I can't adequately articulate how low and broken I felt each time you attacked my character and devastated my heart right after convincing me everything was perfect again.. You’d attack, destroy, and exile me right after getting me closer to you and reassuring me that I was safe…
I would go from being held in your arms with adoration, to being struck down violently like an unwanted pest. It was a profoundly painful experience.— NEVER Enough
There was no way to align the two insanely mismatched realities he had presented me with.
My heart was being pummeled by the man I'd just offered it to. The emotional whiplash alone was a debilitating shock to my system.
His cold, illogical indifference felt surreal. He'd gone from caring deeply to not caring at all within an instant. The emotions that should have occupied his tone, even in the presence of a relationship's confrontational demise, they simply weren't there.
I was overtaken by suffocating grief. I couldn't understand why he was being so horrible, or how he didn't have the heart to stop when it was obvious how badly he was hurting me.
No matter how truthfully I spoke I could not make him understand or believe me. I felt helpless. Nothing I said was registering with him. His behavior was only worsening, and my pain drastically increasing.
I was wholly twisted inside, and becoming more devastated by the second. The pain was quickly turning into the most horrendous thing I've ever experienced.
My heart and mind were breaking simultaneously as I scrambled to grasp exactly what was happening, and why.
His abnormally cold display.. His extreme cruelty.. All of it was too much for me to process and comprehend. His attitude towards me and our relationship was in total contrast to what it was mere days prior. It didn't compute. It couldn't.
Complete emotional shell-shock was fast approaching. I desperately wanted to understand. I wanted to be ok. I wanted to stop feeling the intense pain of my universe beginning to violently crumble away.
The woman he claimed meant so much to him.. He had sucker punched me, turned my world upside down, and burned the big beautiful hopes he'd built up inside of me to the ground. I hadn't expected to ever have such hope. I had decided years ago that I would never have the type of future or love he spoke of. I had accepted that it was best for me to stay alone, and I'd done exactly that for over seven years.. Somehow, his plans and promises of what we were and how much more we were going to be.. they lit something up inside of me. That incredible hope he created had been more stunning and meaningful to me than anything else I'd ever felt or thought possible before.
On this day, the man I constantly considered intentionally pulverized me right as I offered him the most valuable thing I had— all of myself; my unconditional love. He not only rejected my love, he hated and shamed me for offering it to him in the first place.
His harsh hatred dropped an emotional and mental bomb on the very core of my psyche. I felt like my spirit had been abruptly ripped out of me with traumatic force. Suddenly, nothing made sense. I didn't know what anything meant anymore.
I had no idea what happened. I couldn't make sense of why he was acting like a completely different person, or how he could stomach hurting me so horrifically.
The shock his heartless cruelty and abrupt abandonment caused is not something my words can do justice.
My entire body felt it.
I was cold. My lips were dry. There was sweat forming on my forehead. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and the sound was far too loud.
My temples hurt. My chest felt like something was placing sharp, heavy pressure in the center.
I was nauseated. I was trembling.
I was trying to breathe correctly, but was too busy trying to think real thoughts to know if I was doing it right..or doing anything right.
I was trying to remember where I was, what was happening, and what I was supposed to do.
All of the sounds in my yard sounded muffled, too loud, and too still at the same time. Nothing made sense.
I didn't want to move, I almost couldn't. I felt paralyzed by fear, confusion, hopelessness, and even by movements around me.
I was in shock. I didn't realize what this day combined with all the abuse throughout our relationship had done to me.
I just was, and didn't know what was was anymore. It was absolutely terrifying. The confusion was overwhelming. I was gone. —The Main Discard
I'd previously never felt like everything was in place before. My life never had a true outline or driving force.
But after I'd fallen in love with him, and he'd repeatedly spoken about our future…
I suddenly saw it all—
I saw what I had been too afraid to imagine or hope for in the past. I saw happiness and love. I thought I had found where I belonged. I thought I belonged in a life shared with him. I thought we were going to have children, a little run-down house, an entire life together. I believed that was going to happen. He kept saying how badly he wanted that with me. I trusted him. I saw us the way he painted us. And I loved us. His abuse hurts the most because I drained myself for a relationship he was only pretending to be a part of. I felt hope for something he never wanted. I gave my body, mind and spirit over to a man I thought I knew in the ways that count most. I gave all I had, no matter how badly it hurt, to a lie. My heart was full and fighting with unstoppable determination for something that was never there. But his words, his games, all he did to my head and heart made it truly seem like it was there.. Like it was real. I thought all I'd ever wanted and needed was right there in front of me, holding my hand, wanting the same thing. He had urged me to believe again after I'd been too afraid to dream out loud for years. I had kept my heart to myself for a very long time, and then he shattered, shamed, and abandoned it. — Why His Abuse Hurt Most
