in his eyes.. The chilling look on his face and his heartless demeanor shot right through me, and I no longer wanted to exist at all.
His eyes.. the expression on his face.. It was like he was nearly blank. The only thing I could see in his eyes was hate. He looked like he truly despised me. It was definitely a dramatic, painful shift in my universe. It was soul-crushing when I saw the man I loved look at me the way he did. (later on he did let me know that he had wanted me to die that day.)
I loved him, offered him my entire heart. I had always tried so hard. And after everything we'd been through...he still managed to easily hate me...as if I was the one who was wronging the other.
He calmly closed the door in my face as I was pitifully saying his name.
He walked away like I was just an unwanted solicitor on his doorstep.
Who I am, how much I loved him and would never wrong him.. The fact that nothing from his past or 'demons' he had could make me love him less.. All of that, it didn't matter. I didn’t matter.
It was cruel, extremely cruel.
He killed me without taking my life. Someone reading this will understand that. It hurt more than I thought I was capable of hurting.
I had tried so hard and had cared so deeply. I had trusted and believed in him.
I let my hopes follow his words.
I just. I really thought I knew what everything was finally.
I thought I knew who he was and what we were.
I thought I was going to be safe with him.
I thought he was real and worth any difficulties.
I thought he saw me.
I thought he cared about me.
I thought he accepted me like I accepted him.
I thought he would be willing to reassure me and be patient with me when I flustered him, since I was so devoted to always being there for him.. devoted to always trying to do better.. to do right by him.
He shut the door in front of my teary eyed face as I softly said his name.. All I could do was watch through the window pane as he turned around and walked away from me.
I stood there frozen for a moment. With his gift bag back in my hands I took out my kid's card.. and then looked at the one I had made.. I started to cry harder. It was a silent cry, yet my jaw was shaking as my lips began to tremble. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I saw the card I'd lovingly made for him.. andI instantly remembered exactly how I felt the day before when I put it into the bag he had just coldly returned to me.
I stared at the artwork that I had last glanced at the day before, when I had a full heart bursting with love for him— a heart that was now completely shattered in the most unexpected, hateful way possible..
It was horrible.
It was a horrible way to be treated.
He broke my heart right as I offered it to him fully as a gift. He not only rejected it, he tore it into pieces through spiteful words and extremely malicious actions.
I was flooded with grief as I stood holding that bag on his front porch looking at the contents knowing how much I cared about him, and how less than a couple of hours prior I'd fully believed he cared for me too and that he was my future.
He left me standing there holding that gift in my heavy arms.
He let it end with me seeing him close a literal door in my face... like I was nothing.
After everything, including me offering him my unconditional love and lifetime, It ended with him hating me. I left the card and the artwork in the bag, then placed it on the ground in front of his door. I made my way out of his front yard and back to my car.
That short walk felt as though I was moving in slow motion. I felt even more disoriented and heavy. I was suffocating in dizzying pain. His cruelty was too much for me to take.
I sat in my car. My eyes and thoughts were darting around.
I was completely shaken.
My heart had been soaring the day before... Now unexpectedly, it was causing me to feel like my chest was caving in.
I sat looking at the letters and my kid's card, knowing everything had changed.. I didn't know why, or understand how he could have done what he'd done in the manner which he did it. I didn't actually understand how he could have done it at all..
Everything I cherished had been abruptly yanked away.
I had been belittled, confused, grossly hurt.
As I sat there, I didn't know how to stop breaking. —The Main Discard
