Aging Narcissist 

Sections:

What Happens as Narcissists Get Older?

Something scary. In most instances..."Karma?"

On the face of it, most narcissists seem to be able to swan through life, charming and confident, without a care in the world for the trail of destruction, chaos and heartache they leave in their wake.

They have little remorse, and nothing appears to be able to halt their unstoppable march toward further emotional devastation of anyone conned into caring about them.

This is a fallacy, however. Meet what is referred to as Narcissistic Collapse, something that becomes increasingly probable and imminent as they age.

Why Narcissists Worsen with Age

 Aging is part of the normal developmental stage in life for everybody. We cannot escape it and although we rather wouldn't like to get older, but with this comes a maturity and new found wisdom that you can only get through life experience.

We often hear ourselves saying "if only we know that 10 years ago". But what the narcissist cannot do is dodge, lie, cheat, hide or talk their way out of the aging aging  process. Old age DOES catch up with them and it its not pretty!

They usually get worse as they age. They get progressively more skilled at manipulation from experience. They get more arrogant. They get more brazen.

And finally they start to lose the need to mask what they are doing in what appears to be old age related, simply cant be bothered going to the trouble of faking it any longer, kind of behavior. 

I have literally NEVER had one say their narc got BETTER with time. Always it got worse as they aged- unless you are talking about children. If so then the answer is - they grew up. Children are essentially all narcissists because narcissists are essentially children that never fully grew up.

Aging is hard. For so many of us, losing our vitality and facing our mortality is a scary, painful grind. 

But we discover upsides, like knowing stuff, slowing down to listen, seeing our kids and grandkids thrive and helping them when they falter, enjoying long-term connections with family and friends, recognizing our core values and releasing shallow pursuits, reaping the fruits of our professional and personal labors. 

The wise among us take time to reflect, savor, and continue finding ways to grow and give back, like deeply ringed trees breathing out life-giving oxygen.

Bette Davis aptly said, "growing old is not for sissies." Pathetically, there is no bigger 'sissy' than a never-changing narcissist. And as their sources of self-worth and identity dwindle, they become more brittle and weak, likely to wither at first frost rather than root in for winter and bloom again. 

Resources for Narcissists

Sections:

7 Myths About Narcissists

Written by Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D. 

When I first started reading about narcissists and narcissism on the internet, I quickly realized that much of the information being shared was wrong. 

People without mental health credentials were labeling all sorts of abusive exes, friends, and parents as narcissists without really having a clear idea about what that diagnosis actually means. 

Their descriptions of narcissistic personality disorder were often so exaggerated and unrealistic that they made narcissists sound as if they were either comic book villains or superheroes.

Here are a few of the comments that I saw repeated over and over again as if they were absolutely true:

• "Narcissists are all evil people who prey on empathic people in order to ruin their lives."
      
• "You can't resist a narcissist because they are all incredibly self-confident and sexy, and are master manipulators."
   
• "All narcissists cheat."
   
• "Psychotherapy does not work on narcissists."

A variety of these myths about narcissists have been accepted as the truth because they are repeated over and over again on the internet. In this article, I am going to describe seven common myths about narcissistic personality disorder that I repeatedly encountered.

Some of the myths were proposed as truth by self-styled experts in narcissism. A few extremely grandiose exhibitionist narcissists with no valid mental health degrees or training have decided that they are the real experts in narcissistic personality disorder and that their insights are far superior to those of qualified mental health experts. These self-styled experts have produced hundreds of videos and blogs that put out a lot of false and confusing information. These videos and essays occasionally contain a few useful nuggets of insight about NPD that are buried inside a heap of claims and complicated assumptions.

The truth is sadder and simpler. Narcissists are people who lack emotional empathy, cannot see themselves and other people in a realistic, stable, and integrated way (lack of whole object relations), are incredibly self-centered, value achievement and status, and adapted to their early upbringing by developing a narcissistic personality disorder. 

They overestimate their own abilities, idealize or envy people who are more successful or of higher status, and devalue anyone who criticizes them or who they believe is below them in whatever status hierarchy they value.

While some people with NPD are quite talented and can do well in certain work environments, their narcissistic personality disorder severely limits their ability to form mutually satisfying relationships with other people. Their life is one long search for external validation and perfection.

Note: I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for describing someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

Why are these descriptions so off the mark?

As human beings, we use a few common tools in our attempt to comprehend other people's strange behavior. In the case of narcissists, we tend to project our own value system onto them and imagine that their motives would be similar to what our motives would be if we did what they were doing. Usually, this is done by people who are in a bad relationship, feel abused by their mate, friend, boss, or parent, and are doing their best to try to understand what is going on.

The other common types of myths that I encounter about narcissism are myths that dehumanize narcissists. Unfortunately, the average person only sees the behaviors and never guesses the underlying issues that these behaviors are meant to address. 

Here are some examples:

▪️Myth 1: All narcissists are extremely self-confident.

The reality is that what appears to be narcissistic grandiosity and self-confidence is a thin, defensive facade that is an attempt to impress other people, stabilize their own fluctuating self-esteem, manage their self-doubt, and stave off feelings of shame and self-hatred.
 

▪️Myth 2: All narcissists intend to hurt those close to them.

The reality is that narcissists are often oblivious to the harm that they are causing. They are trying to get their own emotional and practical needs met. A great deal of the hurt that they cause is simply collateral damage and not their goal. Their goal is to get narcissistic supplies or defend themselves from what they perceive as devastating attacks on their self-esteem and sense of importance.
 

▪️Myth 3: All narcissists are sexually immoral.

The reality is that narcissists differ a great deal in their standards for their own behavior. I know ones who never cheat on their mates and others who are liars and engage in compulsive sexual behavior.
 

▪️Myth 4: All narcissists are master manipulators.

The reality is that while I have met a few narcissists who are good long-term planners and great at manipulating other people, they are as rare as great chess players—and not so dissimilar from them. Most narcissists are more similar to children who learn by trial and error how to get what they want from their parents. They take advantage of the other person's willingness to give in to them. If you have your own firm boundaries, pay attention to what is actually going on, and don't doubt your own judgment; you are likely to see right through most narcissists' attempts to manipulate you.
 
▪️Myth 5: All narcissists are predators.

The reality is that narcissists are people like the rest of us. Narcissists need other people to validate them in order to maintain their sense of self-worth. Their disorder leads them to be insensitive to the feelings and needs of those around them. They lack emotional empathy and are very self-centered. This combination of need + insensitivity + self-centeredness often leads people with narcissistic personality disorder to be overly selfish and single-minded in their pursuit of what they want.
 

▪️Myth 6: All narcissists are evil.

The reality is that narcissists may behave in hurtful ways, but they are not inherently evil. They are bad at intimate relationships, but many of them do a great deal of good in the world. Many of our hospitals, libraries, cultural institutions, and schools are supported by exhibitionist narcissists who get their narcissistic supplies from doing good deeds. All they ask in return is to have the hospital wing or theater prominently display their name.
 

▪️Myth 7: All narcissists are charming.

The reality is that while some narcissists can be superficially charming when you first meet them, others are quite boring and annoying. The charming ones are good at telling stories that make their lives sound fascinating and are likely to know how to make a good first impression. Their charm wears thin after you hear them tell the same stories over and over again, realize that they have absolutely no interest in your life, and use the same techniques with everyone that they meet.

As one of my clients told me: "I thought that I was so special to him because he sent me beautiful cards for my birthday and many other occasions. But then when I was over at his house and opened a drawer to look for a pen, I found stacks of the same exact cards that he sent me."
 

▪️Punchline: Narcissists are neither superheroes nor villains. They are troubled, very self-centered people with low emotional empathy and a host of other narcissistic issues, and are preoccupied with supporting their shaky self-esteem.

Unfortunately, their narcissistic flaws interfere with them having mutually satisfying relationships with other people.

Self-Help for Narcissists:

How to Stop Devaluing People

Are you a self-aware and motivated narcissist who would like to have better relationships with other people? Are you puzzled about what you can do right now without extensive psychotherapy? Here is an answer that can help all of your relationships.

🔴 STOP DEVALUING PEOPLE

Sorry for shouting. I wanted to be sure that my main point was crystal clear and I had your attention. I recognize that stopping devaluing other people is easier said than done. Devaluing has been an all-purpose fallback coping mechanism for almost everyone with narcissistic adaptations. For most people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, devaluing other people has been the Swiss Army Knife of responses to many situations:

• Feeling invisible? Make a joke at someone else's expense.
   
• Feeling angry about your day? Vent that negative energy when you get home and devalue your spouse or kids.
   
• Feeling bored? Make fun of someone's weight or taste in clothing.
   
• Feeling attacked? Say something harsh and devaluing back that is aimed to hurt, get revenge, and teach the person a lesson.

Once you stop using "devaluation" as your all-purpose interpersonal tool for making you feel better, you will need to come up with other, less toxic ways of soothing yourself and getting attention. I will leave the details of how you might do that to your creativity.

Note: I am using the terms "narcissist," and "narcissistic" in this post as shorthand for the much longer phrase: a person who has made a narcissistic adaptation to a childhood situation and who now manifests a pattern of responses that is generally called a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No disrespect is intended.
 

5 Steps to Eliminating Devaluation

Even with the best of intentions, it is hard to simply stop devaluing other people. Usually achieving this goal requires breaking it down into smaller doable steps:
 

⚫️Step 1: Define Devaluing

Most narcissists do not recognize how many of their statements and behaviors are experienced by the people close to them as devaluing and hurtful. They may think that they are just being honest and everyone agrees with them, as when they point to someone on the street and say:

Can you believe she went out of the house looking like that?

Or: That waiter was so incompetent that I left him a dime for a tip and that was ten cents more than he deserved!

Short Definition of Devaluing: Words or behaviors that point out other people's inadequacies or which are meant to diminish their sense of importance and place them below you on some status hierarchy.
 

⚫️Step 2: Get a Second Opinion

Have an honest conversation with someone whose opinion you trust. Ask them what type of comments and behaviors they have heard you say or do that they consider "devaluing."

Note: You need to focus here on whether something is devaluing—not if it is true or deserved in your opinion.
 

⚫️Step 3: Make a List

Make a list of the types of comments and behaviors your trusted friend told you are devaluing and keep reviewing it. Carry it with you. Add new things to this list as you become more aware of this issue.
 

⚫️Step 4: Do a Mental Rehearsal

Devaluing other people is a habit. It is something you have been doing automatically without much thought for a very long time. In order to change this habit, you have to slow down your responses.

Before you speak, pause and mentally review what you plan to say. If anything sounds devaluing, rephrase your message in a more neutral or kinder way.

A Good Rule to Remember: Everything we think does not have to come out of our mouths.

If you are not sure if what you plan to say is "devaluing," check your list from Step 3. You can also ask yourself: Is saying or doing this thing right now useful and necessary? If upon reflection, your answer is "no," you might consider just not saying or doing it at all.
 

⚫️Step 5: Do an Emotional Empathic Review

The great Hebrew Sage Rabbi Hillel who lived in the 1st Century reportedly said this version of the famous "Golden Rule:"

Do not do anything to others that is distasteful to you.

This translates to doing a second review of what you plan to say or do. In this review, you imagine yourself on the receiving end of your comment or behavior.

Ask yourself: Did I feel devalued or hurt by this? If you felt devalued, then it is the wrong thing to say or do.
  

⚫️Punchline:

More relationships are ruined by devaluing words and actions than almost any other narcissistic behavior. If you like immediate results and are ready to make a change, this is the change that I recommend. You do not have to take my word for it. Try not devaluing others for a month, and see for yourself how this transforms your relationships.

psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/self-help-for-narcissists-how-to-stop-devaluing-people

How to Develop Whole Object Relations as an Adult

Written by Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.
 

Can a Narcissist Change?

The most prominent quality of someone with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies is that they are very single-minded, often believing that they are never in the wrong. 

They are stubborn and steadfast in their views of the world, themselves, and the people around them. So how do you get someone who is controlling and thinks they are always right to change their tendencies or even want to change them in the first place? Is it even possible?

"Not all narcissists can change," says Elinor Greenberg, PhD, a licensed psychologist and author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety. "They have to be very motivated and willing to self-reflect. But if they are, it is possible."

Here are the conditions they must meet and the keys to helping a narcissist you love change their behaviors and become more empathetic and caring.
 

🔵The extent of their narcissism

There are different degrees of narcissism a person may possess or project, and where they land on that spectrum plays a role in the likelihood that they can change.

Note that while several people have narcissistic traits at times, very few people truly meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. For example, to meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, the traits need to have begun by early adulthood and be present in a variety of contexts (not just in one relationship or in romantic relationships in general).

People can adopt narcissistic tendencies and behaviors when feeling physically or emotionally threatened, or if they're in the throes of addiction or another mental health issue. In these cases, once the threat is removed or addressed, empathy and self-awareness can return.

With narcissistic personality disorder, though, we are dealing with a personality and not a situation or circumstance. Changing a personality, which is a construct of characteristics and qualities that develop through experience, is extremely difficult.

Some forms of therapy, such as types that focus on childhood relationships (object relations therapy), are successful with people with a narcissistic personality disorder. Some strategies can help them change their behaviors. But for those with a diagnosed personality disorder, the road to change will be longer.

🔵The change has to be their idea

"One of the most frequent requests I get is a spouse who wants to get their narcissistic mate into therapy under another pretense. That doesn't really work," shares Greenberg. To start to evaluate their tendencies and how they act towards those around them, the narcissist needs to be the one who decides they want to make a change.

But that doesn't mean friends and family can't offer a little help to get them to that point. The best strategy is not to change the person's narcissism directly, but instead, to change the person's desire to change. In other words, convince the narcissist to want to change, and then you can help if needed, but they must do the changing alone.

For example, this strategy may work if the narcissist naturally has a mind for psychology. Some narcissists will get really involved in their own therapy. If they are made an ally in their own journey to self-awareness, then they may feel a degree of power and control in the process that spurs their desire to change.
  

🔵The motivation

The motivation itself is the most crucial step toward change—if the narcissist doesn't have a reason to want to change, then change is unlikely to occur.

One common reason for change is that the narcissist feels like a failure or feels they are about to be exposed as one. "I've seen people who experience such a severe failure that they are in a self-hating depression as a result. They know they are narcissists, but they have also reached their lowest and don't know how to get themselves out.

While reaching bottom can certainly be bleak, both for the person experiencing it and those around them, it may be the motivation they need to reckon with the narcissist in the mirror.

But hitting rock bottom is not the only way to motivate change. Many people with narcissistic personality disorder will make changes to their behavior if there are perceived benefits. Enacting change in these cases often revolves around creating habitual structures that reward the narcissist for changing. And those structures and conditions must always center around the narcissist's behavior and that alone.

When I'm in therapy with a narcissist, the only things they are allowed to talk about are what they want for themselves, what they want to change. They can't tell tangential stories, blame other people for things, or complain about their partner. It has to be about them.

While this may be painful at first, it forces the narcissist to reconcile with their behaviors while also giving them a challenge that they need to meet, which will help them work toward change.
 

🔵Understanding what needs changing

In 2018, Campbell co-authored a study published in Personality Disorders that provided a game-changing clue into what might motivate narcissists to change. "I had thought for years (and the field had thought so as well) that narcissists, especially grandiose narcissists, didn't want to change because they loved who they were," he explains.

"In some ways, this is still what we observe. Grandiose narcissists have high self-esteem, are happy, and feel closer to their ideal selves than the rest of us. When it comes to their more antagonistic and callous personality traits, however, such as their manipulative nature or lack of empathy, narcissists typically see these qualities as negative and want to change them."

This is a critical finding, especially for the people pulling for a narcissist they know to make a change, as it posits that they already know that they possess traits that are worth changing. The key, then, lies not in convincing them that they need to change but in being patient, making it clear when they are antagonistic or callous, and helping them reach a point at which they will choose to pursue change on their own.

"In this case," adds Campbell, "we want to encourage narcissistic individuals to map out the life that they want to have and then consider how their narcissistic personality interferes with that."
 

🔵The bottom line

Changing another's personality is a challenge. The challenge is that narcissism is a trade-off, so it isn't as simple as getting rid of traits. People are complex. But new research and therapists' continuing experience reveal that if the narcissist has the motivation and the will to change, then change is possible.

www.thehealthy.com/family/relationships/can-a-narcissist-change/

How to Cope with Hurting Someone You Love

The people closest to you, like family members or a romantic partner, are often the ones you interact with the most and may also be easier to hurt due to attachment.
 

Understanding the evidence-backed reasons people may intentionally or unintentionally hurt their loved ones can help you navigate your relationship patterns and start repairing connections. In addition, you may benefit from learning how therapy can help you gain healthy, productive ways to control and communicate your emotions.
 

Attachment styles as a foundation

"Forming intimate relationships is a fundamental human motive. Emotions play a critical role in intimate relationships - they are central to the development and maintenance of these bonds, and these very bonds can influence both individual and interpersonal emotional dynamics across time."—Emotional Dynamics in Intimate Relationships.
  

According to attachment theory, humans develop their method of connecting to people emotionally during childhood, primarily based on how their parents or caregivers attend to their needs.
 

Psychologist John Bowlby first proposed the theory in the 1940s as an evolutionary explanation of how humans develop emotional attachments to ensure the species' survival. Below are the primary attachment styles and how they might manifest in your relationships.
 

Secure

If you have a secure attachment style, you may have received reliable, responsive care from your parents or guardians as a child, with emotional warmth and age-appropriate responsibilities and expectations. People with secure attachment styles often have a favorable view of themselves regarding capability, worthiness, and dependability. They often extend this view to others, finding it easier to accept care and offer it in return.
 

Dismissive (avoidant)

With a dismissive or avoidant attachment style, you may have been raised by caregivers who failed to express emotions openly or emphasized the need for independence and self-reliance. People with an avoidant attachment style often rely only on themselves and may have trouble trusting others. They often view themselves positively while seeing others in a negative light.

These individuals may see themselves as capable and worthy of love but have challenges trusting or depending on a partner to love and support them in return. This pattern could lead you to ignore others, break up with people quickly, or take long breaks from socialization.
 

Fearful-avoidant (disorganized)

If you have a fearful-avoidant or disorganized attachment style, you may have been raised in an environment where your emotional and physical needs weren't met. Children who experience indifference, fear, harsh criticism, abuse, or neglect often have trouble relating to others as adults. They may have a negative view of themselves and others, so they often have difficulty providing and accepting love and support in a relationship due to negative self-esteem, previous experience, or trust issues. They may go back and forth between wanting connection and running from it.
 

Preoccupied (anxious)

People who were raised with inconsistent care as children often develop a preoccupied attachment style. Caregivers or parents may have alternated between distant disapproval and loving warmth during childhood, leaving you uncertain whether your needs would be met. As an adult, you might struggle with abandonment issues or a negative self-view while seeing others as competent and trustworthy. You may go out of your way to seek approval and demonstrate intense adverse reactions over behaviors related to emotional distance and withdrawal.

Why do I hurt the people I love?

When you form emotional attachments to others, you both may be more vulnerable to emotional harm. Harm can be intentional or unintentional and may not always be severe. However, regardless of the reason you've hurt someone's feelings, there may be steps you can take to repair your relationship. Below are a few reasons people might hurt those they love.
 

You fear emotional intimacy

Many people have alexithymia, another word for fear of emotional intimacy. Alexithymia is characterized by difficulty with attachment security and mood variables and can negatively impact relationship satisfaction. A strong emotional connection between partners is essential for an open, loving relationship.
 

People with emotional intimacy issues often have trouble communicating with their partners, expressing their feelings and needs, and reliably supporting others. This difficulty can extend to other relationships, leading them to hold back their feelings from those close to them. The people in their lives may think they are indifferent or disinterested.
 

The following are a few tips for building healthy emotional intimacy with others:

• Make yourself emotionally available to your partner and loved ones.
   
• Say daily affirmations and praises with your partner.
   
• Ensure you and your partner achieve sexual satisfaction in your relationship.
   
• Break away from your established daily routine.
   
• Listen actively without judgment.
   
• Express gratitude.
   
• Reach out for professional help and guidance.
   
  

You want to avoid codependency

Feeling smothered or suffocated in a relationship may be due to a fear of codependency, a behavioral and emotional condition affecting your ability to form and maintain healthy, mutually satisfying relationships. Co-dependent relationships often involve emotionally destructive or abusive patterns, and you may lash out at your partner to avoid giving them the power to hurt you.
  

You are impulsive and don't consider the consequences

Many people are impulsive and don't take the time to consider the consequences of their words and actions. While that can be a symptom of certain mental health conditions, it could also indicate that you feel safe and loved. However, not considering your words' consequences may cause your loved ones emotional harm. If you notice a pattern and want to accept responsibility and make a meaningful change, try to take a few minutes and deep breaths before responding during a conversation.
 

You have low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem may place low value on their emotional needs and reactions, so they could be unaware of how their words and actions might hurt others. Part of well-rounded, adaptable well-being is ensuring your needs are met and learning how to recognize and support the emotions of your loved ones.
 

You have an agenda

In some cases, you might find that the harm you cause others is intentional. If you manipulate someone else to achieve a specific result, you may treat them negatively so they will respond how you want them to. Putting a partner down or mistreating them can create a power imbalance in the relationship and may be abusive or unhealthy. If you're acting this way toward someone else, consider contacting a mental health professional for guidance. Behaviors can often be changed.
 

You enjoy inflicting pain on others

In some cases, people might hurt others or cause their partner pain because they enjoy doing so. However, harming someone you love may indicate a more profound psychological concern. In these cases, try to take a step back from the relationship and seek professional support from a licensed therapist to understand why you feel the need to inflict harm.
 

You feel safe and expect them to listen

When you feel safe and loved in a relationship, you may lash out at your partner, feeling that they'll listen to you or won't leave you if they're hurt. However, hurting your partner because you don't think they'll leave you may be unhealthy. Instead, you might benefit from considering how the person you're talking to might feel if you don't consider your words.
 

You seek attention, love, or affection

Some people hurt their loved ones or intentionally cause stress and conflict because they crave love, attention, or affection and believe the other person will respond emotionally, indicating love. Instead of inciting specific reactions in others, consider taking responsibility and telling people how you feel and what you need to feel happy and safe.
 

Additional reasons you might hurt loved ones

Below are a few additional reasons why you might harm loved ones emotionally:

• You are jealous of your partner's achievements.
    
• You feel taken for granted in the relationship.
   
• You are projecting guilt, self-loathing, or shame.
   
• You have trouble seeing their perspective.
   
• You have an avoidant attachment style.
   
• You indulge in self-destructive behavior or self-sabotage.
   
• You are testing relationship boundaries.
      

If you notice a pattern of frequently lashing out and hurting the people you love, consider working with a licensed therapist.
 

Takeaway

Many people lash out at those closest to them. There are a few psychological reasons you may hurt someone you love, and therapy may help you develop healthy ways to communicate your feelings and emotional needs. Consider contacting a counselor for further guidance as you navigate healthy attachment, and know that changing your attachment style is possible.

Source: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/the-causes-of-hurting-someone-you-love/

How to Handle Regression After Progress

Written by Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.
 

Why Do I Keep Regressing After I Make Therapeutic Progress?

Key points

• Often when a therapy client self-activates, their pain around unprocessed trauma begins to surface. This is regression.
• When clients do not yet have enough tools to deal with their unprocessed pain productively, they regress to their old, maladaptive defenses.
• When a client regresses, it's the therapist's job to hold the memory of past successes and interrupt the use of old maladaptive defenses.
   

I am often asked by my clients some version of the following:

I don't understand what is going on. I was making progress in therapy and feeling great. I thought that I finally had everything under control, and I could move on with my life. Then, for no reason, I suddenly regressed. It started a couple of days after our last session when I decided to go back to school and finish my degree. Suddenly, I started feeling all these emotions I couldn't control. I was jumping out of my skin! I felt desperate so I went back to my old ways of distracting and soothing myself. I smoked a joint, ate a pint of ice cream, two pizzas, and had sex with a stranger. I feel like such a failure. What happened? Where did all that progress go?

James F. Masterson (1926–2010), a well-known personality disorder theorist, came up with a very useful explanation of why the above situation occurs. He said that progress in therapy, especially for people with personality disorders, is a circular process, not a linear one. Clients improve in therapy, restart their life, begin to make changes, and then suddenly regress. Rather than being a bad sign, this is normal.

The regression occurs when clients outrun their ability to emotionally support themselves. All it means is that they need to do more work on their underlying issues and unhealed traumas before they are ready to restart their progress towards their goals.

Masterson was a genius at noticing repeating cycles in psychotherapy, understanding what causes them, and explaining how to deal with them in a useful fashion.
 

What Is "The Triad"?

Masterson taught that in psychotherapy:
Self-activation leads to abandonment depression which leads to defense.

Masterson called this 3-part situation "The Personality Disorder Triad." He developed it early in his career when he was working with clients with borderline personality disorders. As a result, he initially called it "The Borderline Triad." This is the reason why he originally called the painful emotions that start to surface after self-activation the "abandonment depression." Abandonment trauma was a central issue for his borderline clients.

Later, he realized that the same type of regression was an issue in the therapy of all of his clients with personality disorders, even ones where abandonment was not a major problem, such as clients with narcissistic personality disorder. But by that time, most Masterson-trained therapists were used to saying "abandonment depression" as shorthand for every painful feeling that starts to surface after the client starts to make progress in psychotherapy, so many psychotherapists continued to use it. I call it "The Triad" for short and find it also can apply to the therapy of people who are not diagnosed with a personality disorder.
  

I will break the parts down and explain what each one means.—
  

Self-Activation:
Self-activation is psychotherapy shorthand for a process in which clients start to identify their authentic likes and dislikes and become motivated to begin making some positive changes in their life.
 

Abandonment Depression: 
This is shorthand for all the painful feelings that have been buried and need to be worked on in psychotherapy—rage, grief, panic, helplessness, shame, hopelessness, emptiness, and so on.

When clients make progress in therapy, they start to self-activate and stop using their maladaptive coping mechanisms that distracted them from their underlying pain. Now, the unworked-through underlying traumatic feelings start to surface as the person moves toward being more authentic and going for what they want.
 

Defense:
This stands for all the maladaptive coping mechanisms the person uses to deal with their underlying feelings. This can be anything from overeating, substance abuse, cutting, having sex with strangers, to picking fights.

Masterson-trained therapists are taught to expect the regressions associated with self-activation and deal with them.
 

An Illustration

Betty came to therapy because she felt very anxious and could not understand why her life was such a mess. She told me that when she had been a teacher, she had never realized how her job structured her life. She was able to get up in the morning and go to work and socializing with the other teachers provided her with a ready-made group of friends.

Now she had taken early retirement due to some health issues but without the external pressure to get up for work and get showered and dressed, she seldom left her house. She slept most of the day and binge-watched television shows at night. She also found it hard to keep up the friendships from work without seeing the other teachers every day.

Betty came to therapy because she had gained a lot of weight, was depressed and lonely, and had no idea what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. She felt abandoned by the other teachers who had gradually stopped including her in their plans. That hurt her the most because she had assumed that they all would be friends for life.

As Betty made progress in therapy, she started to identify things that she might like to do and started to experiment with them. She signed up for classes and started to make new friends (Self-Activation).

After a particularly productive session, she left therapy happily anticipating a busy week. Instead, she found herself immobilized and unable to focus on her plans. She was very anxious and had a panic attack (Abandonment Depression). Instead of going out, she went back to sleeping all day, eating pints of ice cream, and binge-watching television (Defense).

Betty came to her next session and said: I feel awful. I hate myself. Therapy isn't working. I might as well quit. Nothing is working out for me, and it never will!

I said: Slow down. Let's talk about it. Do you remember your last session?

Betty: Not really. I just hate my life. And I hate myself.

I said: Well, I remember that you left quite enthused and had decided to take a jewelry-making class. Do you remember now?

Betty: Yes.

I said: Let's go through your week together and try to figure out why your mood shifted so radically.
 

Analysis

In the above example, Betty's self-activation lasted for a day or two, then old unworked-through negative issues started entering her consciousness in the form of panicky feelings. To soothe herself, she went back to her old defenses against feeling. Then she berated herself and felt like a total failure.

Betty came to the session in defense, feeling quite hopeless. She forgot about all her progress from the prior month.

I then interrupted Betty's defensive acting out (as Masterson had taught us to do) and started to engage her again in the therapy process. She left the session restored and enthusiastic. I also told her that these ups and downs were an expected part of the process and that they would gradually diminish as we worked on her issues.
 

Summary

It is quite normal for clients to make some progress in therapy, start to self-activate, and then regress and go back to their old defenses. It is the therapist's job to hold the memory of past successes, interrupt the use of the old maladaptive defenses, and help clients restart the therapeutic process. 

For some people with personality disorders, this may take up the entire first half of the therapy. As the old issues are worked through, clients' moods stabilize, and the ups and downs gradually diminish. At that point, self-activation leads to satisfaction, not defense.

Not All Abusers Are Created Equal

Just as not all victims are the same, not all perpetrators of harm are the same either.

There is a temptation to 'lump' them all together—making 'who' they are that makes them abuse others the same as other abusers and what they 'do' as abusers the same as other abusers. Perhaps this is where Domestic Violence theory and pathology theory walk different paths.

Not all abusers are pathological, and not all pathological abusers are killers.

I have seen many people go through batterer intervention and 'get it,' go home, change their behaviors, positively impact their marriages and families and never do it again. But in pathological abusers, they think there's 'nothing wrong with them' so why would they ever change?

In true psychopathy, power is food. It's not 'a way of looking at relationship dynamics' -- it just 'is.' It's biological, not dynamic. The new information out on the Neuroscience of chronic batterers and other pathological types show us the parts of the brain that are impacted and prevent them from change. 

This is not merely willful behavior, this is his hard wiring.

All abuse is an abuse of power. But not all abuse of power is treatable or curable. It's not that there aren't similarities in the abuse or even the abuser—but in certain pathologies the abuse of power has no cure.

Abuse, addiction, mental health issues all have the hope of treatment when there is insight and the ability to sustain change.

But in pathology, the inability to grow, sustain consistent positive change, or develop insight about how their behavior negatively effects others precludes them from the benefit of treatment.

That IS what pathology is—the inability to be helped by medication, counseling, spiritually, or even love.

Abusers who are not pathological have the ability to grow, change, and develop insight about how their abuse of power and control harms others.

Pathological abusers (Malignant Narcissists and Antisocial Personalities) are those most likely to convince others that they are not the problem—that she is, or the world, their job, their childhoods, their attorneys, etc.

Pathologicals are those most likely to stalk. They don't take no or go away as answers--they take it as a challenge.

Pathological abusers are those most likely to abscond children and bolt. Giving partial custody or unsupervised visitation is to invite the natural outcomes of a pathological with poor impulse control.

Pathological abusers are those most likely to expose children to abuse, neglect, and their pathological lifestyles. They are those most likely to program children against the protective and non-pathological parent.

And last but certainly not least, pathological abusers are those most likely to kill or attempt to kill. Without conscience, empathy, guilt, remorse or insight—someone so 'inconvenient' like an 'abuse tattler' is likely to be seen as a swarming gnat and killed with the same amount of forethought.
 

Nonpathological Abusers

Many assume abuse is caused by a partner's mental health condition, for example: bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), narcissistic personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality. While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not always cause abuse.

Mental illness does not solely cause a partner to be abusive in a relationship; however, there are a select few diagnoses that can increase the risk of abusive patterns to show up in a relationship and in other areas of life.

There are many times when a partner is mentally ill and abusive. On the other hand, there are also many times they are not abusive at all.

Even if a person has a mental illness, it does NOT excuse the abuse. Abuse is NEVER okay. Abuse is about control and power over a partner.

Abusers often minimize or deny their behaviors, or even shift the blame to the non-abusive person.

While it can feel like your partner "just doesn't get it" and lacks self-awareness, this is often an emotionally abusive tactic used to make the other partner question themselves.

Since abusive behaviors happen primarily in one's intimate partner relationship, it's common that an abusive partner will not show their negative or harmful behaviors with friends, co-workers or family members.

An abusive partner tends to put on what can be considered a "fake mask" for the rest of the world to see.

When it's just the victim and the abusive partner together, that mask comes off and the victim sees a different side that others aren't allowed to see.

The impact of being the only person to see this behavior is often isolating for the victim, as they may think (or the abusive person may even say) that no one else will believe them since no one else has witnessed the abusive behaviors.

This also makes it easier for the abusive person to make their partner feel responsible for their abusive behavior, which reinforces the isolation.

Although disorders and diagnoses are often go-to explanations for abusive behavior, we know that mental health issues do not excuse or directly cause intimate partner abuse.

Connecting an abusive partner's abusive behaviors with a disorder can sometimes blur the line between free will and something seen as "unchangeable."

Many disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, are marked by a person's inability to identify their behaviors as unhealthy or show empathy to those affected by their actions, greatly reducing the possibility of change.

When people consider their partner's behavior in this way and apply a label like "narcissist," it may lead to a belief that their partner has no control over their behavior or even a feeling of acceptance of their behavior.